Just This Month's Update

Yoooo it's March already. 

First of all, here's a new youtube video:

https://youtu.be/8kizYSw1HU8

Now that it's out of the way...

The empfohlen.de app, deep inside I knew it was bullshit, but eh, sure, I'll keep doing it. I think I got 19.80 euros? And then it changed from 20 euros minimum cash out to 35. Like wtf. I got my citadel to level 18 at most. Level 27 in travel town. I'm like, yknow what, this shit, so fckng bullshit. Time to stop. Outta here. Man, I read the bad reviews. I mean, the copium is, that it was a bit fun in its own way. I floated through February because of that though haha

So it was his birthday on the 4th. He was in Frankfurt for the whole week for a convention for his work. I baked him a cake on Friday, the day he came home. Decided to use the food coloring that was gonna expire by the end of the month. 

Our cat Jun kept constantly puking everyday last month. I was scrolling through reddit to see what other people with the same problem did. Cuz, I figured something needs to change. We can't keep cleaning up puke all the time. We're running out of toilet paper fast. The spray ran out too. What I did was elevate their food bowl with the boxes from amazon, the boxes that had their food in. His puking reduced. When my guy was on his trip, he never puked. I notice that he now pukes when he feeds him XD I did try to lock him in a room when he starts zooming around after eating. His puking could be because of anything by now.

My mom's birthday back home had visitors. Bro sent videos in the group chat.

(I wish I could earn money from YouTube :( )

Edit: I forgot to mention that I have decided not to pursue Musikinformatik anymore. Had a long back and forth with ChatGPT and apparently it's risky when I'm mainly doing it for stability and identity repair.

Just the Dream I Just Had and Some Sentiments

It was our kasambahay lovely in my dream, that was cooking. But first I saw her with a dog with the bombastic side eye. Black for with white snout. She cooked the dog into caldereta. I didn't eat it. Others did. Told some that they're eating dog.

It was a world that aged slow unless you decide not to anymore then you age very fast. You're an old person in seconds unless you use a laptop at an angle. There were maybe three of us who decided not to age slow anymore. We played a dota-ish game while we come up with a plan on how to do this rebellion or uprising. Then it shifted to me, sime jun and another one having lasers to point at people where the rule is to always point it to a person or else the aging process continues. At one point I said I wanna die anyway I don't have to keep doing this. Then he said I shouldn't do that the lyrics of the song is saying and I said I always wanted to die even before this song came out. People laughed. Something about Ireneo coming later. He came and he wanted to write down the lyrics Bobby was gonna sing for him. He was sitting next to me so I offered to show him the lyrics on Spotify. As I was getting my phone I remembered the rice and the other pot and told everyone it was ready already. Had to do the laser thingy while waiting for it to cook this whole time. When I went out to check on it the others were just sitting near the stove and Gene told me disappointedly that someone stole everything and I shouldn't have made food for everyone we could have just made our own they can manage with their own. 

Before all that I remember a ship sailing to a part of the map. It was stormy from the perspective above the clouds. 

________________________________________________

I think I dreamed the age acceleration thingy because I read a bit of House of Olympus when I couldn't sleep. The ships thingy too. 

I kinda wish I could see sime jun again.

My period is over today. I skipped last week, like it felt like I traveled in time from being so depressed. 

I found this app from an ad that played while I was playing sudoku, crossword puzzle and etc. called empfohlen.de and I started to play puzzles and chaos, travel town, and monopoly. I'm supposed to earn money by doing tasks in those games. I earned 8 euros so far lol I can't cash out until 20 euros. I could actually feel the effects of it on my brain cuz it's kinda hard for me to find the right words in my sentences and the door way effect is much stronger now lmao.

I almost forgot to take lamotrigine last night. Jt was at 4 am when I still couldn't sleep. I only remembered when i texted shiloh. Almost dm'ed someone hi how are you do you hate me on twitter.

Just Regrets

I wish I weren't mentally ill that I stopped college the first time. I would have finished with my batchmates with a proper job by now. I'm feeling quite lost right with what I want to do with my life. I'm going to be 29 this year. I have nothing going on career-wise. I didn't think it would be like this when I was a kid, not that I expected anything back then.

I wish I weren't mentally ill that I stopped college the second time. Everyone was so supportive. They're always so supportive. Why do I get severe depression when I'm stressed? And why does it freaking affect short term memory? 

Now I'm considering a third one. And a uni here in Germany, too. I'm having doubts since my German is still far from what I want it to be. 

On the other side of things, if I finished college the first time, I wouldn't be where I am right now. I would have a job, wouldn't have time to VRChat, wouldn't have met him, wouldn't be i. Germany. I want to say this is all copium but that's just the opposite of redirecting all this rumination.

Just What I was Working On

Here.

https://youtu.be/S3WDOZpuWr8 

Just the Future from the Previous Post

Okay, so, I didn't renew my work contract, haha. I didn't want to put up with ibyang. Not paid enough for that lmao I've been animating something in my free time tho. It's almost done. Today, we went to the Arbeitsagentur. Told him I wanted to study Musikinformatik. I'm not registered as a job seeker anymore. 

So, the plan is, maybe study that? And animate or make videos in my free time? Who knows? Another attempt at studying something, lol. Am I even gonna finish it?

Just Unsure of the Future

My work contract ends on the 26th, I think. But that's just on paper. We agreed I'd work for 6 or 9 months. He only did it that way because lots of people quit after a month or so. I'm not sure if I wanna keep going. Not that I don't like my job, it's fun, like a game. It's just that, do I want to study Musikinformatik? And with that I can make music and make better YouTube videos? Hone my music skills? Or maybe animation? Or, just keep my job, wait for him to learn enough Japanese and get a job in Japan, and move there. He was so motivated when we came back home from Japan last August. I mention one time that I like it here, maybe I want to study, idk, and then he says now that he's not that motivated anymore. I should talk to him about this. But we kind of had the conversation, just didn't get any conclusion from it tho. 

Also, my legs feel tight. Also, they're making me work mornings too.

That's it.

Just Had a Trip

Just got home from Switzerland. No words...

Just Work Occurrences

Uploaded a new video. Currently it has 11 views. I don't think it'll get higher anymore. I'm giving up. 

https://youtu.be/sIfapyuJ_Zk 

My left heel kind of hurts. 

Last week he was sick. He only has a bit of a cough now. We think it's covid. I was kinda sick too. Slight headache from nasal pressure. Not that sick to skip work though. My coworker tho, she's been out since last Thursday. 

My seatmate at the break room was substituting her. She has a different approach than my senpai. I'm too "I don't give that much of a shit" to tell her how we do things. I mean, I don't like it when they're kinda... Like I feel like I'm slow, you know? So they take the boxes next to me. My copium is that, if they take the boxes, that just means less work for me. Win-win. Also, last Friday, I spilled ink on the mat. Fck me. Lol

Just Girl Math

For my first salary I spent 120.25 euros worth of skin care and 48 euros for a massage which in total is 3.16 euros more than my salary XD

Just Another Snowy Dream

Part of my dream just now was that we were at a classroom that's like a glasshouse or a greenhouse and the students on the right side were Filipino and when it started to snow every Filipino was happy and wowed and stopped the class to go outside and enjoy the snow.

Just a Snowy Dream

I dreamt that it was snowing (the setting was at my home in the Philippines) and that I was gonna be late for work (my job here in Germany). Was trying to get ready as fast as I could. Was considering not taking a shower XD I took a quick one. Searched for socks, which was shelved like those in malls. Was considering a taxi, faster than a bicycle. I woke up, looked at the time, almost 7 am. Phew, not gonna be late. Looked at the weather. Light snow. Looks out the window. Nothing. Lol

Just a Silent Agony

I want to kill myself. 

This food stuck in my esophagus sensation is fckng annoying. Day 3 of it. 9th dose of Acarizax. I want to cut. (I'm probably not. Just fantasizing it bad)

Just Already November

I have a job! I worked for two weeks already.  I'm getting used to it. 

I love autumn. The view to and from work is amazing. I go through a forest. I'm burning a lot of calories. I think I'm making up with it with my food lol I should stop so I finally lose some weight.

Just My Blessings for Today

1. Went to the neurologist. They tested my ulnar nerve. 

a. Everything's normal. 

b. I survived with only speaking German . Didn't ask if they could speak English, didn't say that my German isn't good. Wow.

c. Biked in the rain. Survived it thanks to Yuta's rain poncho. Was able to arrive there.

 2. Got a job offer. I'm heading there tomorrow to see what it's going to be like.

3. My heels are heeling (healing).

4. I have a goal of maybe studying Musikinformatik. (Am I hopeful?)

I guess that's it. 

Just Appointments

Tomorrow I have an ear, nose and throat doctor appointment. The next day I have an orthopedic doctor appointment. Next week I have a dentist appointment.

I still don't have a job. 

I'm playing too much pico park.

Speaking of games, Clair Obscur. Man, what a game. Lune's death stare at the end. Verso's ending. Everything. Chef's kiss. I want to play it again. But, I want to play silk song too.

Just a September Journal

So last week I went to Edeka to apply, but the hiring sign changed to a position I didn't want to apply for. I panicked, hid by the coffee section, texted my husband, telling him I want to come home (it's just a 10 min walk), picked up his Amazon package at the post, and cried in his arms when I got home.

I want to earn money to buy stuff, but every time I take a step towards getting a job, I get depressed. 

Have I mentioned that our trip to Japan last July solidified my husband's resolve to live there? Now he has plans to be there in 6 months. He's studying his Japanese intensively. I just got my school certificates recognized Annerkenung) because I was thinking of getting an Ausbildung, which usually lasts for 3 years. I was self studying German for a long time (still am). Am I supposed to think that all of those were all for nothing? Am I supposed to focus on Japanese now?

Anyway, I clicked on an ad from Duolingo. Two, in fact. First was Finch, a productivity app. I was really productive during the first week of using it. I guess it made me be consistent with learning German, too. The second one was Mimo. It's like Duolingo, but for programming. It's fun. I'm learning. A lot of it is reviewing what I learned from years ago. Maybe I could work as a programmer? I'm considering it a bit. I guess I just need to finish the course. 

My left ear hole is really itchy. It's been 7 years now. Ugh.

Just Want to Meow

I feel like shit. (Probably from my period)

Just the 8th Month of 2025

Hey, it's August. This blog isn't dead. Haha

Last month we went to the Philippines and Japan. We're back home since August 1st.

Hubby's resolve to live in Japan solidified. He is now trying hard to find ways to learn Japanese and land a job there. I, on the other hand, played dota the whole week last week. Man, oh man, I don't know what to do with my life career-wise. I don't even have one, lol.

I played peak today with nanako, chair, wave, mort, len (dc'd after 5 mins cuz of motion sickness) and lee-na. 

I woke up at 2 pm today. Bff still has boy problems but she has already decided to end it. It hasn't yet, but she's planning to.

Our plants survived even after leaving them unattended for a month haha

I should edit a new video for YouTube. At least just the toilet flush thing. Lol

Jun, our cat, sometimes gets startled by my farts. Kevin meows a lot when we sneeze. 

That's it for this post.

Just Out of Country

We arrived in the Philippines on July 5. Our flight to dvo was delayed for an hour. We got to look at the waterfall at the airport in changi. The restaurant at the airport was a bit stressful cuz we ordered using a qr code, not with the kiosks. So we waited for 20 minutes with our orders not being called at the display. He had to go up to the stand. They didn't receive any order from the qr code even though we paid. The wifi wasn't fast enough for me to spin the pokestops there tho.

When we arrived at the airbnb, it stank of pee. Damn. The room is only locked with a door knob. Imagine, we booked for 11 days in advance with no refunds. We stayed for two nights before he booked another at booking.com.

But then, when we got there, the room was unavailable. He had to call the unit owner and he helped us find another room. The guard was helpful. He called another person and she had to drive 45 minutes, so we had to wait. It was two days of Eevee community day. I wasn't able to get an Umbreon shiny :(

When the renter arrived, she showed us the room. She still had to clean it because there was a previous tenant. We left them to do it because we wanted to go to church at st. M's. 

I'm pretty sleepy rn so I guess I'll continue this next time. 

Just a Thought at 2:30 am

My aunt said that my dad used to want to be a priest. He should have done it so I wouldn't have to be born.

Just Felt My Heart Do a Thing

I uploaded this video and someone unsubscribed :(

https://youtu.be/6jSHsCQFL2Y

Just a Twitch Thought

I'm thinking of maybe just becoming a twitch streamer because I keep getting rejected by all the Ausbildung I'm applying for. 

Just June 2025

Yo, it's June. Before I forget to write a post for this month, I'm writing one now. 

My latest YouTube video, this one, has now the most views a video has ever gotten in my channel. It's over 4000 as of now. Wow. It might not be much for a lot of people, but for a small channel like mine, it's a big deal. I just wish I had more ideas to upload XD

Just Writing Down This Picturesque Dream I Had Just Now

I dreamt that I was on a trip. J. Ochigue, E. Alcos, and 6 or more other people were there. We were at a cliff or sth. I was afraid I would fall. There was this branch we could grab on to. But it turns out they weren't rooted, and just attached to each other, like sticks just put on holes. So I just tried not to fall. We were all tightly sardined. Then we wanted to go on our way. E. Alcos started to say a prayer or a poem that's religious that would help protect us. We were hiking on a suspension bridge. We were on a mossy cliff. There was this particular section on the wall ground that was so pretty I had to take a pic. I looked for my phone. Couldn't find it. Asked Eizu for his phone. I looked at his phone. Gave it back cuz I didn't know how to unlock it. I asked him to open the camera. He took a picture of me. I said no. I took a picture of the pretty section of the moss wall cliff. Bins wanted a pic. I took one.* Then we were walking and there was this very colorful and beautiful and pretty river, like glowing cyan water, with colorful fish jumping around. It was aaall soooo prettyyyyy. Maybe like astral ascent. I think I said what in the stardew valley as a comment in the dream. Then we were in a room like in a mall. There was this area where it was like a floating sea. The flish were floating in the air. The same fish from earlier. Bins and A. Adarna walked in the "water". It turns out it was a hologram of sone sort. I asked if it hurt them. They said no. For me it hurt my arm, triggering my cubital tunnel. Then to the left there were gacha machines. M. Guillermo and I excitedly went to that area in the store. Looked around for some good stuff. There was one machine with bananas. There was a small action figure of bad banana like I had back home. Above that were other banana stuff. I got excited. 5€-10€. I looked at my coins and it was all pesos. I was busy with the machine. Behind me there were rows of pupils, forming lines. The lady who looked like that sporty girl in m. Guillermo's brother's section, who was at the counter from the sea section, came to speak with everyone. It all started to get scary. There were kids with cigarettes. Naga pabadlong. The kids were getting hard to control. The noisiness. Lady didn't know what to do. She wasn't these kids' teacher. She started to get angry. Rose her voice a bit. Then there was a kid with a gun in his possession. I was scared. I stopped doing things with the gacha machine and took cover. There was a gunshot. It was the Lady who shot it up the ceiling. I woke up breathing fast.

There was a part of the dream where I think hubby and I at post sex were on the floor smoking cigarettes kinda naked. He stubbed out the cigarette on the floor (I didn't see this yet) then I stubbed mine. And there were ashes on the floor. That's when I was sure he did it too. 

After waking up all I could think was "sayanga sa picture oy" and I wished all the pretty parts of the dream were real. Decided to write it all down before I forget. I wanted to remember it.

*Bins and Eizu were above me hanging on a rope like bouldering ropes. 

Just Cut Out for This, But I Don't Want to Do It

Went to the Probearbeit today. Between 3 pm and 4 pm I was filing a black plastic thing into a square. I have no idea what that was for. Couldn't understand that well because of the language barrier. I was afraid to ask when they kept mentioning not to be.

In the morning we were sorting Anträge. Mailing sth. Throwing away boxes. 

I wanted to go home after taking my break. I wanted to go home because I was making too much noise. 

I feel like shit. The iwannakmsiwannadie feeling is here.

Just an Apprenticeship Interview

I guess this blog is where I share my videos. Here's one. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j7A2v0a1voI

Ich sollte mein Deutsch wirklich üben. Muss English vermeiden. Morgen habe ich eine Vorstellungsgespräch. Es ist eine Ausbildung zur Augenoptikerin bei Fielmann. Vielleicht kann ich hier schreiben, wie ich die Fragen beantworten kann.

1. Warum möchten Sie eine Ausbildung zum Augenoptiker machen?

Ich habe eine Leidenschaft für handwerkliche Arbeit. In meiner Freizeit, sowohl zeichne ich als auch bastele gern. Ich mag es, mit meinen Händen zu arbeiten, und ich bin überzeugt, dass ich diese Fähigkeit zu der Arbeit als Augenoptikerin beitragen kann. Ich habe auch erfahrung als Kundenservice Mitarbeiterin, deshalb glaube ich dass ich die Kunden gut betreuen kann.

2. Warum haben Sie sich für Fielmann entschieden?

Ich bin dafür interessiert bei Fielmann zu arbeiten, weil die Vorteile mich gefallen haben.

3. Was sind Ihre Stärken und Schwächen?

Ich lerne schnell, und arbeite präzis. Zum Beispiel habe ich Prüfungen bestehen, die ich am Vortag gelernt habe. Meine Schwäche ist mein Deutschkenntniss, aber ich arbeite schon daran. Gerade bin ich in einen Sprachkurs und es läuft derzeit gut.

4. Was wissen Sie über den Beruf des Augenoptikers?

Ich weiß dass sie Brillen erstellen. Sie machen Sehtests und beraten Kunden welche Brille zu Ihnen passt. 

5. Welche handwerklichen Fähigkeiten bringen Sie mit?

Ich bastele gern. Letzten Sonntag habe ich einen Drachen gebaut. Manchmal, wenn ich zerbrochene Dinge habe, versuche ich, sie zu reparieren. Ich habe es oft geschafft. 

6. Wie gehen Sie mit einem unzufriedenen Kunden um?

Mit unzufriedenen Kunden, weiß ich dass ich ruhig bleiben sollte. Dann nehme ich den Kunden ernst, und suche nach einer Lösung.

7. Ein Kunde möchte eine Brille, die ihm nicht steht – wie reagieren Sie?

Ich würde Ihnen erklären, dass eine andere Briulle besser passt. Aber falls der Kunden einen anderen Wunsch hat, würde ich ihn respektieren.

8. Wie reagieren Sie, wenn es im Geschäft sehr stressig wird?

Ich setze Prioritäten, ruhig zu bleiben, und im Team zu arbeiten.

Hier ist was ChatGPT korrigiert hat:

1. Warum möchten Sie eine Ausbildung zum Augenoptiker machen?

Ich habe eine Leidenschaft für handwerkliche Arbeit. In meiner Freizeit zeichne und bastele ich gern, weil ich es liebe, mit meinen Händen zu arbeiten. Ich bin überzeugt, dass ich diese Fähigkeiten in den Beruf als Augenoptikerin einbringen kann. Außerdem habe ich bereits Erfahrung im Kundenservice, sodass mir der Umgang mit Menschen leichtfällt und ich Kunden gut beraten kann.

---

2. Warum haben Sie sich für Fielmann entschieden?

Fielmann ist ein bekanntes Unternehmen mit einer sehr guten Ausbildung. Besonders gefällt mir, dass Fielmann seinen Auszubildenden viele Vorteile bietet, wie eine hochwertige Schulung und gute Entwicklungsmöglichkeiten. Ich möchte in einem Unternehmen arbeiten, das großen Wert auf Qualität und Kundenzufriedenheit legt.

---

3. Was sind Ihre Stärken und Schwächen?

Meine Stärken sind, dass ich schnell lerne und sehr präzise arbeite. Zum Beispiel habe ich Prüfungen erfolgreich bestanden, obwohl ich erst am Vortag mit dem Lernen begonnen habe. Ich kann mir Dinge gut merken und setze neues Wissen schnell um.

Meine Schwäche ist, dass mein Deutsch noch nicht perfekt ist. Aber ich arbeite aktiv daran, indem ich einen Sprachkurs besuche, und ich mache gute Fortschritte.

---

4. Was wissen Sie über den Beruf des Augenoptikers?

Ein Augenoptiker hilft Menschen, die richtige Brille oder Kontaktlinsen zu finden. Er führt Sehtests durch, berät Kunden bei der Auswahl von Brillengestellen und passt Brillen an. Außerdem gehört das handwerkliche Anpassen und Reparieren von Brillen zum Beruf.

---

5. Welche handwerklichen Fähigkeiten bringen Sie mit?

Ich bastele gern und habe ein gutes handwerkliches Geschick. Zum Beispiel habe ich letzten Sonntag einen Drachen gebaut. Außerdem repariere ich oft kaputte Gegenstände zu Hause – meistens mit Erfolg. Diese Fähigkeiten helfen mir, präzise und sorgfältig zu arbeiten.

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6. Wie gehen Sie mit einem unzufriedenen Kunden um?

Ich bleibe ruhig und freundlich, höre dem Kunden genau zu und versuche, seine Wünsche zu verstehen. Dann suche ich gemeinsam mit ihm eine Lösung, die ihn zufriedenstellt.

---

7. Ein Kunde möchte eine Brille, die ihm nicht steht – wie reagieren Sie?

Ich würde dem Kunden freundlich erklären, warum eine andere Brille möglicherweise besser zu ihm passt. Dabei würde ich ihm alternative Modelle zeigen, die vorteilhafter für ihn wären. Aber wenn er sich trotzdem für sein Wunschmodell entscheidet, respektiere ich das natürlich.

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8. Wie reagieren Sie, wenn es im Geschäft sehr stressig wird?

Ich bleibe ruhig, setze Prioritäten und arbeite strukturiert. Außerdem ist mir Teamarbeit wichtig – wenn es stressig wird, unterstütze ich meine Kollegen und behalte den Überblick.

Just Small Progress

Another video, yay. 

https://youtu.be/18DALUco3AA

I keep looking up Ausbildung offers. Thankfully the Biologielaborant is still there. I hope it stays there until I get a reply from the emails I sent. 

If all else fails, I'll bite the bullet and apply at the hotel. I don't think I'd like that.

Second choice is Lagerlogistik. Why is this shit hard.

Tomorrow, I'll attempt to go to Heidelberg alone to get my prescription. I hope it doesn't go too bad.

Just that This is How It Goes, I Guess

New video uploaded today.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NPfF2I_bXnw

I don't know, man. I just... I don't know what to do as a job. I keep looking at Ausbildung lists. There's a lot of steps. And I imagine myself doing the job description. At first, I'm like, alright, it's doable. That seems cool in my head. And then, these flashes in my mind about posts of people being unhappy with a similar job. I mean, a job isn't always fun. And how can I even decide anything that hasn't even happened yet, and something that I haven't at least taken a step towards into. 

Anyway, husband just arrived. End post.

Just Uploaded Another Video Last Friday

 I don't think it's going too good. No one's watching it. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D91rPyrVci0

Yesterday, I went to church and prayed for some guidance. It was the presentation of child Jesus to the temple. There was a couple of kids present and it was a rare sight to see. 

The suicidal thoughts are there, but it's not as bad as before. It's still bad. This YouTube thing and the career thing. I'm getting older and the gap in my resume is getting wider and wider. It's already February. I should plan on what I want to do with my life here. 

Just Made a Channel Trailer

Like what the title of this blog post. Here it is.

https://youtu.be/MEyKaMAnxwM

Again, to any of you bots who are actually people who reads this, I hope you watch it 🥹 (kidding)

Just in Between Things

There's this flap at the corner front left of my mouth that I keep touching with my tongue. It's a little bit annoying. 

I'm trying to look for jobs now. There's so many things I want to buy and I want to do it with my own money this time. YouTube's not going too well. Who knows how long that would take. It will bum me out. I want it to work 🥹

I must lose weight. I'm more than 64 kg now. I should be 62 by the end of January. 60 by February. 59-58 by March. If we're trying to be more realistic, 63-January, 62-February, 61-March. All that hard work, man. I reached 54 kg once. My shin hurt. I rested. Damn. I was 57 kg this time last year. Ugh. That's 7 kg in a year. I just looked up 2023 too and I was 60.3 kg. So in a year, I can only lose 3 kg? But easily gain 7 kg? Wtf is this? I just stepped on the scale. 65. I'm sad. This is sad.

Anyway, I downloaded this game called Idle Slayer. I easily get and let myself be distracted lmao

Plans for videos:

First the channel trailer vid, then play ffxvi for a month and make a summary of the game within x seconds. I already started writing the script for the former. 

Have I written about Tenerife? Not sure. Let me check. I haven't. Welp. We went to Tenerife last December 12. His dad wasn't prepared. We weren't prepared for his dad. Long story haha went back on December 15.

Went to Lübeck for Christmas. It was cool seeing the Weinachtsmann tradition. The effort people do. I usually didn't care for this stuff.

Writing all this is making me feel down now. I'm already feeling a bit down before I started writing. I looked at some of the old blog posts for my script too. Some funny shit, man. The first time playing DotA2 post. That was some shit ahahaha funny how you're a different person after 7 years. Wow. It has been 7 years. Damn.

Just was Told to Write My New Year's Dream Down

 First dream after new years

There was a really long line to I forgot. To my classroom, maybe. 

J***-like teacher girl angry for some reason. Got more angry when something spilled on the floor. I tried to clean it, someone then sprayed an aerosol. She got more angry.

Dream shifted to Assumption, my first school. There was a girl. I think I was a guy. Some song being sung to her that breaks her heart. Another song called Para Sa'yo by Parokya ni Edgar to give her hope, to let her know someone likes her. 

Some sport being played. J*******'s lil bro playing takyan or badminton?

Time to go out of school. P**** gave junk food. I put it in my backpack. Sir C**** was inspecting bags as students went out. He saw the junk food. Told P**** about it. Everyone gathered in front of the gate to eat it, partly blocking the way of the people coming out of the gate. Sir C**** with a weirdchamp face (without the headshake)

Just Another YouTube Video

I uploaded another YouTube video. Here it is. 

https://youtu.be/hwGX509jHNU

Please, let it get a lot of view. I spent a lot of time on it.

Just Pumpkin Pie

We made pumpkin pie today. It was delicious.

It's December, wow. I'm still unemployed. 

I've been working on a 3-minute animation for almost a month now.

I streamed last December 1. It didn't get much views.

I had an impacted wisdom tooth removed last November 28. I took a selfie that I don't remember taking. My sleep got messed up for a long time, maybe until now, by the sedation. 

Went to the gynecologist last December 3. She didn't find any problems.

Went to church last December 1. I'm sorry, Lord, for not going today. 

I haven't been playing Pokemon Go. The last time I played for community day, my outer and inner hip hurt. 

I finished the Down Dog Yoga November challenge. 

Been rinsing my tooth hole with water from a syringe. Maybe I shouldn't overdo it. Maybe it's the clot and not food I'm cleaning out. 

We bought a pothos plant and a succulent last month. We repotted the monstera and snake plant. Wait, no. Is it called a snake plant? I forgot.

Just Promoting This Video Here

I don't know if anyone is even viewing this blog. But if any of these bots that are making the stats increase has a teeny tiny chance to be an actual human, I hope you watch this video I made. 

https://youtu.be/qlKY3yuLG34

I am hoping a little bit that it blows up. The realistic part of me thinks that's not gonna happen. I really wish it did, though. It would be kinda sick.

Just Whatever's Wrong with Me, I Hope It's Nothing, but at the Same Time, I Don't Care

I went to the Notdienstpraxis today because there was blood in my urine. I noticed some red spots yesterday when I peed, but I wasn't sure if it was from my butt or my bladder. The past week I've been noticing some weird smell on my pee, too, that reminded me of my mom lmao. I thought it was a hormonal thing, but it turns out it was a bacterial infection. I've been scratching a lot, too because it was often itchy. Hmm...

I have a dentist appointment on Monday to get my jaw checked. It hurt a lot a month ago that I couldn't fully open my mouth. It hurts to yawn, too. It's slightly better now. There's still a mild pain when I yawn. Yesterday, though, there's been referred or maybe radiating pain on my neck and the back of my head and sometimes my face. The ankle pain is still slightly there, but I'm choosing to ignore it now, like my mild hip pain. The pins and needles sensation on my arms, elbows and hands still come and go. 

Haha. Anyway. Just some health update here so I can note down the symptoms I'm feeling just in case they ask since when I've been having them.

Just Inktober

I decided to do the inktober challenge this year. I didn't do it in the previous years because I didn't want to start something I can't commit to or something I know I can't finish. Another reason was to see if I can be consistent with art, and maybe do it as a profession, like being an animator or illustrator. I downloaded Clip Studio Paint a month ago. I wanted to use the whole 30-day free trial but I my attention was focused on inktober and using actual ink. I guess the trial's expired now.

I really wanted to quit in the middle of the challenge. My husband made me push all the way through. Haha. The prompts were too repetitive or synonymous. It was hard to be creative. I did my own thing by having a banana in each drawing, too. Anyway, here are my drawings:

Day 1: Backpack

Day 2: Discover

Day 3: Boots

Day 4: Exotic

Day 5: Binoculars

Day 6: Trek

Day 7: Passport

Day 8: Hike

Day 9: Sun

Day 10: Nomadic

Day 11: Snacks

Day 12: Remote

Day 13: Horizon

Day 14: Roam

Day 15: Guidebook

Day 16: Grungy

Day 17: Journal

Day 18: Drive

Day 19: Ridge

Day 20: Uncharted

Day 21: Rhinoceros

Day 22: Camp

Day 23: Rust

Day 24: Expedition

Day 25: Scarecrow

Day 26: Camera

Day 27: Road

Day 28: Jumbo

Day 29: Navigator

Day 30: Violin

Day 31: Landmark

Just Want Her to Fuck Off

Yesterday, we met with sensei. I'm writing it now because it's been living in my mind rent-free. She keeps insisting I should make friends, talk to native German people. She keeps insisting enrolling in a course is better. Sure, yeah. But I DON'T WANT TO. I FEEL DEPRESSED WHEN I SOCIALIZE. THE HIGH DURING THE MOMENT AND THEN I JUST CRASH BY THE TIME I'M HOME. 

She brought textbooks ffs. She thought I was still A1-A2. I DON'T WANT TO KEEP BEING FRIENDS WITH HER ANYMORE. 

Anyway, yesterday morning, we had a video chat with k and b. It was because k's gf asked for a break. I shouldn't be writing this here.

Just Germaning a Couple Paragraphs

Hab heute mit jemandem getroffen. In einem Café. Hab mein Deutsch geübt. 

Ich zeichnete. Es war schwer. Ich will verbessern.

Just Physical Pains

It's been constant during my menstrual cycle. The upper left part of my back. The sudden pinching heart pain that goes away after a second. Right now it's by the back of my neck, lower left side. This snapping part of my left collar bone by my neck, like a vein or a nerve, since 2016. Sometimes I feel like my heart's not beating (it is) and I try to jerk my foot or leg to snap out of that trance, and that little surprised feeling when someone jump-scares you comes. Yeah, what is that feeling that you're constantly being jump-scared? Anxiety? Lmao

Every time I mention these stuff to a doc they have no idea what I'm talking about since my vitals and tests are normal. Man. I guess I'm sticking to mindfulness and therapy techniques or whatever. Probably just anxiety or whatever.

Just a Dream with an Annoying Little Shit

Just had a dream where I just wanted to be an NPC. I think it was a graduating high school kind of setting, a setting I don't want to go back to, because that's when all my mental health downfall began. In the dream I wanted to go to the guidance counselor to discuss this, how I'm feeling depressed, but the buildings were like malls, and it was hard to get around. I had a "don't bother me" face. I remember I had stuff left in the classroom. I remember that Kim M. was there and I was unintentionally mean. I remember I had a boyfriend and I was also unintentionally mean. Then there was the black bird guy who was being an annoying little shit. Tried to get me angry because I was emotionless. I guess that was his way to cheer me up. I remember being lifted up to the ceiling and got a little mad. I tried to walk around trying to avoid everybody I know.

Just Finished an Embarrassing Animation

Finally finished this vid

https://youtu.be/Hn7cI6Wq9Lc  

Just Practicing This Language

Ich versuche deutsch zu schreiben. Muss mehr üben. Ich gehe nicht so oft raus und treffe keine leute. 

Schon August. Hab mein aufenthaltstitel erhalten. 

Heute hab ich meine Animation gezeichnet. Mein ehemann hilft mir. Er leiht mir seinen computer durch meinen laptop. Desktop Sharing.

Ich will beten, dass ich erfolgreich werde. Ich möchte mein YouTube Kanal erfolgreich sein. Gott ist dabei obwohl ich nicht bete. Ich fühle mich noch komisch wenn ich bete. Es würde dankbar, wenn Er mich vergeben kann. 

Meine Sätze sind schlicht. Denke dass ich nicht b2 schreiben kann. Ugh.

Edit:

I can't really update really well if I'm writing in german. Lol. Can't express fully.

I decided to take a break from pokemon go for the month of august. I want my left leg to heal and I should pause, if playing this game is the cause of the pain. 

Apartment is 70% home-y, I guess. He still needs to install the lamps and the kitchen shelf. We need to throw the mountain of cardboard. I should arrange the table in his work room. The clothes cabinet is so *chef's kiss*. He's ordering a new microwave since the one that arrived is crappy. I think we still need a bigger fridge. I miss our induction stove. I miss the cold weather. Summer is too warm. I should call my mom soon. She probably misses me and needs someone to talk to.

Just Hope He Doesn't See This

The only thing I remember from my dream last night was that carb was playing pokemon go with another of his friends and he could see my location and went there, like it felt like he wanted to meet me. I think I'm reality it was the other way around.

Just Gonna Write Some Stuff

Been a few days of not taking 25mg quetiapine for sleep and being able to sleep. The military method is working. :D

Have I mentioned we moved? Yesterday we went to IKEA to shop for furniture.

Last Saturday it was an Elite Raid for Mega-Rayquaza. Husband wanted to tag along. He didn't shower when I asked him to cuz I didn't tell him about the urgency. Only when I said there's gonna be a raid at 12 pm, which I said at 11:30am. At 12pm, there were people in the gym but we were still at home. Tried to rush there but it was too late. Went to another one but it was too late again. Asked him to send a message to the guy with my campfire account cuz I can't do it in German. Luckily he answered and said they were heading to the gym we were at before. I got two new rayquaza. Enough mega energy now. Husband had a shiny one. ( ,, •̀ ⤙ •́ ,,)

What led me to write right now was my sudden feeling of melancholy. Not sure if it was sudden. I took a nap this afternoon. Didn't do yoga. Biked to the bürgerbüro. Husband asked for my passport. Showed him both of ours. He said he didn't need his so I put it back. In the back of my mind I thought we should've brought it just in case but we didn't. It turns out we did need it. Lmao.

Don't like how he's stubborn when I say we should sleep. He ends up doing a thousand more of other things before he's in bed with me. He takes his time before he does what I ask. I try not to ask him much anymore since I know what the outcome is. That's what I'm willing to compromise. He has a lot more of good qualities that outweighs this one. He has initiative and does a lot for the both of us. I love him.

I should sleep now. Good night.

Just Sickness

Calendar says 7 days before my period. Idk, I feel like it's been recurring that I've been having quick nosebleeds a week before my period starts. Idk anymore (⁠ ⁠；⁠∀⁠；⁠) am I just being a hypochondriac or is it really just the dry air ಥ⁠‿⁠ಥ

Idk if I said this here before but part of me is telling myself that I want to die anyway... So... 

Ignore my symptoms? Or actually give a shit cuz I get frantic when I'm feeling stuff?

Blood test was normal tho. So...

I haven't done an x-ray for more than a year, but it has all been normal. 

Fuck this shit.

Just Don't Want to Go Back to Sleep for a Moment

Because I just had a nightmare and it might continue if I go back go sleep now even though the sleep inertia's really strong. 

In it, it was raining a lot. Outside was a little flooding. I was depressed about being bipolar. Kept making suicide jokes. Was suicidal. Gene took me to a room where she's manning a booth where they're gonna do The Feast. Eizu was there to help. Was still depressed and suicidal. Wanted to go home.

Was in a jeep. It was still raining. Two other girls were there. One girl was wearing a school uniform. There was lightning that struck somewhere, like a tree. The metal parts of the jeep were grounded. We tried not to hold them or lean on them. My right hand that was holding a rail got burned and it was smoking. I tried to tell the girl her hair was burning. We tried to get out the jeep while it was stopped because of the traffic. Tried to help the girl get out but her seatbelt was stuck. Jeep somehow tilted to the side. 

We went back to the jeep. A boy got in. It was scaring me. One of the girls said not to touch or be bad towards him cuz he's a bad entity. I was being mean to him cuz he was taking my stuff. I was looking at his face and it was scaring me and then I woke up with a clear image of his face. So I don't want to go back to sleep for now cuz nightmares suck.

Just a Nostalgic Dream

Last night I dreamed about my 5th grade English teacher, ma'am Algas. It made me feel like she made learning easier, that everything was easier back when I was in elementary. It gave me nostalgia. The dream was probably related to Jaden Animation's adhd video where she said about she was more organized as a kid and had it all together back then. It was a little relatable.

Just My Dream Last Night

I wanted to remember the part where my maternal grandmother saw someone's neck being cut off and then she fainted. 

Just Wanted to Tweet the First Paragraph and Thought, Why Not Here?

Going to sleep to escape depression and then dreaming about being depressed and wanting to @#-+ ʕ⁠ノ⁠•⁠ᴥ⁠•⁠ʔ⁠ノ⁠ ⁠︵⁠ ⁠┻⁠━⁠┻

I hate bipolar disorder.

Also, in the dream, I was feeling really down, and then I thought of this person, Pluto, and then he showed up in my dream. It was so unreal. And then I woke up. And that explained it. It was just a dream. 

My mood is in the lower side now. 

Yesterday, we hung out and watched Kiki's delivery service in German. Then went to Hans im Glück to eat. It was E's birthday. 

I always feel down in the middle of a gathering. It would be nice if it's like with other people where they feel recharged and their mood gets lifted when they hang out with other people.

Just Kept Postponing a Blogpost

Lmao I procrastinated writing here so much that it's almost the end of the month.

Well, to summarize the month:

1. Dota

2. Doctor visit. Got a refill for my meds. Not lupus. Not arthritis. Normal blood results. Not much done for my shin pain. I've been doing self stretches learned from YouTube. Got a psych appointment next Tuesday.

3. Went to one German class to try out. I don't know why I don't want to go when I need it. I guess I don't want to spend that much money. Too many people outside too.

4. I have 3 German learning materials.

5. Didn't edit any video for YouTube. Why do I keep playing dota?

6. Telling myself I'm uninstalling after 3000 hours. (I almost have 2960 now.)

7. Teeth pain. Period starting. Back pain. Anus pain. Idk 

That's it for this blog. Maybe I should write in German next time, for practice.

Just Blogging in Bed

This whole month I've been playing Sea of Stars and Dota 2. In the back of my mind I'm thinking that I really should make the Watching Frieren as a German Learner video. Starting is so very hard. I can't. 

I kept looking up for Fibromyalgia, Lupus, and Endometriosis. Maybe it's none of these, and my shins and legs just need a lot of rest. The difficulty in breathing sometimes? Maybe it's just anxiety. Ugh. Man.

This day and yesterday, we were looking for a psychiatrist since my meds are running out next week. I think we've waited this long because of the insurance update. 

Sometimes I dream that I'm still back in the Philippines. Sometimes I dream that I'm walking in for a check up easily, not needing any appointments, just needing to wait for hours. Sometimes, when I'm half asleep, I forget that the guy sleeping next to me is my husband lol that I get shy if I bothered him with cuddles. 

Just thought of writing because I haven't yet for this month. And I don't want this blog to die.

Just Writing This from His Computer

Not sure if I have written a blog on this computer before, but I'm using it as a title hehe

Well, it has been 10 days since I got married. Yup, I got married last Feb 29. I wished I talked to his female friend who sat beside me more. I don't know why I get bored when people start to talk to me lmao Like, I only half-listen. Maybe if I had drinks I could, but I am not allowed to. I had a shot at the end of the evening, though. Lol. First time in two years I think. The next day of the wedding, we hung out with catboy and his friend. I knew I had to call my family as soon as I got married because they would be wanting to know how it went. I only got to do that two days after the wedding.

These 10 days have been pretty chill. I think we mostly watched anime and played our own games. Him with his Witch Spring R and me with my Dota 2. Also, he got a new phone. I guess I could use his old one to play Pokemon Go with, when I have quests that needs more than one player.

Last night I was feeling depressed. We didn't get to watch Frieren on Friday because we were mostly playing. But yeah, I "frieren-cried". And after that I had this wave of depression coming on, which led me to cry in bed beside him. lol. Idk how to answer him when he asks me what the problem is, when it's completely random, and he doesn't believe me. 

It was my mom's birthday yesterday so I ordered from Sugar Sprout a few days prior. I think he found out who I was from the discord server XD

I guess that's all I can write for now. I don't want to write about other stuff.

Just Don't Know Why, Though

 I'm feeling sad and depressed.

Just Feeling Physical Pain

I am in fucking pain. My left hip. Earlier it was my the center hip where it connects the spine. Fucking help. Is this an autoimmune disease?

Just Not Forgetting to Update Here

Okay, so it's almost the end of the month and I have not made a post for February 2024. I just didn't think of this blog for a while, lol. But it's not going to be dead. I won't forget about it like all the other blogs I follow. Hehe. 

Anyway, next week, I'm going to get married. It's a civil wedding. The plan is to get married again in the Philippines during mass. 

Maybe I should first type about what has happened since I last posted here? I'll try to remember, lol.

Should I start from today up or from the top down? Idk. lol Maybe the latter.

I'm just going to base from pics on my album, convos on discord, and other stuff for the accuracy haha

Sun, Jan 28 - I guess I played pogo like I always do. And I guess we went to church at St. Stephan.

Mon, Jan 29 - Went to the City Registry. Their system didn't work so we had to go the next day. Went back home to leave our stuff then went to Marianne's Flammkuchen. My legs were getting tired on the way so he rented an electric scooter and I back rode.

Tue, Jan 30 - Went back to the City Registry. I am now officially living in Germany. Was playing PoGo in the meantime so I wanted to go to a gym. After that, I saw a gate and it was a cemetery. We walked around and the graves here are more aesthetic than those back home. We also went to an electronic store cuz he wanted to look at phones. I got bored and went to a corner where there were plushies and nerdy stuff.

Wed, Jan 31 - I guess I video-called with my mom since it has been a week since I got here. Told her about how I used my guy's facial cleanser and it irritated my face. Told my dad how I attended mass in German. Played PoGo.

Thu, Feb 1 - Was looking up doctors that are covered by my insurance. Was looking up facial products, too. Borrowed his scooter to play PoGo for a bit. I remember a kid was faster than me lmao Meanwhile, when he went to the bois', he said he fell from riding an electric scooter. Since he was eating carbonara with them, I was left alone at home. I thought I could manage without eating but I ate some ice cream from the fridge and cup noodles that are added with lettuce and tomato.

Fri, Feb 2 - Was sketching up how our wedding cake would look like while he was looking up restaurants. Probably stayed at home the whole day while watching anime or playing a game while it's his day off.

Sat, Feb 3 - Same thing as yesterday? Idk lmao

Sun, Feb 4 - Put make up. Dressed up pretty. Met his japanese teacher, his russian co-student, and best man (whom I already know, I just don't want to mention his name) at the cafe. Since it was Chansey community day, I wanted to leave early. Later on, we went to watch The Boy and the Heron. We thought it would be the original sound with English subtitles, but it was German-dubbed with no subtitles. But I didn't mind that much cuz they were speaking clearly and I know enough German already.

 

Okay, I need a breather from writing all that stuff. I'm not even halfway through. It's Feb 22 ffs. I don't think I can finish it haha Maybe I'll write below some "important" highlights that I can't write in the format above. 

- I made choc on Feb 13th for Valentines day. On the 14th I asked him to "check the fridge" cuz I forgot to close it or sth but he was so stupid lmao said it was probably fine and then I told him he really should check it before he showers and he did and I took a video of it too.

- Feb 14 was also Ash Wednesday. I didn't want to go last minute but he came home and we went to church. The mass was in Italian. We both couldn't understand Italian.

- Was ordering from the doner restaurant for a couple days. Told him I might be a regular there now. He said please don't cuz it was expensive.

- Gave him the idea to buy groceries like we did back home unlike him who buys just ingredients on the day he cooks.

- I now cook breakfast for myself and maybe dinner too if no one's being lazy and not ordering from the Chinese restaurant.

- He failed to make mochi twice. I made mochi today and it was better than his attempts.

- I think I still played Dota 12v12 in the previous days so *that* and PoGo are the highlights of most of my days, I guess.

- Okay, maybe something about my pain. I can't walk with flat shoes, or bare feet, for a long time because my heels would hurt. It's not only my shin that would hurt anymore but also my hip and ankles and knees. When I'm ovulating or anytime my hormones become unstable the upper left and upper right sides of my abdomen hurt.

- I'm not sure how long I've been writing this post but just as I was writing this line, my laptop timer stretch reminder thingy just popped up, which means it has been an hour since I turned on the laptop.

- He's playing lethal company with his bros since earlier, after we finished two episodes of One Punch Man. Oh yeah, we finished Dororo, too. 

I guess this is all I can write now. Not bad for not writing anything for almost a month, right? Haha

I just remembered how we dropped off my wedding dress last Monday for cleaning and we're going to pick it up tomorrow. He's also having a haircut tomorrow. Hehe.

Alright, adios.

Just Thought of Writing a Post

Hey, I'm in Germany for 5 days now. Did a lot of heh on the first day. Silly dude wrote a post it note counting the times. I think it's being forgotten now.

Man, these symptoms. The something in my chest when I'm having my period. The unexplainable but not excruciating type of pain and fatigue that makes me stare into space at the grocery store. Like, they just suddenly hit me, and I'm trying to just ignore it. I'm probably not supposed to. One of the scaly patches on my arms (this one on my left arm) looks dark. Idk, fam.

Today, we went to a tasting for the filling of our cake. Lanie's is a Filipina. 

Earlier today, I went on a shadow ho-oh raid. Met one player. Couldn't catch the first one, tried to go to a second one. It was nice that the two gyms were near each other.

Kinda tired to type now. Good night.

Edit: this morning i tried to tie it myself. Lol.

feb 22 edit: before i forget what i meant on the line above, i meant the shibari ropes. lol.

Just 2024

Alright, I set the blog back to public now. Hopefully, those bots increasing my views won't come back (it probably will, lol). 

It's only going to be 14 weeks now 🥹 I'll be leaving this country for good. There will be less inconveniences to be experienced. I mean, there will be at the beginning because of the bureaucracy, but still, it's better than living somewhere where the environment, leaders, economy, etc. make you live in hard mode. 

The first week of the year was alright. I mostly played 12v12 dota. I couldn't go back to jogging since my left shin still hurts. Sometimes it connects to my knee. My left elbow also hurts. My right elbow sometimes hurts. Both connect to the ring and pinky finger, and the side of the hand. 

Right now, I caught my bro and sis' cold. Day two of only drinking black tea to relieve it. I boiled some water yesterday for my shower. It was so 🤌🏽 Didn't go to church cuz I don't want to spread the germs. Dad reprimanded me when he got home, not knowing the reason why I didn't go 🙄

I added a widget to my homescreen with a checklist that says:

• FINISH ANIMATION 

• NO MORE RICE

• NO MORE DOTA

But I still ended up playing dota, eating rice, and not touching the animation I did last November. I really should, though. So I would have something to upload this month.

M, J and I wanted to meet up for dinner last Friday. But M was feeling sick while still having to go to work. Then she was absent from work the next day, and postponed the dinner next week. I should tell them to make it on Friday since I have a thing with S on Saturday. Bead shopping.

I messaged B about meeting up one last time, too. But she said we couldn't make it since she leaves to mnl on the 12th. I just messaged her now if it's ok to go that café near the airport.

I want to try on the wedding dress with the hair and make up to show it to my family. 

I should go to the psych before leaving.

I should pack up soon.

I hope I don't forget anything before I go.

Just the Second Post for This Month

Thinking after this blogpost, I'll set the link of this blog public again. The bot visits were just giving me anxiety before. 

Last week, I went to my psychiatrist. Told her about my doc visits. Told her about my problems during sleeping, where I jerk when I'm about to, and I would be afraid to actually fall asleep, thinking I would die? I just know I would get afraid. She prescribed me clonazepam. And all the complaints from the previous doc visits went away. Didn't know all of those symptoms were panic disorder induced. The rheumatologist mentioned that those stuff maybe were just mental stuff. Ugh, I can't reedit this paragraph into a chronologic order anymore because I'm too lazy. 

Been playing a lot of Dota 12v12. Been losing more than winning. It's too stressful of a game. Why do I keep playing it?

Yesterday, my bro wanted to accompany him to the mall because he wanted to buy shorts. There were a lot of people. We went grocery shopping for samgyupsal for noche buena. The queues were long. I was jokingly asking him to give me Sea of Stars on Steam and he blackmailed me to come with him to the mall. lol

Right now, I'm quite tired. Went to church, walked all the way home, helped my sister carry the dried fish she got from her Boracay trip. I prepped the stuff for the samgyup. Then, bro and sis lied down. Dad went to church. So I guess we're waiting for him to come home. He's probably disappointed again that we're not going to church too. 

My mood hasn't been on the upper spectrum for the past weeks. I was having pms symptoms, and then it was 12 days late. It's over now. I'm supposed to feel better after having my period. But no, I guess. 

Yesterday, from the grocery shopping, we were also buying ingredients for lasagna. All the time, I was thinking of "Jolly Lasagna", a play from Jolly Spaghetti from Jollibee and BB's name. So last night, I dreamt of him. Talking something about yuta. Something positive about what he is to me. He cried a bit and I think he was saying he couldn't forget about me while he's still with his gf now. And I was like, get rid of those sticky notes I gave you. I don't remember other stuff about the dream anymore.

I want to play dota now. I don't want to play dota. You get me? It's too stressful. I don't want to. But it's an itch. help. I guess I'm gonna search how to cope with gaming addiction. Or maybe just dota addiction.

I miss my fiancé. Only 29 days left till I fly to Germany. I have to chat the 3 little kids group chat about it soon so we could meet up one last time before I go. Maybe I should chat Beans too. I'm already out of money this month tho, because of the laboratory tests and doc visits. Maybe from Shopee too.

My sister borrowed my laptop so she could work while in Boracay. She let me borrow her PC. I played dota on her pc. She's home now, right, and I found out that she closed my 3 google translate tabs. I forgot to tell her not to. Lol. It's fine tho. I wasn't even reviewing them as I should.

I'm immersing in German music now. Currently playing and done playing is Nice wie du bist. Now it's Aus der Liebe zu Dir. Let's find out if I'm gonna skip it. Anyway, my mind keeps coming back to my depression. I want to just not think about stuff cuz I get depressed about it. Psychologically speaking, you should not ignore your emotions, but I already know what's causing it. Ugh. I think I'll just keep on redirecting my thoughts until I'm not depressed anymore. Maybe play a game. That's a good distraction. I gotta end the blogpost  now. Merry Christmas.

Just Events

Yesterday, my brother locked the gate from the inside. So when my parents and I got home from church, we couldn't get in. We tried knocking. He's probably fast asleep. Even my sister isn't opening up. Called them, no answer. My solution was, I climbed up the gate, to the parts without the spikes. I was thinking how to get down once I got up. I thought I could hang from one of the spikes and jump down. It broke before I was ready. I still landed on my feet. But I gashed my arm and I have a wound on my right foot. My right sock also has a hole.

Today, I wanted to visit the CFO office. I received the visa last Thursday. I'M SO HAPPY. THEY ONLY PROCESSED IT ONE DAY AFTER I SENT THE DOCUMENTS??? I AM SO GRATEFUL TO YOU, OH LORD. YOU HAVE HEARD MY PRAYERS. THANK YOU SO MUCH.

Anyway, I went to the satellite office that Google said it was. Then the guard said they weren't there anymore, and that they moved to a farther place. I'm like, ok. But before I went there, I wanted to get blood tests, from the previous doctors. The uric acid and the ANA one. So I went to the hospital where my mom took me when I was a kid. They directed me to the emergency room. I'm like, I only wanted to get blood tests, why am I having a doctor's consultation, lol. So yeah. I got another prescription, lol. And got a lab request. They didn't have the ANA. Dangit. Well, I still got a CBC and UA done. They said to get the result at 4:30. It was still around 2. So I still had time to go to the CFO after all.

When I got there, it was deserted. Guards said they're closed for the day because of the recent earthquakes :') yeah, there were earthquakes. It was a strong one. My torchic fell from the unstable floating shelf. There was a tsunami warning in Surigao, too. Anyway, CFO was closed. I decided to go to DDH to get the ANA test. I should've gone here from the start. But then again, idk if they would've allowed me without a doctor's request. She said result will be out on Wednesday afternoon or Monday morning. I went to Keepsakes café. Ordered tuna salad and Martha vanilla flakes parfait. It was "bidli" on the last few bites. But I managed to finish it all. Went back to the hospital after. Uric acid was higher than the range. The eosinophils was high and the lymphocytes were low. Doc only mentioned the UA tho. I need to avoid liver, chicken, innards, etc. Hematology results didn't indicate any signs of infection. Just have to wait for the ANA now.

Just Hardships and Challenges

Last night, I noticed Masa unfriended me on Facebook and Discord. Couldn't blame him. It felt like insulting him with my happy posts, especially the story with my fiancé. If it helps him heal, then I'm fine with it. We haven't even talked for a long time. And that was enough reason for me to unfriend a lot of people before. I also noticed that Carb left the Comrades server. So much for waiting for a day before my wedding to announce that I'm getting married in the server. I left the Night Owls server. Carb, Masa and Nef left, so there's no more content to lurk. I'm staying in the Comrades just in case I want to send carb a friend request.

We buried Clyde today. I think she died last Thursday. She has two kitties left orphaned. I tried to give them milk and make them poop and pee. Clyde was still pregnant with the other kitties. There was a foot of one sticking out of her. 

Right now, I put the orange cat with them in the cage. Leaving them overnight, hoping she would bond with them. I don't want to deal with them anymore. Forgive me, Lord.

Just Zoomy

I got Zoomy vaccinated today. He's 7 months old. Hopefully I can get him castrated soon.

Just a Few Stuff to Say

Frieren is the anime to watch this season. Every week I'm crying because of it. Last night, there were a lot of tears shed while I was in bed. 

I am trying to make a music video. I showed it to him last night. He said I sang too quietly. That made me feel bad, somehow. I thought I could take criticism but it's a fucking reflex. I can't control how I feel like how I used to. I want to apply the logic and know that he's correct. I guess the thought that I've already made quite an effort to edit in the snapping effect. The effort of recording the makeshift maracas too. I wish I had a better singing voice. I don't have a good mic either.

In the earlier weeks, catboy reached out, feeling lonely. I had to hang out with him. Playing was nice. I don't want to criticize much about he calls and then just makes me listen to him talking with his mom, driving his car, doing other stuff. Maybe it's a gen-Z thing. 

Two days from now, I'm flying to Manila again. I'm going to submit the documents for the marriage visa. I will hang out with Manila girl on Wednesday and Thursday. It's great timing because they're also her days off. I should prepare my stuff soon. Not sure if I want to bring my laptop with me. I wouldn't use it much since I'm hanging out outside, right? And I don't want to keep taking it out my bag for the x-ray machines.

I was playing OwO bot just now. I rerolled 119 times and I wanted to confirm it and this bullshit message said I cannot use the button anymore. wtf. My 11k+ weaponshards down the drain. lol

The pet carrier arrived yesterday. I should have them vaccinated and neutered soon. I don't want to wait for the next time they're in heat again.

Just Wrote This This Morning

From years of scrolling through the internet in search on how to ease depression, one thing that a lot of them say is that at the end of the day, you should write or think about 3 things you are grateful for. I've been trying to practice that, but sometimes it's not enough. What's there to be grateful for when there are too many things to complain about, right? A lot of those things are stuff that we have no control over. But sometimes, I guess being grateful can make sense. It shifts and redirects your thoughts to be more positive. It's easy to be anti-recovery and shut down neurotypical advises that may seem to be seen as toxic postivity. I guess they can be, for many times. Depression just clouds your mind like that. It makes you resistant towards things that would aid you in overcoming it. Like it seems to latch on to you, not wanting you to let it go. 

Being grateful despite of the bad things happening doesn't mean that you are ignoring them. If we fail to see the tiniest glimmers of hope, it is us who would endanger ourselves from the consuming thoughts. It is when you notice yourself that you are ruminating that you should stop yourself and distract yourself from the negativity. 

Just New Lyrics

I'm unemployed

Have been so for 3 years

Have no idea what im gonna do

Have no degree

Just want some easy money

Why d'we have to work for everything

I'm really shy

I want to work alone

People are just too hard to-o deal with

And so it shows 

Left with no other choice

I guess i have to make an only fans

Just a IDK

Ran out of title ideas lol

Last week, I went to Manila. I arrived on Saturday, October 14. The grab driver was from GenSan and couldn't get around well. I had to help him because the GPS was wonky. Went to eat at Gino's Pizza. Ok let's not talk about food now. It's currently 1:29 am. Video called with my fiancé and sister to help her with her interview on Tuesday that week. 

On Sunday, I met up with Hanna and Kristian. We ate at the Weekend Market (?). I had the salmon lasagna while they had burgers. We went to Greenbelt. Went to a café. I played some pokemon go. Had Kristian come back to play it, too. 

On Monday, I had the second take of the A1 exam. Why? Cuz the government only allows the certificate no older than one year. And I took it on October 13 last year. 

Couple mistakes I know I made:

1. Wrote "geheiratet" instead of verheiratet.

2. Said "öffne bitte das fenster aus"

3. Said "haben deine Wohnung Möbel"

I should get points for speaking German to the proctors before the exam even started.

Had dinner at the Jap resto with Hanna and Kristian. I was full from lunch and snacks so I was fine with ordering a small dish. It was smaller than my hand, lol. I don't think they liked going there. Went to another café after. Then to their apartment. Met Tom.

Something about Tom made me feel, sad, or melancholic, or idk. The way she had saliva on her cheeks because her mouth has this injury. Like, I'm not sure if she was a sad cat. Like she needed pats. And I was there to give it to her.

The next day, I flew home. Couldn't win any timburr showcase.

On Wednesday, water was out. Went out for the raid hour without a shower.

Thursday, I don't remember much. I probably took a nap after feeling suicidal.

Friday, watched anime with Yuta. Same with Saturday and Sunday. Went to church on Sunday :D there was a deacon with Fr. Tabiliran. I really prefer English mass. The choir is still and always so powerful. I also liked the deacon presiding the gospel and homily.

Today, I continued playing Melatonin. Got a few achievements. Then I continued editing the part 2 of the German speaking vid. I hope it turns out fine. I hope I can make a living out of this and that I could stop feeling so hopeless.