Just Cuticle Pulling

I think it's becoming a habit of mine, pulling my hangnails. This day I've pulled one from my left pinky. It kinda stings now. I think it's the fourth one this month. Maybe I should start bringing nail clippers from now on.

Just a Cancelled Plan

Today is July 25, 2018.

At the beginning of the year, I chose this date because it did not have any significance. People wouldn't expect it. It is just a random date of the calendar, a normal day, a day when everyone does whatever it is they do. Some might have birthdays or anniversaries to celebrate, but none of them are significant people that I know of.

I wondered how I should do it. Random thoughts would pop in as I'm lying down, walking, closing my eyes, eating, drawing, waking up, or just chilling. How would I do it that it would be poetic and unique? I thought of the aftermath, the image, the consequence, when I should do it, how I would look like once I do it.

A lot have done it in the past year, or even the previous years. I wondered how they got to do it before me. I guess they are braver, or lost all the sense of braveness.

I chose this date because I wanted to know how this year would turn out. I would live half of the year, and not anymore in the other half.

I still want to do it. The day is not over.

However,

Two days ago, someone asked me how I was doing. I did not tell her I was okay. I did not tell her I was not, either. I just told her I got a job. I did not lie; I told the truth, but I did not tell her what I really wanted to say. It may be just coincidence, but I do not want her to have any regrets if I actually do it. I do not want her thinking, "Oh my god, I asked her how she was. I should have tried harder. I could have done something." Sad posts, sad tweets, mourning. Maybe I should wait a little longer until she forgets what happened, that she tried to catch up with me.

Yesterday, my best friend replied to my chat about some nonsense YouTube video, apologizing, that she could not be that active online, saying that everything was a hurricane, and I told her that it was okay, that I understand, that she has a low maintenance bff. In which she jokingly replied with "*2 weeks later jema dies from 'accidental' medicine ingestion". I wanted to tell her that she was two weeks late, that the plan was actually today. I did not tell her. It would terrify her. I could not do it to her.

Today, I landed on an account. It is good news. I could not do it to my new team. They would not get the bonus if I died. The rule was to not have any attrition for a year.

I guess that is it. When you are truly feeling suicidal, you would not be able to think about these things. You would not care about how it would affect anyone. All there is is apathy. But I did. I thought; I always thought. Maybe in the past months I did not. Now, it is different. I am postponing it.

Let me tell you of my methods, though, the options, what my imagination led me to:

1. I thought of drowning, jumping into the river or sea. I would not tell anyone that I would be going anywhere. I would just be missing. My body will never be found. No funerals would be held.

2. Go to a forest. Well, not really a forest. A place where the grass is tall, a lot of trees and shrubs. Take some poisonous substance, bleach, muriatic acid, anything. Or maybe a lot of pills. Find a place there where your body could rot. Far away from discovery. Die there. You would be part of nature, part of the trees, be one with the soil.

3. Gunshot. Which is less likely. I don't know how and where to acquire a gun.

4. Lethal injection. I don't think it is that painful.

I still want to die. I still hope I get gravely sick so I would not get to kill myself anymore. I thought of seeing a therapist today if I actually plan of doing it. I have not posted much negative posts in this blog recently so you would not suspect me of doing it today, that you would not think I have killed myself when I do not post here anymore. Well here are all my thoughts now. Writing is a great coping mechanism.

Just Manually Removed a Hangnail

Just a Little Bad Luck

My phone fell in the toilet earlier and I think this is a sign that I won't be endorsed to the account I got interviewed for. Pareidolia. I still hope I'd land in the account.

Just Being Cheesy

Maybe I'll find someone someday. He would be the one worth living for.
I'd be in love and be proud to say it; I won't be disgusted.
He would be the cure; his presence I'd crave.
I wouldn't be afraid to say "I love you" everyday.
He'll help me turn my life around, help me find meaning when everything's pointless.
When I'm going 100%, the outcome's 200%.
I'll end my daydream here. Maybe the time for this is near.
I hope the things that take part won't be the ones I fear.