Just an Update from Yesterday's Plans

Welp, the only thing I was able to do from my plans on my previous post was bake. I ate a lot and didn't make any progress with the Monster task. I did Nicos Weg but that was a necessity and part of my every day routine. :)

Just Want to Talk to Myself, I Guess

I just sometimes need someone to chat with to fall asleep. My fiancé is busy a lot. And even if we did chat, I can't find anything to chat about. 

My day hasn't been productive. I woke up at 10 am. That was only because my brother texted there's an Oppenheimer show time at 11 am. Got up to shower but water wasn't running. We didn't go out in the end. We did yesterday, though, but the line at the tickets was too long and we wouldn't be able to make it to the show time. We are at Bigby's instead. I ate too much. Been eating too much for the past 6 days. Probably going to weigh heavier on Saturday. I want to eat less tomorrow so at least there wouldn't be too much weight added.

Back to my day today. I got invited to a few raids but could only afford one raid pass. I biked around. I wanted to practice biking uphill with the seat higher but there were boys at the top "teasing" me lmao I think that was the most productive thing today, apart from doing the Nicos Weg course. Chatted with my best friend at noon, too.

I was trying to work on doing a cover of Monster these past days. My streak on touching that ended today. Didn't get my guitar, didn't continue with the drawing. 

Voice chatted with my fiancé when he was on his way to work. He bought bread. The attendant noticed he was early. When he was at his building, he tried to help a woman, telling her the entrance was at the other side of the building. I understood what he said in German, too. The woman couldn't understand and could only speak Russian -Ukranian. They used Google translator. He concluded that maybe she was just looking at the building.

How am I feeling right now? I'm sometimes thinking of what I can do for a living. Doing that just makes me feel dread. I'm sometimes thinking of the present, how it's different from being in school. Being an adult is so different. Being the one mostly in charge of your life, being the one who makes the decisions. If you become a parent, you get to be responsible for your kid. Sometimes derealization kicks in. It's kicking in a little bit now. Trying to ground through writing all this. Fuck. Ok.

I should sleep. I think it was coffee that made me productive and motivated with the Monster cover a few days ago. I shouldn't drink it, but boy do I like being able to do stuff. Trying not to think of inducing hypomania right now. It's a really bad idea. If only you can only get the euphoria and productivity. Only the good stuff. And if only they don't go away. Why do we have to suffer? Lmao alright enough now.

I guess I'll end with a plan for tomorrow (my plans don't usually go through lmao) instead of grateful things today.

1. Eat less. No rice or sweets!

2. Work on the Monster cover.

3. Laundry (?)

4. Bake (?)

5. Nicos Weg 

Let's not plan too much now. There's only a few hours when you have a burst of motivation during the day. Good night.

Just Can't Talk to My Guy as Much as I'd Like To

Here I am again, in need of someone to talk to to be able to sleep, but have no one. They're busy. I don't know. Today, I applied for jobs, at VA agencies. Two of them. I don't want to work. I want money. I got up early, did Duolingo early, showered, and got dressed up. Even broke my fast early. However, after eating, I didn't want to go out anymore. The thought of taking calls discouraged me. I thought I would be able to do it. I probably can. There's just something in an act that makes you want to back out the last second. Even now, after I've sent my application to these two companies, I don't want to go through it.

Anyway, one of them wanted a cover letter. I couldn't be bothered anymore and gave in to using ChatGPT. I edited a little bit so it wouldn't use so much flowery words that I wouldn't even come up with myself.

I ate rice today. Ate a LOT. Binignit, too. I'm pretty sure my weight would be heavier compared to last week. I've been doing so well this week, though.  It's just that, the previous day has more influence on the weigh in. Ate at 11 pm too. Fck. 

I took a mirror selfie. I've took a similar one before. I've been more daring in revealing more skin. I wouldn't go nude, however. I hope my future self keeps it that way. I've been breaking a lot of images my younger self wouldn't have let me do.

5 things to be grateful of again? Okay, sure.

1. Was able to apply despite not being able to go outside.

2. Started the pokestop streak as the same as my catch streak.

3. Didn't completely forget to feed cats.

4. Had the will to wash the dishes.

5. I think I can be grateful with how my body looks now. I still want to lose more fat, but I look pretty decent as I am right now, I guess.

Just Can't Immediately Fall Asleep

I got bored and started using Google assistant. I was told to take a few minutes of my time to write 5 things I am grateful for.

1. Achieved 100% achievements in Terraria.

2. Was able to finish two episodes of Nicos Weg even though the internet was very slow earlier.

3. I have maybe made up my mind to apply for the job tomorrow.

4. Was able to do laundry and didn't forget to get the hung clothes from outside.

5. Was able to at least do yoga even though I couldn't go out for a walk or a jog.

Just Adding the Title After Writing Everything

Okay, so all the depression from the rant last week was because of the menstrual flow I got the next day. :) It ended yesterday and I'm still feeling it earlier while updating my resume. I have this urge to apply at BPO companies but I don't really want to. Who wants labor in their life, anyway? Ugh. Now I'm remembering the stuff I wrote about ikigai on the other blog post. Idk how to do it :') I want to earn money and spend freely as I want to. I can't believe I've become like this. I don't want to be an adult who rants about monetary problems. I don't even have that much monetary problems becomes everything is provided for me :')

Alright, time to write about what I'm grateful for now so I don't spiral further. Cognitive behavioral therapy, I guess.

1. I haven't skipped my skin care even though there have been a lot of days I wanted to skip. Good job, me.

2. I am almost to 5,000 German words in my vocabulary. I am keeping up with my 2 courses a day on B1 Nicos Weg streak. Same with Duolingo and Memrise.

3. I'm close to perfecting my hairstyle for my wedding. 

4. I haven't skipped my meds.

5. I was able to do yoga today and was able to hold the left side crow pose a little decently than before haha

Just Journaling

Hello, hello.

Last week, I "interned" for my brother. I did a part of his work for him. It was okay. He paid me for it. Yesterday, I did a small part of his task, too. After that, he had another task which was to create a landing page. I attempted to but it was taking me time, so I asked him to do it while I watch. He wasn't in the zone for it so he just told me to watch the video tutorials he has in the laptop.

Earlier, after watching a few of his tutorial videos, I felt depressed. I told him I'm "resigning". He then fell into a bad mood saying that I just gave him extra work (this was after I returned his laptop after coming back home from my walk which I will now reiterate in the next sentences). Whatever. I laid in bed for a while. I wanted to stay in bed. I got up and played Pokemon Go and walked. I did yoga after.

Now, I'm thinking of enrolling for a B1 German course to spend my time for the next 2 months. This getting married thing takes SO MUCH TIME. SOMEONE SHOULD WRITE THE PROPER EXPECTATIONS ON ONE SITE AS A SUMMARY. I could have been more productive in the last few months, this whole year, if we knew we weren't getting married just yet. Maybe I'll do a summary for it one of these days. 

I should stop ranting and redirect this whole post into something I'm grateful for. Let's see... I'm glad I was able to buy make up and was able to practice for a bit. It looks like I could do it after all. I just need to practice more on my hair. I couldn't decide yet on how I should style it. My fiancé insists on getting it styled by a professional. I want it to do it myself so I can save. 

I'm happy I for my dress and shoes. I'm happy that I was able to buy a lot of stuff last month. I bought a bra and I'm happy that I know which size to buy next time (I bought a test bra to see which one fits. Lol)

I'm happy that I have a sweet and loving fiancé. He loves me so much and I love him so much despite the distance between us. I'm happy that we've lasted this long. I love his patience and understanding. I'm thankful he has a stable job because I can't do it for now XD I'm glad that he's there when I'm in despair. I'm grateful he stays with me even when he could have chosen someone else, someone better. I love him so much. I want to write more. There's more to write for another day. It will never run out given how there is so much love between us. Soon™, we will be together in each other's presence again. I love you, mein Schatz.