Just Trying to Come Up With Another Poem Cuz I Did Not Like the Other One

Right now I just really want to write a poem that has a lot of literary devices but my literary juices have run out. I am tired. I have always been tired. I just want to write about something else, something that is not inspirational. I do not like inspirational stuff because I think they are just like an excrement of a living thing. Sure they can fertilize but they can also attract flies. But I have to put in effort this time. Even though it is not that sublime.

I did not think I would be here, in front of an audience, reciting a poem. I thought I would be somewhere else. Actually, I did not really think about the future. I do not like making any plans. They never go like I want to, just like in the past. You can learn a thing or two from the past

When you think of something as a chore, you would not really enjoy doing it. I prefer to enjoy the stuff that I do. I want to like what I do. It seems that recently I have too much on my plate. They keep putting food that I hate, and eating is supposed to be an enjoyable activity.

Crying causes catharsis. Claiming clueless crying characteristics chases columns of crisis in Christine's chest. It is raining. Yes, it is. The skies are not clear. It is okay when it rains. It is not a pain. It is when it rains that flowers grow. You feel better once you let the tears flow. The control is out of your hands.

Doing your best all the time makes you combust, like an engine overheating when you always push it to its limit. It is okay to let it rest and leave it. I tell myself this. That is why I am still here, why I still exist.

I am glad that I met my friends. They are the hands that will keep gripping on my shirt until I get off      that ledge. The bad seed inside me which I inherited, started creating roots some time ago. I think it even grew a leaf, but I make sure to trim it from time to time, so it will not take over my body. The seed is irremovable, so I make sure to take care of myself from time to time. When I can not, I trust that my friends will be there for me. They will be the ones to set me free temporarily. Though i n the end it will all still be me.

I am planting a good seed inside me. It will not replace the bad seed because it is permanent. But I hope to see that the seed will help me. It will somehow fix the dents. I can do what I can because it is me. I am not the bad seed that is inside me. This is not where it ends. I believe there is more that God will send. I have drowned and then resurfaced. I am sure that I will pass the next test.

Just a Slightly Stressful Environment, People, or Country or Life I Don't Fucking Know AaaaI hate My Sister

Of course I wish I were dead. One of the puppies died earlier. One other is weak and lethargic. I'm trying to sleep now but all I could see is ticks sticking into their skin. The three bigger dogs brawling earlier didn't help. I have a bruise and swelling on my leg. I put a band aid on. My sister's always playing and complains a lot. Her tone when she speaks to us is... Kind of like a privileged motherfucker. She wants to be treated like a princess. She thinks she is one. I fucking hate it here. I hate being alive. 

I forgot to take my lesson in DuoLingo. I think the only good side for today is that I was able to play my guitar in rDavao vc. I don't want to attend classes. I want to drop out. I want to kill myself. I am depressed. Why am I easily depressed? It's easy to just give in and succumb to the stress. It's tiring to put an effort to not be depressed. Putting an effort into all of this makes me depressed.

Just Time to Make Spoken Word Poetry Again

I thought I could find a good one in this blog. I don't seem to have one. Lol. I have one, that essay I wrote for my previous English class. But, let me just try if I can make a better one.

__________________________________________________________________________

All she knows about the future is that it is really uncertain.

She did not think she would be here, in front of an audience, reciting a poem. She thought she would be somewhere else. Actually, she did not really think about the future. She does not like making any plans. They never go as she wants to, just like in the past. People can learn a thing or two from the past.

The future is uncertain.

She did not think that she would feel this much. She feels like her once dark surroundings are now pink. Not fully colored, no. Pink. As in happy or not sad. She used to constantly feel like she was always missing a step, or like she was hexed by a witch to be rained on.

The future is not for sure.

You were ready to just let it all go. You were ready to let it fall a cliff, stomp on its hand if it clung, and destroy its hope to hold on. You did not. You figured that all you had to do was ride the wave and enjoy it. Live in the moment and not let unimportant things matter. Get yourself together and be happy, for once. Being a downer is being a donkey.

The present is for sure.

You know that right now is happening. You know that right now is worth every effort, every burn out, every stress. You know how to cope. You know which buttons not to press. You know which ropes to pull. You learned a lot for the past couple of years. And you know that there are still so much more to learn. Crying causes catharsis. Claiming clueless crying characteristics chases columns of crisis in Christine's chest. 

The present is certain.

I have drowned and then resurfaced. I thank the hands that gripped my shirt until I got off that ledge. Living in the moment is what matters. The present is important.

Just Finished the Programming Exam

 Thanks, brain :))

Just Why Would He Do That

 I typed a paragraph but it disappeared and I don't want to retype it anymore.

He messaged my brother. It bummed me out. I don't want to be mad at him. He had good intentions. But he doesn't get it. I haven't explained it. Explaining stuff is not one of my greatest strengths. It was supposed to be easy. *sigh*

Just Tried To Poem

 I did not think it would be a big deal

Actually, I did

But I thought that I could just ignore it

I must be just hungry

I am not sure.

Just Randomly Remembering This Guy from Bangladesh because I was Randomly Googling Stuff about Depression and Found Bangladesh

 I still can't forget that guy from Bangladesh I video chatted in Omegle years ago. He wore a skeleton mask and was funny and talkative and lives with his mom. I wonder if he remembers that moment too. Hmm...