Just Thought of This While in Bed

Customer service is easy but it feels really ironic if you constantly try to please clients/keep them happy when your personal philosophy in life is not caring about what other people think. Maybe that's why I kept wanting to die every time I went to work even though I loved my job. Lol I just want to be a scientist. Just an endless pursuit of knowledge. The only one that I'd try to impress is myself because of the things I discover I can do and learn. F jobs that mostly need human interaction. Paskwelaha na ko balik ma beh hahaha

Juat Made a Quick Something

I picture killing myself from time to time (everyday for 5 years or more actually but the suicidal thoughts have recently died down) and this is one of the ways of how I thought I'd go. It's just a quick something I worked on earlier so minimum effort was put in. I just want to sleep after placing the image on paper, from imagination to, yeah, paper.

Me being reclaimed by nature after dying of muriatic acid intoxication

P.S

There's nothing beautiful about suicide (you and I know this).

Just Want to Say Something

Hey there,

I'm re-reading your comment now. I must say, 2019 wasn't really that great. Haha. Got my shit together by the end of November, though, when I decided to snap out of it. So maybe I did get better? A month of having your shit feels really good. However, it fluctuates, and all the shit wants to get loose again, no matter how hard you hold them together. Almost everyday I had suicidal thoughts. A month without them was pretty great. A month, meaning late November 2019-late December 2019.

Right now I can say that they're still together. The dark thoughts are coming back, yeah, but I ain't ruminating as much as before.

I don't want to be truly honest in this blog because it isn't that safe anymore. Fucking.... Yup.

Anyway, I'm going to upload a quick something I made in a short while. I'm thinking of going out for a ride on my brother's bike. I don't think it's a good idea because I'm a bit tired.

Just Want to Finish This Game Already But Damn It Why

Sometimes you're going to get 11 bonus words but only 4 of the important ones that you actually need to proceed to the next level in Wordscapes.

Just I Don't Know How To Stop Feeling Bad in the Moment

I made a card. I didn't realize the pictures got deleted before sealing the card in the handmade envelope. I can't show the card here anymore. Maybe it's for the best. Same thing with the MSPaint drawing I lost a few days ago.

Also, I'm not updating my journal again. I don't feel like it. I'm back to washing just my own plate. Same thing, I don't feel like washing all the plates. It's hard to keep the good habits.

Just Stop Being Obsessed With Me

Hey, stalker. I see you. ;)

Just Logged In

I logged in my main Facebook account earlier because I wondered what I was even trying to prove for not logging in for a year.

Just Got Bored

Update after 15 minutes of posting:

Just My New Avatar 5

I thought that I should change my avatar again because the hip flask I'm holding on my drawing doesn't really look like a hip flask.

Before

After

Just 18-year Old Me Making Sense to 22-year Old Me

Quite long read from four years ago but I think it's still relevant.

https://my-love-like-antimony.blogspot.com/2016/06/just-late-night-thoughts.html

Also, I ain't logging in my main Facebook account for the rest of the year again. I say again because I've already done this back in 2017. Quite a good year, I might say. I participated in life. Or did I? Lol

Just Gummy Thoughts

I'm eating gummy bears right now. Before eating one particular sweetly sour gummy bear, I pressed its top and bottom with my thumb and index finger. It sprang back up to its original form after a few seconds of releasing pressure. It got me to think, "Man, I wish I were just a gummy bear".

Just that the PC Restarted and Now My Drawing in MS Paint is Gone

You gotta let go of the stuff that's hard to let go. Don't fixate on it. Stop obsessing.

Just Answering the Question "Why Did You Choose Hotel and Restaurant Services as Your Course?"

I always get a little tongue-tied when people generally ask me that question. I am aware that it's really a surprise because it just doesn't suit me and my capacity at all. I don't know which best reason to tell them because there are quite a few. My mind just gets overwhelmed and goes blank after a few seconds when I'm confronted with it. So here I am, in bed, couldn't sleep when I'm trying to, wrote the reasons why. There may be some other reasons that my brain blanked out again and made me not write them down, but here are the ones that managed to come through:

1. To develop my social skills, which I don't have. (I already graduated and I still don't have them. Lol)

2. A lighter load on the brain since I couldn't take in any complicated stuff at the moment.

3. I thought that if I could finish this first, then I'll proceed to another scientific course.

4. I'm a lazy shit and I want to finish school in the shortest possible time.

5. It's the nearest college within the proximity. I don't really like riding a lot or for a long period of time.

6. I didn't want to go to the same colleges that my siblings went to.

7. I do the most unpredictable shit and this is one of them. Trust me, I'm also surprised.

8. So I would learn how to cook.

9. I already know a lot of stuff except hospitality stuff. I thought that if I take this up, then I would truly be the "Ace" (not Jack) of all Trades.

10. I figured I'd like the challenge of taking up something I'm not really interested in.

11. I already know how to do the stuff. Why should I take a course related to it? I should take up something that I don't really know how to do.

12. I thought that if I took a course with the thing I love and I'm really good at, I would lose the interest and would hate what I used to love doing. I mean, I love learning the core and technical aspects, the origins, and the "whys" of everything, but there was this story of a great artist, graduated high school, took up fine arts. Once classes started, the professor taught them the basics. "You should do it like this. The rules are that. What are you doing? That's not how you do it!" Everything he knew about art was wrong. When he tried to draw, he got conscious of all the new stuff the teacher taught him. Then, he progressively lost bits of his talents until he couldn't draw anymore. In the end, he shifted to another course. Lost his passion with art.

I feel like working makes you hate what you are doing. Being forced to do what you love to do makes it lose its true meaning, makes you forget why you started doing it in the first place.

13. I hate myself. I chose this course to punish my future and future self in the long run.

14. I want to see how people would react when someone doesn't do what they expect them to do

15. I just wanted to try something new. I got tired of the same stuff I've been doing.

16. Baking and cooking is an art and a science experiment. You gather up all the chemicals or art materials needed (in lay man's term, the ingredients): baking soda, food coloring, flour, etc. You shape them or mix them up together, and form something new. The music of the sizzling meat on the frying pan, combined with the rhythms of the chopping board, the noise of the yelling of orders, a rowdy concert in the kitchen.

(I'm just trying to be a pretentious poet here. Lol)

17. I don't want to be weak in some other aspects in my life. In this case, cleaning, cooking, interacting with people, and other basic stuff that people would already know how to do without studying the course. This is probably the same with number 9 and I'm just repeating it now. Does this still count?

18. All courses are good courses. This one isn't really a bad choice.

19. I thought that maybe I managed to learn to love this course that I hate. A few semesters in, I did think it's not that bad. I did love it at one point. I'd rather do this, than manage to hate a course that I used to love at the beginning.

20. I chose this course as a statement for the people out there who are afraid of people's expectations of them, to tell them that it is your choice and what people expect from you should not be a major factor in your decisions.

Just Answering the Question "What's Your Type?"

Someone who doesn't need emotional or physical needs but intellectual ones. Someone whom I can sing songs with, who appreciates my poems, who doesn't get uncomfortable when I tell them how I truly feel. Someone I can play the guitar with, play the melodies with the piano while I play the chords, complement my violin with the ukulele or vice versa. Someone who'll love my art, the portraits I'll draw, the spilled paints and smudged graphite, how the mess I've made will be called beautiful. Maybe that someone will paint me a picture of the things I want the most, too. Someone who is also a complicated equation like me, but when simplified we get the same solution, who will be the y as I am the x, who will be Sodium as I am the Chlorine, broken and formed together and we'll be as salty as the tears of joy we will shed when we make new discoveries. Someone who'll love our intellectual banters, and won't get offended when they're wrong and I'm right, and I'll do the same, mutualism. Someone with the high standards as me, how we'll always strive to be perfect, no matter impossible or pointless it may be. Someone who's untouched and pure, untainted by the sins of men, and even if stained a little, we'll wash 'em clean.

Someone who is me.

Just Made Ciokirs 🍞 with Her

Just Wondering What I'm Going to Do With My Life

I told myself that I'm supposed to be looking for a job this month but I'm way more not conditioned to work than I am from the previous months. Lmao

Just Jude Smoking a Cigarette

I could show my progress with the drawing, but I'm too lazy to find the pictures right now. I'm also on the verge of having an anxiety attack. Haha

Maybe I can edit it in later, idk.

Just Had This Comic Strip Idea While Washing the Dishes this Morning that It Almost Made Me Cry

Just Made This While I Was On The Toilet

Just Another Toilet Drawing

Just One Step at a Time

I managed to fold my clothes (which I was supposed to do last Monday) and update my journal with a 5-day backlog. Not as detailed as I would normally have written it but eh, I don't actually know what the point of being really detailed is.

Just Trying to See a Silver Lining

My room is starting to get messy again. But hey, at least I made my bed.

Just Need to Write on My Notebook Again, But Meh

I haven't updated my journal in 3 days. When you lose consistency, motivation is also lost.

Just a Berry Falling From the Bush

This is going to be short. Five little paragraphs, tops.

Blueberry, I am letting you go. Thank you for staying for a little while.

Just as the solar eclipse that we saw, the sun and moon were meant to meet only for a short moment. Still, it was pretty.

And as that song goes, "Don't paint me black when I used to be golden."

The moon took the sun's light during that time, and it will be like that if we do not end it now.

Yes, I may see you again in the next eclipse, whenever that may be.