Just the Second Post for This Month

Thinking after this blogpost, I'll set the link of this blog public again. The bot visits were just giving me anxiety before. 

Last week, I went to my psychiatrist. Told her about my doc visits. Told her about my problems during sleeping, where I jerk when I'm about to, and I would be afraid to actually fall asleep, thinking I would die? I just know I would get afraid. She prescribed me clonazepam. And all the complaints from the previous doc visits went away. Didn't know all of those symptoms were panic disorder induced. The rheumatologist mentioned that those stuff maybe were just mental stuff. Ugh, I can't reedit this paragraph into a chronologic order anymore because I'm too lazy. 

Been playing a lot of Dota 12v12. Been losing more than winning. It's too stressful of a game. Why do I keep playing it?

Yesterday, my bro wanted to accompany him to the mall because he wanted to buy shorts. There were a lot of people. We went grocery shopping for samgyupsal for noche buena. The queues were long. I was jokingly asking him to give me Sea of Stars on Steam and he blackmailed me to come with him to the mall. lol

Right now, I'm quite tired. Went to church, walked all the way home, helped my sister carry the dried fish she got from her Boracay trip. I prepped the stuff for the samgyup. Then, bro and sis lied down. Dad went to church. So I guess we're waiting for him to come home. He's probably disappointed again that we're not going to church too. 

My mood hasn't been on the upper spectrum for the past weeks. I was having pms symptoms, and then it was 12 days late. It's over now. I'm supposed to feel better after having my period. But no, I guess. 

Yesterday, from the grocery shopping, we were also buying ingredients for lasagna. All the time, I was thinking of "Jolly Lasagna", a play from Jolly Spaghetti from Jollibee and BB's name. So last night, I dreamt of him. Talking something about yuta. Something positive about what he is to me. He cried a bit and I think he was saying he couldn't forget about me while he's still with his gf now. And I was like, get rid of those sticky notes I gave you. I don't remember other stuff about the dream anymore.

I want to play dota now. I don't want to play dota. You get me? It's too stressful. I don't want to. But it's an itch. help. I guess I'm gonna search how to cope with gaming addiction. Or maybe just dota addiction.

I miss my fiancé. Only 29 days left till I fly to Germany. I have to chat the 3 little kids group chat about it soon so we could meet up one last time before I go. Maybe I should chat Beans too. I'm already out of money this month tho, because of the laboratory tests and doc visits. Maybe from Shopee too.

My sister borrowed my laptop so she could work while in Boracay. She let me borrow her PC. I played dota on her pc. She's home now, right, and I found out that she closed my 3 google translate tabs. I forgot to tell her not to. Lol. It's fine tho. I wasn't even reviewing them as I should.

I'm immersing in German music now. Currently playing and done playing is Nice wie du bist. Now it's Aus der Liebe zu Dir. Let's find out if I'm gonna skip it. Anyway, my mind keeps coming back to my depression. I want to just not think about stuff cuz I get depressed about it. Psychologically speaking, you should not ignore your emotions, but I already know what's causing it. Ugh. I think I'll just keep on redirecting my thoughts until I'm not depressed anymore. Maybe play a game. That's a good distraction. I gotta end the blogpost  now. Merry Christmas.

Just Events

Yesterday, my brother locked the gate from the inside. So when my parents and I got home from church, we couldn't get in. We tried knocking. He's probably fast asleep. Even my sister isn't opening up. Called them, no answer. My solution was, I climbed up the gate, to the parts without the spikes. I was thinking how to get down once I got up. I thought I could hang from one of the spikes and jump down. It broke before I was ready. I still landed on my feet. But I gashed my arm and I have a wound on my right foot. My right sock also has a hole.

Today, I wanted to visit the CFO office. I received the visa last Thursday. I'M SO HAPPY. THEY ONLY PROCESSED IT ONE DAY AFTER I SENT THE DOCUMENTS??? I AM SO GRATEFUL TO YOU, OH LORD. YOU HAVE HEARD MY PRAYERS. THANK YOU SO MUCH.

Anyway, I went to the satellite office that Google said it was. Then the guard said they weren't there anymore, and that they moved to a farther place. I'm like, ok. But before I went there, I wanted to get blood tests, from the previous doctors. The uric acid and the ANA one. So I went to the hospital where my mom took me when I was a kid. They directed me to the emergency room. I'm like, I only wanted to get blood tests, why am I having a doctor's consultation, lol. So yeah. I got another prescription, lol. And got a lab request. They didn't have the ANA. Dangit. Well, I still got a CBC and UA done. They said to get the result at 4:30. It was still around 2. So I still had time to go to the CFO after all.

When I got there, it was deserted. Guards said they're closed for the day because of the recent earthquakes :') yeah, there were earthquakes. It was a strong one. My torchic fell from the unstable floating shelf. There was a tsunami warning in Surigao, too. Anyway, CFO was closed. I decided to go to DDH to get the ANA test. I should've gone here from the start. But then again, idk if they would've allowed me without a doctor's request. She said result will be out on Wednesday afternoon or Monday morning. I went to Keepsakes café. Ordered tuna salad and Martha vanilla flakes parfait. It was "bidli" on the last few bites. But I managed to finish it all. Went back to the hospital after. Uric acid was higher than the range. The eosinophils was high and the lymphocytes were low. Doc only mentioned the UA tho. I need to avoid liver, chicken, innards, etc. Hematology results didn't indicate any signs of infection. Just have to wait for the ANA now.

Just Hardships and Challenges

Last night, I noticed Masa unfriended me on Facebook and Discord. Couldn't blame him. It felt like insulting him with my happy posts, especially the story with my fiancé. If it helps him heal, then I'm fine with it. We haven't even talked for a long time. And that was enough reason for me to unfriend a lot of people before. I also noticed that Carb left the Comrades server. So much for waiting for a day before my wedding to announce that I'm getting married in the server. I left the Night Owls server. Carb, Masa and Nef left, so there's no more content to lurk. I'm staying in the Comrades just in case I want to send carb a friend request.

We buried Clyde today. I think she died last Thursday. She has two kitties left orphaned. I tried to give them milk and make them poop and pee. Clyde was still pregnant with the other kitties. There was a foot of one sticking out of her. 

Right now, I put the orange cat with them in the cage. Leaving them overnight, hoping she would bond with them. I don't want to deal with them anymore. Forgive me, Lord.

Just Zoomy

I got Zoomy vaccinated today. He's 7 months old. Hopefully I can get him castrated soon.

Just a Few Stuff to Say

Frieren is the anime to watch this season. Every week I'm crying because of it. Last night, there were a lot of tears shed while I was in bed. 

I am trying to make a music video. I showed it to him last night. He said I sang too quietly. That made me feel bad, somehow. I thought I could take criticism but it's a fucking reflex. I can't control how I feel like how I used to. I want to apply the logic and know that he's correct. I guess the thought that I've already made quite an effort to edit in the snapping effect. The effort of recording the makeshift maracas too. I wish I had a better singing voice. I don't have a good mic either.

In the earlier weeks, catboy reached out, feeling lonely. I had to hang out with him. Playing was nice. I don't want to criticize much about he calls and then just makes me listen to him talking with his mom, driving his car, doing other stuff. Maybe it's a gen-Z thing. 

Two days from now, I'm flying to Manila again. I'm going to submit the documents for the marriage visa. I will hang out with Manila girl on Wednesday and Thursday. It's great timing because they're also her days off. I should prepare my stuff soon. Not sure if I want to bring my laptop with me. I wouldn't use it much since I'm hanging out outside, right? And I don't want to keep taking it out my bag for the x-ray machines.

I was playing OwO bot just now. I rerolled 119 times and I wanted to confirm it and this bullshit message said I cannot use the button anymore. wtf. My 11k+ weaponshards down the drain. lol

The pet carrier arrived yesterday. I should have them vaccinated and neutered soon. I don't want to wait for the next time they're in heat again.

Just Wrote This This Morning

From years of scrolling through the internet in search on how to ease depression, one thing that a lot of them say is that at the end of the day, you should write or think about 3 things you are grateful for. I've been trying to practice that, but sometimes it's not enough. What's there to be grateful for when there are too many things to complain about, right? A lot of those things are stuff that we have no control over. But sometimes, I guess being grateful can make sense. It shifts and redirects your thoughts to be more positive. It's easy to be anti-recovery and shut down neurotypical advises that may seem to be seen as toxic postivity. I guess they can be, for many times. Depression just clouds your mind like that. It makes you resistant towards things that would aid you in overcoming it. Like it seems to latch on to you, not wanting you to let it go. 

Being grateful despite of the bad things happening doesn't mean that you are ignoring them. If we fail to see the tiniest glimmers of hope, it is us who would endanger ourselves from the consuming thoughts. It is when you notice yourself that you are ruminating that you should stop yourself and distract yourself from the negativity. 

Just New Lyrics

I'm unemployed

Have been so for 3 years

Have no idea what im gonna do

Have no degree

Just want some easy money

Why d'we have to work for everything

I'm really shy

I want to work alone

People are just too hard to-o deal with

And so it shows 

Left with no other choice

I guess i have to make an only fans

Just a IDK

Ran out of title ideas lol

Last week, I went to Manila. I arrived on Saturday, October 14. The grab driver was from GenSan and couldn't get around well. I had to help him because the GPS was wonky. Went to eat at Gino's Pizza. Ok let's not talk about food now. It's currently 1:29 am. Video called with my fiancé and sister to help her with her interview on Tuesday that week. 

On Sunday, I met up with Hanna and Kristian. We ate at the Weekend Market (?). I had the salmon lasagna while they had burgers. We went to Greenbelt. Went to a café. I played some pokemon go. Had Kristian come back to play it, too. 

On Monday, I had the second take of the A1 exam. Why? Cuz the government only allows the certificate no older than one year. And I took it on October 13 last year. 

Couple mistakes I know I made:

1. Wrote "geheiratet" instead of verheiratet.

2. Said "öffne bitte das fenster aus"

3. Said "haben deine Wohnung Möbel"

I should get points for speaking German to the proctors before the exam even started.

Had dinner at the Jap resto with Hanna and Kristian. I was full from lunch and snacks so I was fine with ordering a small dish. It was smaller than my hand, lol. I don't think they liked going there. Went to another café after. Then to their apartment. Met Tom.

Something about Tom made me feel, sad, or melancholic, or idk. The way she had saliva on her cheeks because her mouth has this injury. Like, I'm not sure if she was a sad cat. Like she needed pats. And I was there to give it to her.

The next day, I flew home. Couldn't win any timburr showcase.

On Wednesday, water was out. Went out for the raid hour without a shower.

Thursday, I don't remember much. I probably took a nap after feeling suicidal.

Friday, watched anime with Yuta. Same with Saturday and Sunday. Went to church on Sunday :D there was a deacon with Fr. Tabiliran. I really prefer English mass. The choir is still and always so powerful. I also liked the deacon presiding the gospel and homily.

Today, I continued playing Melatonin. Got a few achievements. Then I continued editing the part 2 of the German speaking vid. I hope it turns out fine. I hope I can make a living out of this and that I could stop feeling so hopeless.

Just a Birthday.

It was my birthday up until 17 minutes ago.

Just Noting Down Symptoms Just in Case and for Documentation

Got my period last Wednesday. Yesterday, while I was lying on the couch, talking with Jack, I felt a pinching pain while my heart beat. Today. I've been having small chest pains. A little bit to the left side. Not sure if it's part of my period. I think I also started taking 100mg with my Lamotrigine last Wednesday? I'm not sure if the not so painful pain in the other parts of my body is worth noting. Anyway, I keep thinking that I don't want to get checked if I'm sick anymore. It would be good if I just died. No more thinking. No more tiredness. No more doing things just because.

(Also, he said that it might be two months before he gets an appointment for the obligation thingy. He's feeling down about it. Me, not so much. This trust in God is making me carefree.)

Just Trying to Be a Good Catholic

My hormones are peaking and I'm going to get my period soon. I've been aroused most of the day. I went to confession last Friday and when I was doing my penance I teared up a little bit because I felt relieved from the burden of guilt, and I was glad that God guided me and listened to my prayer. He has always been there when I'm not feeling too well with my faith. I went to the doc that day, too, and I wasn't sure if I would still even have the time to go confess, but the secretary told me to come to the doc's office earlier than I planned, and I was able to cross out all of the things I planned to do on that day, on my to do list. Anyway, I'm back to abstinence. I've done it up until I was 22 years old. I can do it again, especially with my faith in Him. 

Last Sunday, I woke up to Seiya's message about their break up and how I was a part of it. I believe he was just finding somewhere to take it out on. I want him to really reflect and open his eyes more. One shouldn't rely on one person for their happiness. One shouldn't really base their happiness on one relationship. He still has a whole life ahead of him. It's not the end of the world. Yuta met me when he was 27. I met him when I was 22. Anyway, I was having anxiety after that. I still have a little bit now. It's probably just exacerbated with my menstrual cycle that's coming soon. Maybe that's also why I'm feeling the arousal. Stress can cause arousal, and I'm not liking it, fam. I just try to breathe deeply. Breathing deeply is relaxing. I've got yoga to thank for helping me appreciate breathing more. 

Last week, I uploaded a video about me and Yuta speaking German. It got 3000 views! :D I didn't really expect that. I'm on the process of making a part 2, but I'm not sure how that would fare. Is fare the right word? Idk. It really put me in a really good mood. It's making me think that I've got a shot at making it. Who knows? Maybe God will guide me :3

Just Drew Too Much Snow

It doesn't look good so I'm posting it here instead of Facebook.

Just How Do They Do It

I don't know how people can keep talking for a long time even when they haven't heard a response from the person they're talking to. I'm talking about my mom for this instance. She just talks even when I'm not saying a word. But it's not just her. Other extroverted people. They just keep on talking, and I don't even see a chance to interject. Lol

Just Noting This Down for Future Reference

I set the blog to custom readers earlier to lessen the amount of bots in my stats.

Just Like How Tf

Before I wrote the previous post, I noticed there were some numbers by my posts. I then tried to look at the stats. I'm like how tf.

If you're not a bot or a scraping person or a virus or malware or a privacy issue, leave a comment lmao I am going to overthinking this.

Just Woke Up and Wrote Down This Dream

I was dreaming I took a white Chinese garter from a chair which was also caught up on the head of Leah, which made her cry. Hard. I tried to comfort her. "Do you want a hug?" I couldn't understand if her reply was a yes or no so I hugged her but she got upset so it was a no. I wanted to let her know that I know how it feels since I have bipolar disorder. She has a depressive persistence disorder. I forgot the actual term. I just woke up rn lmao. Anyway, she wouldn't want me to comfort her so I went upstairs into an attic or something. There was Bama there just hanging and I said I just wanted to take a nap there. So I pretended I was napping. I could feel that he was drawing me while I closed my eyes. There were people passing by the window. I may have forgotten details about the dream already but somehow the dream changed to me babysitting. I remember there were two people and one of them was a younger version of Joshua? And the other made Joshua and me compare my grandma and Tita Ogie? And that's how they made me babysit this one baby. And then they made me take care of this other baby that would fit if I hold my palms like this 🤲🏽 And there was shit on the floor. And the diaper needed to be changed and I woke up cuz I don't want that responsibility lmao

Just Distracting Myself from Feeling Randomly Depressed by Writing a Song

Everywhere they look for a degree

The good paying ones need experience

Can't find a good thing to do

Guess I'll suffer in silence

Employers don't value shyness

They don't like unassertive people

Don't know what I should work for

Skills are subpar above all

Money is so hard to earn

Why is it like this

I wish there was an easy way

Please tell me what it is

Doing office work sucks

Facing customers, I can't stand

I'm not cut out being a scientist

Guess I'll make an onlyfans

Just Last Week's "Highlights"

I have decided to write here every Monday. We'll see if I can keep this up. I think it can be good to keep a weekly journal just to see what I have been up to each time. It's also to make this blog less empty, not that there's anyone besides me reading it, lol.

Maybe I should format it in a way in which I write what the main highlight for each day of the week was? Let's try it for this post.

Tuesday, Sept. 5

I don't remember much, lol. I checked my photos and I have a picture of Beerus on my lap. I just checked my phone screen time on that day and I spent 9 hours and 24 minutes on my phone. I checked Google fit and it looks like on that day, I followed a Route in Pokemon Go, the Daang Matrapik.

Wednesday, Sept. 6

I just checked again and it looks like the paragraph was wrong and it was on this day I had Beerus on my lap. lol. There's a screenshot of Kartana so I guess this was the day I tried to make a raid group on Ottawa server but canceled it just because. 

It's a Wednesday, so there's a raid hour at 6 pm on Pokemon Go. I remember doing the daily incense up to NHA or the Seventh-day Adventist church? After that I walked from NHA to the intersection at Mamay, then to Damosa. Waited for the raid to start. I only participated in 1. I remember iPath****** tagging me on the gc for the second wave for me to join but I just sent the "peace" gif. I walked to the route again, I guess, because I wanted to keep a daily route streak. My screen time on the phone was 10 hours and 50 minutes.

I accidentally booked an appointment for the visa. I thought the website would let me choose a date after choosing when I think I would receive the complete documents. Turns out they'll email me with the date after submitting the form.

Thursday, Sept. 7

The laptop stand and the moisturizer that my partner ordered for me arrived. I caught a shiny "A" Unown. I was able to cancel the visa appointment that I accidentally booked. I watched two Pokemon shorts on Youtube. I guess I was feeling good about myself because I sent a few selfies to my beloved. He was working hard and did overtime.

Friday, Sept. 8

"I was about to dream we're gonna have sex in the shower, you pinning me against the wall, legs around your body and all, until i made myself wake up because of the ridiculousness of it all XD Before that i dreamt there were two birds perching on my head. Entered through my window"

Last package came while i was brushing my teeth and i had to go out in my towel.

Mom asked me to buy soy sauce, vinegar, salt, and dishwashing soap when I go out on my walk. I was contemplating about where to go. Should I go north or southwest? I went southwest first, made a route for PoGo, walked to the gym at NHA, and bought the stuff. I took a picture of cows on the way home. Dropped the goods off. Went out again to keep up the daily route streak. 

Could not hang out with him this day because he still had lots to finish at work.

Saturday, Sept. 9

Viewed a memory from 2015 on Facebook. It was about Urahara Kisuke's hat. I commented on how I got the hat last year with a  mirror selfie of me wearing the hat. 

One of the kittens died. I think because of Robin. I buried it.

I made another route from the gym across the subdivision to the deli restaurant. I also submitted a pokestop nomination for Leanzo's. Biked to Salome's to raid "D" unown. 

I found out that the family whom I raided in the car with was Davao Food Guide. Found out from Discord because they were making fun of them. 

Hung out with him. 

Sunday, Sept. 10

Went to church for the third Sunday in a row. Didn't go with sis this time, though, because she was sleeping. I beat the gym at the church. I was trying not to dissociate during mass. I want to go to confession but I guess it's only available before the 5:30 mass. After, my parents bought some stuff. I raided "P" unown. I invited some people, and iPath****** joined. Lol. I beat the gym at the intersection. I was worried I wouldn't be able to leave a Pokemon there, but they decided to pass through the other route in which the gym was in so I was able to do so.

Hung out with him. Told him I want to stop my meds. He says I could try, but not abruptly. I was planning to taper it anyway, so yeah, I only took half the dose of Lamotrigine.

Monday, Sept. 11

Today was slow. I interacted with the cats. Robin was making a move on the other kitty. We tried to make him wear the dog leash, but it was too big for him. I hid him in the room of the other building for a while. Long enough that he'd forget about the kitty. He's out now. I hope he doesn't do anything.

I played Governor of Poker, just like the previous days. I wanted to keep a daily streak of opening a game. I do it while listening to German music so I could at least do a little bit of immersion, opening the lyrics on the right side of the screen.

Played Pokemon Go. I don't like this game too much anymore. The competitiveness. I want to try not to care. I want to just be a casual player. But these dudes in the group chat, man. Idk. 

Ate some pasalubong from Bohol. My brother's gf was telling me the other day she was going there so the food came from her. Peanut kisses, peanute fingers, and the very delicious kalamay. 

Had rice today with mom's omelette. I want to stop trying hard on my weight loss, too. But let's not get too carried away with the less caring because we don't want to be above 60kg again.

I'm now thinking that I don't want to do this weekly; the highlighting of each day, I mean. It's too much effort to try to remember what happened that day. lol. It's better to write down immediately what happened during that day. Maybe not on Mondays too because it's so weird to write it during the beginning of the week.

Zoomy is 6 months old, I think. But to be sure, maybe next month is a good month to have him neutered. Beerus and Robin should be neutered next week or the next. 

My sister just asked me a question about German, like why it's "Ich versuche zu schlafen" yadda yadda and I don't feel like writing anymore so I'll just end this post for now.

Just Not Feeling too Meow Meow Today

Idk why I said meow meow. 

Living is so hard. Every girl has asked why they have to put up with periods. It has to be a monthly cycle. A monthly struggle. I felt a little suicidal yesterday and today. I also felt murderous. There's internal rage. Here I am contemplating on tapering with my meds and just come off of it without consulting with my doc first. I was planning on going down to 25mg after my period and then stop when I run out. The prescription was fully served already and I need to go back to get a new one, and that costs money. I just want to manage it on my own. I know this is a bad idea but fuck it. I'm living life naturally as a person with bipolar II disorder, as God intended (not really lmao). Oh yeah, speaking of, I went to church last Sunday and the Sunday before that. Two church going Sundays :D I need to go to confession so I partake in the holy communion. "Can't take the host if you have mortal sin," - that one nun who sat beside me that one time.

My ear is itchy. I think my foot has a fungus. I hate my life. Why does my period exacerbated a lot of stuff  ༎ຶ⁠‿⁠༎ຶ 

I think I'm done ranting for now.

Just Something I Did and Procrastinated On

I finished it. Haha. These are the times that I sometimes wish this blog has viewers so I could promote stuff like this vid. On a second thought, I'm not really proud of it cuz my singing voice sucks. But here's the vid:

https://youtu.be/mZVigthIxeA 

Just Corrections from Yesterday's German Practice

I got a few wrong. Here's the correction:

On another note, I don't want to admit it, because of how ridiculous it is, but I guess if I have to use words for it: I'm feeling guilty about... I guess particularly about the dream I had last night. It was kind of a sweet interaction like him being nice again, and at that time we were flexing our German skills to each other?

The scene was in a classroom, so I know after that there was this female teacher tasking us to do some yoga? I'm not sure anymore. And then, I dreamt of being bipolar again, that I couldn't do it, that I walked out of the classroom to take a walk as a coping mechanism, and then I had an argument with a male coworker of the teacher's, but he wouldn't let me finish my point before he started his argument and I was so pissed that I woke up because I didn't want to listen to his bullshit.

Anyway, last Sunday, it didn't help when my sister was doing teasing sounds while I was being confused by the in game gift he gave me. Now I'm noticing that I'm saying his name often when my sister and I are having a conversation. I do not like what is happening. She teased me being kilig, too.

And I want to talk about this with my fiancé but I don't want him to feel bad or to feel jealous. Because I am committed to him and he knows that. 

I guess I can say that this guy likes me, but not romantically. I just don't like how confusing his niceness is. I don't have any intention of liking him, too. I shouldn't really feel bad about all of this, right?

What I want to do right now is to just stop thinking about it and let a few days, or even weeks, pass so it would just be yesterday's news. I'm just agonizing over this because it's still just fresh. And it doesn't help when I keep checking and looking into it over and over again. It's me who's gonna look stupid if I keep this up, when it's just nothing to him after all.

Just an August Update

It's a new month. I don't want a blank month for this blog.

^I typed those two sentences last week but I got distracted and I haven't come back ever since.

I guess the significant thing I'm trying to get out of my head is this guy from Pokemon Go who's so nice that it's giving me signals. Yesterday, he gifted me a 29-peso ticket for the froakie event, which isn't much, but still. He probably does that for lots of players in the Pokemon Go community. He's a good senior taking care of the new players. Yes, I'm going to shrug it off as that. The way I make this narrative, it may make people think that he may like me, because I think so too, a little bit. But, since he's not making obvious moves, I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt. Earlier, I made my relationship status public, just in case. I didn't even know that only my friends could see it, lol.

Anyway, my German is getting better and better. I'm not sure if I've mentioned it here before, but I'm having full conversations in German with my fiancé from time to time now. I still have the habit of looking away or closing my eyes when I'm trying to form sentences. I want to practice writing here, too. Should I try? Let's see.

Heute sind mein Papa und ich zum Einkaufszentrum gegangen. Wir kauften Lebensmittel. Während wir an die Kasse warteten, habe ich ein Pokemon Gym gekämpft. Am ende, konnte ich kein Pokemon einstellen (?), weil es zu weg war, und der (?) GPS (?) funktionierte nicht so gut. 

Ich weiß es nicht mehr 😭 Ich habe keine Ahnung, ob einstellen das richtige Wort ist, oder hinlassen, entlassen, oder was. Ich weiß es gibt ein besseres wort, das ich noch nicht kenne. Ich zeige meinem Verlobter diese zwei Abschnitte, die ich geschrieben habe, um ob ich es richtig getan habe zu wissen. I DONT KNOW ANYMORE AAA

Just an Update from Yesterday's Plans

Welp, the only thing I was able to do from my plans on my previous post was bake. I ate a lot and didn't make any progress with the Monster task. I did Nicos Weg but that was a necessity and part of my every day routine. :)

Just Want to Talk to Myself, I Guess

I just sometimes need someone to chat with to fall asleep. My fiancé is busy a lot. And even if we did chat, I can't find anything to chat about. 

My day hasn't been productive. I woke up at 10 am. That was only because my brother texted there's an Oppenheimer show time at 11 am. Got up to shower but water wasn't running. We didn't go out in the end. We did yesterday, though, but the line at the tickets was too long and we wouldn't be able to make it to the show time. We are at Bigby's instead. I ate too much. Been eating too much for the past 6 days. Probably going to weigh heavier on Saturday. I want to eat less tomorrow so at least there wouldn't be too much weight added.

Back to my day today. I got invited to a few raids but could only afford one raid pass. I biked around. I wanted to practice biking uphill with the seat higher but there were boys at the top "teasing" me lmao I think that was the most productive thing today, apart from doing the Nicos Weg course. Chatted with my best friend at noon, too.

I was trying to work on doing a cover of Monster these past days. My streak on touching that ended today. Didn't get my guitar, didn't continue with the drawing. 

Voice chatted with my fiancé when he was on his way to work. He bought bread. The attendant noticed he was early. When he was at his building, he tried to help a woman, telling her the entrance was at the other side of the building. I understood what he said in German, too. The woman couldn't understand and could only speak Russian -Ukranian. They used Google translator. He concluded that maybe she was just looking at the building.

How am I feeling right now? I'm sometimes thinking of what I can do for a living. Doing that just makes me feel dread. I'm sometimes thinking of the present, how it's different from being in school. Being an adult is so different. Being the one mostly in charge of your life, being the one who makes the decisions. If you become a parent, you get to be responsible for your kid. Sometimes derealization kicks in. It's kicking in a little bit now. Trying to ground through writing all this. Fuck. Ok.

I should sleep. I think it was coffee that made me productive and motivated with the Monster cover a few days ago. I shouldn't drink it, but boy do I like being able to do stuff. Trying not to think of inducing hypomania right now. It's a really bad idea. If only you can only get the euphoria and productivity. Only the good stuff. And if only they don't go away. Why do we have to suffer? Lmao alright enough now.

I guess I'll end with a plan for tomorrow (my plans don't usually go through lmao) instead of grateful things today.

1. Eat less. No rice or sweets!

2. Work on the Monster cover.

3. Laundry (?)

4. Bake (?)

5. Nicos Weg 

Let's not plan too much now. There's only a few hours when you have a burst of motivation during the day. Good night.

Just Can't Talk to My Guy as Much as I'd Like To

Here I am again, in need of someone to talk to to be able to sleep, but have no one. They're busy. I don't know. Today, I applied for jobs, at VA agencies. Two of them. I don't want to work. I want money. I got up early, did Duolingo early, showered, and got dressed up. Even broke my fast early. However, after eating, I didn't want to go out anymore. The thought of taking calls discouraged me. I thought I would be able to do it. I probably can. There's just something in an act that makes you want to back out the last second. Even now, after I've sent my application to these two companies, I don't want to go through it.

Anyway, one of them wanted a cover letter. I couldn't be bothered anymore and gave in to using ChatGPT. I edited a little bit so it wouldn't use so much flowery words that I wouldn't even come up with myself.

I ate rice today. Ate a LOT. Binignit, too. I'm pretty sure my weight would be heavier compared to last week. I've been doing so well this week, though.  It's just that, the previous day has more influence on the weigh in. Ate at 11 pm too. Fck. 

I took a mirror selfie. I've took a similar one before. I've been more daring in revealing more skin. I wouldn't go nude, however. I hope my future self keeps it that way. I've been breaking a lot of images my younger self wouldn't have let me do.

5 things to be grateful of again? Okay, sure.

1. Was able to apply despite not being able to go outside.

2. Started the pokestop streak as the same as my catch streak.

3. Didn't completely forget to feed cats.

4. Had the will to wash the dishes.

5. I think I can be grateful with how my body looks now. I still want to lose more fat, but I look pretty decent as I am right now, I guess.

Just Can't Immediately Fall Asleep

I got bored and started using Google assistant. I was told to take a few minutes of my time to write 5 things I am grateful for.

1. Achieved 100% achievements in Terraria.

2. Was able to finish two episodes of Nicos Weg even though the internet was very slow earlier.

3. I have maybe made up my mind to apply for the job tomorrow.

4. Was able to do laundry and didn't forget to get the hung clothes from outside.

5. Was able to at least do yoga even though I couldn't go out for a walk or a jog.

Just Adding the Title After Writing Everything

Okay, so all the depression from the rant last week was because of the menstrual flow I got the next day. :) It ended yesterday and I'm still feeling it earlier while updating my resume. I have this urge to apply at BPO companies but I don't really want to. Who wants labor in their life, anyway? Ugh. Now I'm remembering the stuff I wrote about ikigai on the other blog post. Idk how to do it :') I want to earn money and spend freely as I want to. I can't believe I've become like this. I don't want to be an adult who rants about monetary problems. I don't even have that much monetary problems becomes everything is provided for me :')

Alright, time to write about what I'm grateful for now so I don't spiral further. Cognitive behavioral therapy, I guess.

1. I haven't skipped my skin care even though there have been a lot of days I wanted to skip. Good job, me.

2. I am almost to 5,000 German words in my vocabulary. I am keeping up with my 2 courses a day on B1 Nicos Weg streak. Same with Duolingo and Memrise.

3. I'm close to perfecting my hairstyle for my wedding. 

4. I haven't skipped my meds.

5. I was able to do yoga today and was able to hold the left side crow pose a little decently than before haha

Just Journaling

Hello, hello.

Last week, I "interned" for my brother. I did a part of his work for him. It was okay. He paid me for it. Yesterday, I did a small part of his task, too. After that, he had another task which was to create a landing page. I attempted to but it was taking me time, so I asked him to do it while I watch. He wasn't in the zone for it so he just told me to watch the video tutorials he has in the laptop.

Earlier, after watching a few of his tutorial videos, I felt depressed. I told him I'm "resigning". He then fell into a bad mood saying that I just gave him extra work (this was after I returned his laptop after coming back home from my walk which I will now reiterate in the next sentences). Whatever. I laid in bed for a while. I wanted to stay in bed. I got up and played Pokemon Go and walked. I did yoga after.

Now, I'm thinking of enrolling for a B1 German course to spend my time for the next 2 months. This getting married thing takes SO MUCH TIME. SOMEONE SHOULD WRITE THE PROPER EXPECTATIONS ON ONE SITE AS A SUMMARY. I could have been more productive in the last few months, this whole year, if we knew we weren't getting married just yet. Maybe I'll do a summary for it one of these days. 

I should stop ranting and redirect this whole post into something I'm grateful for. Let's see... I'm glad I was able to buy make up and was able to practice for a bit. It looks like I could do it after all. I just need to practice more on my hair. I couldn't decide yet on how I should style it. My fiancé insists on getting it styled by a professional. I want it to do it myself so I can save. 

I'm happy I for my dress and shoes. I'm happy that I was able to buy a lot of stuff last month. I bought a bra and I'm happy that I know which size to buy next time (I bought a test bra to see which one fits. Lol)

I'm happy that I have a sweet and loving fiancé. He loves me so much and I love him so much despite the distance between us. I'm happy that we've lasted this long. I love his patience and understanding. I'm thankful he has a stable job because I can't do it for now XD I'm glad that he's there when I'm in despair. I'm grateful he stays with me even when he could have chosen someone else, someone better. I love him so much. I want to write more. There's more to write for another day. It will never run out given how there is so much love between us. Soon™, we will be together in each other's presence again. I love you, mein Schatz.

Just Yesterday's Will

I wanted to write more here yesterday. I am too sleepy now, though. I guess I can say I went running today. I prefer the bike. I didn't do so because I want to give my legs a rest from the bruises. Haha. I can type more, actually but I don't want to. I want to sleep. Good night, everyone. (No one even reads this blog lmao)

Just Want to Post Something Here

I keep telling myself to post here. An update of myself, how have I been doing, in case my future self wonders what happened this month or the previous days. I would like to be more active here so I would know what has been up. 

I guess I've been playing a lot of Terraria this month. So I only remember to write something here when I'm already in bed, and I tell myself I should write something tomorrow during the day so I won't be so tired after playing Terraria. Well, it never happens, so tonight, in bed, I'm writing something.

Man, I hate this keyboard on my phone. I always make typos and always have to correct it. I can't rely on muscle memory cuz it's always a few centimeters off. In the next paragraphs, I'll try to write without correcting anything so you can see.

Earlier this month, I received the CFO certificate, that I should've received last year, in the mail. That mad eme hink, is the bureau replying already? Cuz we've been waiting for more than six months already to hear from the embassy. And later that day, they did. We needed to give them the translation of the CENOMAR again, however, cuz the embassy didn't give the registry the one we gave them. Today, he said that they received the translation and they are gonna forward it to a hugher court, which would take up to 12 weeks. Geeat, more waiting. 

Last week, I ordered a dres and a pair of shoes becuase I thougt I would already flying innediately and I didnt want to be here when my orders arrive. I guess i xan order a bunch of other atuff for the wedding now.

Anyway, some other stuff that I was up to. I met up with iPathfinder a couple times. He messages me sometimws too. For raids and gyms and stuff haha i wonder why. One time, i invited jill to raid shadow mewtwo with us. I didn't really know what i was expecting. But it turns out we go around the ciry to raid gyms. He drove while 3kubo, and jackstrydwr, me and jill were in the passenger seats. It was fun, I gues.

I coulf drecribe my progress in terraria rightb now but im feeling my meds kicking jn. I oukd also describe my best friend's stories with R and this other platonic guy who has a different signing (spelling. I didnt want to xorrect it when i used the swipe feature on the keyboard) of food(his) name from a vicalist. 

Also, my fiancé ordered a banana xard game ladt april and it arrived today. My brother toldnme while i was in the bathroom that they needed php 212. I wondered why since my shopee orders were already paid. It wasnt my ordere feom shopee.  Yesterday i was checkinf the tracking of it too cuz i thiyght of meeting up with my best friend to eat some indian food and i wanted to bring the card game with me. 

Okay, I'm done typing without correcting now. I'm done typing in general. Maybe I'll write more tomorrow cuz it feels like I still have a lot more to say. I wish I wouldn't forget. I most likely will, though :D

Just Ikigai

Well, I guess Blogger is almost dead now. I don't know how to find other blogs anymore. Also, the ones I follow aren't active, too. I guess my own blog is also starting to get less active, with fewer posts each month and year. 

Earlier, I randomly thought of ikigai. I've heard people mentioning it before. I thought it meant it was your reason to live. After that, I thought about him being my ikigai. I decided to look it up if what I was thinking was correct. It turns out, it wasn't so. Ikigai is leaning towards purpose, career-wise. I'm still figuring that part out. The first thing that comes to mind is music. It's a slight passion. But how can I make a living out of it? Should I start uploading covers on YouTube? A lot of people already do that. I want to make songs that help the world better. It's easier said than done. I can't just come up with original melodies from within me. It's easier to come up with drawings. Maybe I should draw after the song I made? I should do more research. The article I read did say to do research for it.

I'm glad I can still post here. I'm glad that my blog isn't dead. I'm glad even if no one reads this. I'm glad if it's only me who does. 

Every time I'm starting to think about stuff, I just take a deep breath, or just ground myself and stop thinking. That's what I found out what you should do, so you don't get depressed. It takes practice. But I'm heading there. There are still some negative thoughts here and there, when hormones fluctuate. But still, I've come far, I guess.

Also, it's already May. The embassy could reply any time now. I wish they already would. I want to move out. I want to be with him, and find out if I could have music be part of how I make a living there. Music and art are the only ones that come to mind. Should I go to music school or art school? Is there a program where I can do both? I hope I don't get too stressed out about this.

Just Want To Learn More

I had this idea earlier to type an entry in German so I can immerse more in the language. But now, I'm feeling a little lazy and tired. I watched die Kaiserin earlier. I couldn't keep up with Dark because it was getting me bored a lot. This one was a bit more enjoyable.

I downloaded two reading apps this week. I finished all units in Duolingo so I'm not learning more vocabulary from the app. I hoped reading would help.

Just Want To Melt Into The Bed And Be One With The Mattress

Mood swing. Feeling down. Haven't done any physical workout today. Having a little bit of suicidal thoughts. Not much of a big deal at the moment. Just want to melt into the bed and be one with the mattress.

Just Didn't Think I Would Write This Much for This Post

I am in a mood. Earlier, I googled about feeling empty. I don't feel emptiness in my heart, though. More like a... I just thought of derealization and dissociation. I guess I should look up those now if that's what I'm in the mood in.

Ayt, it's closer to depersonalization and derealization than dissociation. Let me just keep typing... I have to pause from time to time because it feels like... I'm still doing it. Help. Lmao. 

Anyway, let me distract myself from doing it by typing more, and focus on typing. I would like to share that I set a timer for the social media apps, so I wouldn't be on my phone a lot, which hinders a lot of productivity. Welp, I guess that's the only update I want to share. Lmao. 

Oh yeah, maybe it's because of thinking a lot of religion again. It's starting up some symptoms. Yup. It's a fucking trigger. Why didn't I stay away from the topic. Maybe I should be honest with my dad on how triggering church is, and how his light, guilt-inducing reprimands aren't good for my bipolar disorder. I already feel bad with not going, but going also makes me feel bad. I am trapped. These feelings, I hate them. I try not to dwell on them but it's difficult when you get reminded by it over and over again.

And as for being jobless and not earning money, I don't like it. But working also is going to feel like a chore. 

Boredom is making me depressed, too.

I don't know anymore. Maybe I should stop writing because I'm starting to pour out a lot.

Just Petty Motivation

I think most of my achievements came from the drive of trying to prove people wrong. Nowadays, people believe in me too much, so I don't get much done. There's just the embarassment when proven wrong in people that gives me a boost in being into something I do.

Maybe I should redirect the belief into myself, like, thinking I can't do something and see if I can prove myself wrong... Man, it's not the same when it's from other people lmao

Just Remembered While Folding Clothes

I did some art again. Here's it is.

Took a pic first before I ruin it with color.

Erased some of the pencil lines because I remembered I couldn't anymore once I painted over them.

Thought it looked okay already. Took a pic before I shade the dress with a different color. Also, the water color is wet.

This may be my final edit. Had to wait for it to dry some more. It's night time so I'd have better lighting for the pic during the day tomorrow.

Had to decide whether to write the caption in cursive or not. Went with cursive even though I felt a little disappointed to do so. Haha.

Just His Birthday Last Saturday

I forgot to upload an artwork I made for his birthday. Here it is:

Also, my menstruation is done and mood isn't as down as the previous blogpost was. The bad thoughts still linger a little bit. I hope the yoga and the jogging will let it die down until the next menstrual period. lmao.

Just When I Thought

Just as when I thought that I won't be dying before 30, imagining the post I will upload on Facebook on my 30th birthday about living and being grateful still being alive (I'm still curently 25 years old), the thoughts which I haven't had for a while is back. I blame the hormones. Maybe I need an increase in my Lamotrigine (currently on 50mg for maybe 3 months). I have recently increased interactions in the Bipolar Bears server. Not sure if that contributes to the slow descent. Reading about other people having a bad time lowkey gives me a bad time. I guess I should avoid chatting there for a while. Maybe it's my fault she's having a bad time, that she was used to the server with mostly being quiet. 

I don't like how I'm annoyed at him (He doesn't know. I try not to give him a hard time with me). I'm usually very lovey-dovey towards him during menstruation. Now, the feeling of dread(?) is there and the urge to isolate is there, which is weird because I'm not even talking with people online that much. Usually it's just him and my best friend. And it's not often that I talk with her online because she's also constantly having a bad time, which is bad for my mental health, too. Empathizing gives me a bad time.

Now I'm thinking that I could write a fiction story with all the stuff I just typed. Lol. Now that I'm conscious about it, it's going to be weird and it would be like I'm writing in the third person now, which doesn't seem genuine anymore. So, let's scratch that idea. I'm not gonna say "for now" because I have a ship of ideas that aren't sailing. Just stagnant with the fuel being consumed empty.

Just Don't Want to Snowball

Alright. All the previous entries with the positivity and what not are starting to face about. I'm feeling a descent coming. PMS? Need to up the dosage? Who knows. Hopefully I'll feel better after my period. Hopefully I'll get it soon and get the suspense done. Maybe this slow descent came from him telling me about one of his pasts that he didn't want to talk about. I want to forget about it because I know he's a changed person. I shouldn't ignore how I feel, though. Fuck. I'll get over this. Hopefully soon. I don't want to feel like this again.

Just What My Current Thought Is

I'm so excited for my new boots but they're still going to ship it on March 1. :')

Also, I haven't posted much about my dreams here lately. I've mostly been texting them to my fiancé. The sleep drunkenness can't let me have the motivation to open this site. I want to do it more often tho :')

I'm smelling bulad from downstairs. I want to eat already. I still have to wait 7 more hours before I break my fast. I'm already 57.75 kg last Saturday. I'm almost there. Don't let temptations ruin it now. I can do it 

I guess when I'm less depressed, I write less. I do it to cope. Writing happy thoughts should be a regular thing, too. You tend to manifest it when you do.

Just Valentine's Day

I wanted to write what I was up to last 14th. It wasn't that much, but I actually had plans, which is a change, because everyday has only been on my laptop, the cats, small chores, jogging, Pokemon Go, and Discord. 

Anyway, I went out with my best friend. The original plan was to have lunch at 11 am. Then, she got notified that her gift for her crush was arriving that day. So, we waited for it to arrive and postponed it. It arrived around 1 pm. We planned for 4:30 pm. There was so much traffic around Quirino. I wanted to just walk it. I waited for what it felt like 20 minutes before I decided to get out of the jeep and walk.

I got to the restaurant first. It was Kalye't Kusina. She arrived after a while. I ordered the chicken with the spaghetti and the oreo ice cream pancake, but they ran out so I replaced it with oreo milk shake. She ordered the spaghetti with meatballs and aussie chips. She talked about her crush. She didn't finish her food and had it to go. 

We walked to the restaurant where her crush works at. The plan was to have me give it to him so she would remain anonymous. I went there and it turned out that he already clocked out since he was the opener for that day. I still left the gift there to the hostess for them to give it to him the next day.

After that, we walked to Roxas because I wanted to search for boots. We found some but they didn't fit me. It rained. We went home. I don't want to be overdetailed with this story. It's mostly boring XD

Anyway, that's it. Today, though, we found the little calico kitty dead. It was smelling since yesterday. My menstrual cup also arrived today. I want to edit a Stardew Valley video. I recorded a gameplay earlier but Vegas Pro won't read it. Speaking of which, it just finished converting now. The next time, I will use DaVinci Resolve.

Just a Follow-Up from Yesterday's Entry

I forgot to mention in the previous blogpost that our white cat had jaundice last week and I cried about it. I went to buy some Dextrose and catfood to make him better. He's better now. We didn't need to take him to the vet. I used the money to buy the loml a gift. I also bought something for myself from Shopee. 

Right now, I seem to want to apply for a job again. Should I? Who knows.

Just a February Update that Should Probably be Worth for a Few Missing Days of Posting

 I'm gonna blog right now before I forget again.

Not sure what about, though.

Well, it's February 10. It has been 17 days since I posted here.

I had my interview on January 24. It was okay. However on the 26th, I got the email about not getting the job. It's fine, though. I didn't know what to do by the time the embassy replies for our marriage application. I'm not sure if I could still work for the company when I move to Germany.

On January 29, I completed all the achievements for Muse Dash, after repeatedly playing Say Fanfare! a lot of times. It was... ugh. XD I got the 100% accuracy once, when I used Christmas Gift Rin. It turns out it doesn't count because you still hit a great instead of a perfect. I tried using Little Devil Marija to motivate myself to hit greats less but I am NOT really good at that. lmao I looked up tips on how to get 100% and saw that I should use The Girl in Black Marija. After more repititions of the song and attempts on other songs, I finally got it. Finally.

I went to the doctor on January 30 to get a new prescription. I was going to the pharmacy with only 25mg on it, so I had it changed to 50mg. I walked around the mall to search for a ring for Shiloh and a laptop stand. I looked for a carpet, too. I found some, but I didn't buy one. Now, I wish I would have bought that big circular one so I wouldn't get my floor dirty from rolling my chair around the room. I think I also walked all the way home that day while playing Pokemon Go. Oh yeah, I was playing Pokemon Go while waiting for the doctor. She still hasn't arrived when I got there. I always know not to arrive early but I still do it anyway. Lol.

I think I just spent most of my days playing games and watching series. I always make time to go out for a walk or a jog for 30mins or more from at around 4pm-8pm.

I weighed 58.85kg on the morning of February 4. I eat less rice now. I mostly don't eat before 11am and after 5pm, too. I think I'm almost at my goal of 50kg-55kg.

What else should I type about from the 17 days since the last post? Lol

I tried to learned To Zanarkand. I'm almost there. I just need to be faster when transitioning to different notes. 

I should record Stardew Valley for my new video on YouTube. Draw a thumbnail, too.

I also want to apply for a job. A temp job. Good for 3 months.

My best friend and I planned to meet on the 14th so I could give a gift to her crush, from her, anonimously.

I've got all these ideas written down, and I'm not doing much about them. lmao. I wish I could do everything without effort so I get them done fast, and not have any backlogs. I'm just human, though. A mentally ill one. Still, with all the free time I have, I should be able to do it. 

Just Hope the YouTube Link in the Post isn't Broken

I should write here more often. Maybe I should change the URL again, too. 

What should I write about?

How about me having a job interview tomorrow? I hope I get in. It would be a help on the expenses. I want to utilize my skills, too. I would also be able to spend my time better.

I'm down to 60.1kg last week. I checked my tracking of my no-rice diet. I only did it 6 times so far this month XD I ate rice today. Hopefully, on the following days, I won't be weak enough to not resist eating some. I wanna be 59 kg by Saturday.

This is nice. Only writing about goals. No depressing thoughts. Now I am, but I'm fighting it. I'm medicated and managing. Please, no jinx. 

What else? My recent goal this week was getting all achievements in Muse Dash. I also uploaded another YouTube video five days ago.

Here's the drawing I did for the thumbnail:

And here's the YouTube video:

Idk how it will look like. I'm editing this post on my phone XD

Anyway, time to sleep. Later.

Just Don't Want To Think About Monetary Problems

I'm on the couch rn. I was on YouTube, and just visited this small channel named summerdream. 25 videos. 1k+ subscribers. 50k+views. I'm wondering how she did it. I want to make money on YouTube, too. I can barely get attention anywhere on social media. 

My Late Night Thoughts page on Facebook has 6000+ followers, but each post only averages 1 like. I want to help my fiancé make money when we get married, too.

Thinking about all this makes me depressed. I usually avoid things that involve money.

Just Want to Write Something Since I Haven't Been Doing It Often

Hi. I went out today. I bought my meds. The pharmacists said that I should tell my doc to change my prescription because I asked them to give me 50mg instead of 25mg that was written there. I forgot to withdraw beforehand, so I paid with my debit card. I typed my PIN twice but I guess I forgot that I changed it. lol. So she just charged it as credit so I don't have to enter a wrong PIN again. I walked all the way home again. I like to do that often.

Last week I was having PMS. I haven't felt like that for a while so I wondered why that was happening. That was why I've decided to take 50mg of my meds now. Also, is it bad that I experience a range of symptoms while having PMS? They're the following:

- elbow pain (it comes and goes. I think I have cubital syndrome. The pain comes back before and during my period.)

-very itchy ears (same thing with the elbow pain)

-back pain, maybe my kidneys? (This is new. Not sure if it's from intermittent fasting)

-abdominal pain, maybe my liver? (I tried IF before and stopped when I was having this pain. I've come back and the pain is back again.)

-breasts bigger (nothing new. I think this is normal, lol)

Anyway, I've been doing IF since October. I'm down to 61.35kg now. I think I've gained weight this week because of the carbonara. I'm on and off with rice. I changed my goal on Daylio from "Drink Water" to "No Soda". With that, my 900+ day goal streak is gone and I'm down to 7. I'm almost near my goal of having weight that's less than 60kg. 

I've been watching Shameless. I'm trying to re-read Percy Jackson: The Lightning Thief. I have a WIP in my sketchbook of my best friend and her dog. I started a YouTube channel. I wish I could make money from that. Please make the RNG go my way. I have a few games pending on Steam.

I guess this is the update I can do for now. Wow, I never thought this blog would get non depressing. This is all non depressing stuff, aside from the not so bad stuff that happened. Lol