Just Blarghafargah

I went to school today. Teacher wasn't there. The office was closed. Why do I even bother

Went to the IT lab. IT friends made me play Osu. Lol.

I slept for the rest of the day. Sleep is awesome.

Earlier this morning, this dream I had, lightning struck our roof. It pierced through my ears. There was kind of an earthquake, too. I screamed at my brother at the other room. We jumped out of the window that was high then I woke up when we landed.

Just Lololol

I was not able to go to school today, partly because I am a piece of shit, but mostly because of the water outage which led to me not being able to shower. Yeah, nothing really matters (anymore). Nothing has ever mattered. Lol.

Just Got Sad but Not Anymore and Now I Remember Something that I Should Not Have Forgotten

Fuck me, man...

It's just...

I need to be careful with what I write here.
Because I would sometimes like to backread some of the things I have written in the past.
My past me just made me sad. Haha
I think until now, I would still make the future me sad.
2017 me will make the future me sad.
2015 me made present me sad.
And I only read one line from a past post. Haha
Okay, so,
I am still sad. Haha. Wait. Let me calm down for a moment...

Fuck, man...

While I was trying to calm down, I randomly thought of him. I don't like these moments, when a guy takes over the bunker inside your head, making himself feel at home, without your permission. Damn it. Now I am not thinking of my past post anymore, feeling all down inside. I am back in my neutral mode.

It is funny how moods can change just because of certain stimuli.
Damn, I just remembered something.
I was supposed to go to school today.
I didn't, because I wanted to play dota all day (Priorities, right?).
The purpose that I could think of was to check my grades for English and inform my dean that I will not be taking her job offer of teaching food and beverage services every Sunday for three hours with pay every hour.
The other purpose that I forgot was to pass the handouts for my HBO subject as our final requirement. Which is important, for me. That subject was a good one.
It completely slipped my mind.
So, I think I should really go to school tomorrow now.
I think saying tomorrow now is wrong but the heck with it. I'm keeping it.

Intermission line.

Hmmm...
I am good now.
I think I have pointed out what I needed to.

Saying this is gay but,
Thanks for stopping by in this blog of a nobody.

Just AsdfghTitle

I don't have school anymore, which is great. Our Tour3 subject will have an outing this Saturday. I wanted to go in the previous weeks, but now when the date is near, I don't want to anymore. I don't even know my classmates. Lol. Maybe I will not go after all.

So... I want to hang out with friends, and it is hard to contact or get contacted without Messenger. I have around two months left to log back in, because I say so.

I don't feel like writing anymore. Maybe later.

Just Not Sleeping

Ok, so, I sleep every now and then recently. Right now, I could not seem to go back. I guess I am awake for now. I have an exam later. I have not studied. Too lazy. I know I will pass the subject anyway, even if I do not do well in this final exam. I also have a 1550-peso fine for my clearance. I have not attended any events this semester. Apparently, you get punished for being antisocial. I must mean asocial, because antisocial is a mental illness. Hey, I am mentally ill. Maybe antisocial is the right word. This other subject I have... I do not know if my classmates are still even attending. My instructor is not even trying anymore. That . I do not like using that word. I'll just erase it. I'll leave a space for that word.

Just It Still Being You

You are all I could think of
Even when I think of dying, you are all I could think of
Every day and every night
Because of you, I could not sleep tight

I am always thinking,
Maybe I should tell you
So I could get this over with
And maybe I could move on, too

Should I really?
Is there nothing to lose?
Why could I not say it?
Why could I not confess?

Oh crap
I remember
You already know
What the fuck am I going on about here

It seems like a messenger sent it
without any of my knowledge
without any of my consent
and now my world is falling

Actually, no,
No it is not
It is great when someone else could tell you
When I, myself, could not

Just My Growing Hair

It's been two months since my hair cut. My hair has probably grown a few centimeters. My bangs keep falling on my eyes. It's bothersome. I try to scrunch all my hair together to see if I could tie them now, but I still couldn't. The heat sometimes gets to me and sometimes my hair doesn't help. I want to tie it up to get a little cooler. What I just do is tie a ribbon around my head, kind of like using it as a headband. Sometimes I just want to go bald. I've been wanting to shave my head for a long time now. I guess I'll just settle for short ones, pixie cuts. Some people want my hair long. lol. Maybe I'll grow it out. I'm too lazy to have hair cuts often. I only cut my hair every two to three years. I have done that interval for two times now. What got me to write this post is that my hair keeps falling on my eyes and it's bothering me and I don't like wearing headbands or hairpins to keep them from doing so. They're not my style. Also, I used to have this fake, circle, horn-rimmed glasses that I use for fashion and to protect my eyes from the radiation to keep my hair from covering my eyes. Too bad our dog ate it.

Just in the Mood for Writing Nonsense

I want to hang out with friends. It has been a long time since I did. Do I have friends? Yes. Of course. Who does not? Those who claim that they do not are just exaggerating. They DO have friends. They just do not feel like "friends". Their depression is just making them feel like they are alone.

Anyways, I want to hang out with my former publication friends. The problem is that we are all far away from each other. We can not reach each other, and that is sad.

It is going to be less than three months until this year ends. I can log in on Facebook by the time that happens. I have to commit to my last status about being not online for the rest of the year. Once I do log in, I think it is going to be Hell. Me not logging in makes it hard for people to contact me and vice versa. It is not that much of a problem, to be honest. I do not like people that much anyway.

Just Positive Reinforcement

I have put myself in that certain mood.
I think I deserve it.
I did this to myself.
I don't want to...
Fuck it.
This post is going to be positive, for a change.
I just want to tell you that
I am happy you have made it this far.
Do not quit.
Do not give up.
I know you can be indecisive sometimes.
I am telling you now that you should continue going on.
I am the voice you should listen to.
I know it is hard to ignore the other ones.
I will be here
in the shadows.
Always watching
Always guiding
Always believing
I tell you again.
Do not give up.
Ever.

Just Don't Know What My Point With This Is

I have written a lot.
Maybe it is because I have a lot to say
but I do not actually say them out loud.
I hate talking.
I hate being told what to do.
I have initiative.
If I am not doing somethimg, it means that I am tired
or that I just do not want to do it.
I just do not want to be alive right now.
No, wait...
Maybe that is just an exaggeration.
Maybe I just do not want to be awake.
But if I wake up, it would all be the same.
This feeling will be gone in the morning when I wake up, sure.
But it comes back.
I do not want it to come back.
If it does not come back in a long time,
my abnormal brain would miss it.
I would miss it.
It sucks to be like me.
Well, not that much.
It is funny how I am gifted with a lot of things and
I got my mind to compensate.
Like,
I know how to guitar, piano, violin, banduria, laud, oktabina, double bass, flute, lyre, xylophone, drums, bass, tambourine, maracas, whatever;
I am good at math;
I can draw and paint;
I am a fast learner;
I can lift heavy objects;
Not to brag, but I am also good-looking;
and I am smart, too.
However,
I am prone to depression and psychosis;
I am weird;
I am numb;
Maybe I have bipolar disorder;
and maybe I have schizophrenia.
Just...
I dunno, you know?
I just don't know what my point with this is.

Just Using My Dialect for Accuracy

Sige ra'g ingon ug "suicide awareness" pero dili man gani makita ang tao nga naa sa ilang atubangan nga naa'y depresyon.

Just Automaticaly Typing What's in My Head, Kind of Like a Thought-to-text

My depressed state is like
Thinking that there's no point
I'm just gonna type instantly that comes to my head
Don't mind me
Everything here might be incoherent
I'm fucking exh... tired
From playing dota.. the computer all day
Has it been two weeks of continuous sadness.. apathy?
For it to be called depression?
Agh... my head hurts..
Probably needs some water, dehydrated
Why do I think of one phrase, word, then think of a better one after?
I'm typing even my previous words, wait erase that, that doesn't make sense,
nah, just leave it there, you already thought it, you can't erase it, you're typing what you're thinking
Don't mind me guys, I'm just talking to myself.
Shit, that's that wasn't supposed to be a comma.
I'm not dedicated to this anymore.
My head hurts.
If there was a device that would automatically type my thoughts, it would probably be like this. Or not, not even close. I have thoughts in between as I type and I can't type them all.
Head hurting again.
I need some sleep.
All We Know is Falling.
Paramore.
Thoughts.
Typed.

Pause

What was i shit capital i era... Nah. No erasures. Okay. Again. Whay dammit erase y type t. Nvm. Again. What was I thinking again?
I got it right. Haha.
Head hurts.
I need some sleep.
Psychosis.
Maybe if I had Tourette's it'd be like this. But instead of randomly saying stuff, I'm typing them. Lol.
I'm just really typing random stuff so I could have somethibg to post. Dammit. Wrong spelling. Hayyy i mean *sigh*. I meant something, not somethibg.
It's been 14, 15, 16 ,17... 3 days since I last posted. I think this is enough now.
No class. Still thinking. Still typing. Shit. Stop it. Tap the post button alread self. Stop listening to your mind. Post it already. It's already long enough. Dammit. Stop it. You misspelled enough, erase it then come back to this sentence. Okay. I'll do it. Be right back.
Done correcting the spelling.
Ha.
Head hurts
Really need to sleep. Okay. Bye. I'll stop it now.
That's a lie.
Ugh.
Okay
How do I end this
Well
This is awkward
I miss .
I typed his name.
Am i allowed to erase it?
I guess i am.
Okay. I'll erase it.
Brb
Back.
I only erased his name.
It's still obvious which part i erased.
I guess i'll end it here.
Stop and tap the button already.
Okay.

Just Thirty-sixth Day at OG

FINALLY, my last day. 37 check-ins. Tried to slice fruits, but Sir Marlon arrived and took over so it would be faster. Served food, served coffee, served water. Most of the guests wanted to be on the outer restaurant because it was cold inside. Function. Times two. 16 hrs x 2 =36 hrs. Carried chairs to the side. Folded napkins. Went up and down the stairs a lot, now my legs hurt. Dished out from rooms. Yeah. I'm glad it's all over.

Just a Pen Part 2

I posted about my pen 9 days ago, about how I dropped it and planned to pick it up later, but disappeared when our teacher dismissed us. I confronted my suspect yesterday at class, and my suspicions were true. He DID pick it up. Fuck him, man. I thought... Bah, I ain't gonna rant anymore.

Just Thirty-fifth Day at OG

I felt a little stressed at around 6 am because there were six guests and I'm the only server. Sir Jo went downstairs to get some ice and Sir Marlon had not arrived yet. I almost spilled some coffee on their boss and fuck, man, I'm glad that I have logged out now. I only rendered four hours. I couldn't go for 8 because there would be a seminar at 1 pm.

Just Thirty-fourth Day at OG

I don't remember much of what happened (I actually do, you know) but all I know is I'm gonna be fucking done with this shit on Saturday.

Just Make Up Your Own Title for This

I'm tired of being manic-depressive, man.

Just Thirty-third Day at OG

Three more days, and I'll be done. This Saturday, I'll be finished. Mwahaha. I only worked 6 hours today because on Saturday, there would be a function, which would mean that the number of hours we will render will be doubled. I'll have a rest day on Friday. Today, I folded table napkins, helped in preparing orders for room service, took orders, refilled the pitcher, set-up some tables, served coffee, delivered food to Ma'am Irene and dished the soiled dishes, took the order slip and mini bar receipt from the front desk, bought some ice cream from the convenience store because of the guests ordering them, and I other stuff that I may have done but failed to mention here.

Edit: I used this particular site that calculates the time card and it said that I worked for 6 hours and 55 minutes, which I may round off to 7 hours. lol

Just that Depression Won't Go Away

It's my birthday today.

Just Thirty-second Day at OG

I couldn't understand the number of hours I rendered today because of the ambiguity. All I know is I wiped some plates and served some water and set up some tables and offered room service with Aiza, which led us to share a 455-peso tip (I got 223, while she got 222 pesos).

Just Tried to Draw Myself by Memory. Lol

Just the Things that I Don't See

I do not see myself reaching the age of 30.
I do not see myself having kids.
I do not see why you are getting mad at me
for having these kinds of beliefs.

I do not think that I can see.
It is not that I am blind.
What I mean is that things are underneath,
out from line of sight.

I do not see myself getting rid of this nihilism.
I can not see what you want me to.
All I want is to get some
cure for this depression.

Just Thirty-first Day at OG

7 check-ins. Provided room service for room 213. After awhile, Ma'am Beb called to dish it out. I dished the plates out. Restaurant was not that busy at all.

Just Thirtieth Day at OG

12 hours...
Lol...
Only 4 hours of sleep...
Haha...
Busy morning...
A little bit stressing, but not too much...
Good night...

Just Twenty-ninth Day at OG

How do I start this? Uhhh... We just talked about love with Sir Jo, like how you love a flower, you water it instead of picking it. Something like that. There was a function, too. There was a guest who asked me what type of soup it was that he was eating but I couldn't answer. lol. I told him I asked, but he said never mind. I went to the kitchen anyway and asked. Sir Jun said it was Bird's soup. I did not tell the guest that anymore. lol. I tried my best not to be clumsy, but I guess that's what I am now. lol. Spilled some liquid earlier. lol. Ma'am Chan was a little mad, not really mad, though, about me opening a Coke instead of Sprite, because the bottles were supposed to be evenly opened. Like, there were 8 empty coke bottles now and 6 empty sprite. There should supposed to be 7 coke bottles and 7 sprite bottles. Okay, I'll know that next time now. She said just ask permission if we ever open another bottle because they are counting them. Also, another guest asked for some hot sauce, and I gave her that, then Mai told me that Ma'am Irene said that we shouldn't do that, so I went and told Ma'am Irene that I did it, and she said to not do that and I just took the sauce from the guest after a few minutes so I wouldn't seem so rude. After the function, we dished out the plates. I was the one scraping the left overs. I was also the one who arranged the chairs. I also swept the carpet with a walis ting-ting. The others tried to sweep the Styrofoam bits, but it would fly away. I was able to sweep them all up. lol. I also stripped my long-sleeve uniform in the middle of sweeping because it was hot. Don't worry, I was wearing an undershirt. They were admiring the shape of my body. lol. Also, John was flirty. wtf. I don't really like him. I'm always thinking about him, the one in my poems. I couldn't get him out of my mind. I wish it could stop. Anyways, I tried to flirt back so it would be enjoyable while at work. It worked anyway. People would smile. Now they think I like John even though I don't. They keep insisting that I do. I don't. Fuck people. lol

Just What Part 2

Okay, so... That dream I had where John was chasing me? Yeah. It happened earlier, in real life, while I was at my on-the-job duty at OG, except, I was the one who was playfully chasing him. When it happened, I was like, 'what the fuck' inside my head. I told him about the dream, but I did not include the part that it was him I dreamt. I just said I just had the dream where I was being chased, that it made me remember something. Really, what the fuck, man. What did just happen?

Just Twenty-eighth Day at OG

I logged in at 5:59am. When I logged out by 10:25am for my HBO class, Berna, a front desk clerk, laughed because she thought I did not log in at dawn. lol. I got to take orders from guests again. I sliced some papayas from the lovely guests from 213, which ate breakfast at the cafe yesterday, too. Not much happened, to be honest. Oh yeah, we set up some tables for the function tomorrow. I carried some chairs, plates, bowls, and water goblets. I like to challenge myself on how many utensils I can carry. I'd like to carry as many as possible. By 3pm, Ma'am Irene asked us to help clean the Shindig. They're probably still cleaning now, since I left them to rot there. Lol. Jk. Anyways, I worked 9 hours today. I hope I'll be done with this soon.

Just What

I just woke up from a dream where I was in my bath towel being chased by John in his ojt uniform at GMall.

Just One of Those Thoughts I Want as a Line in a Book

Through their eyes, I am so calm and confident when I speak in front of them. What they do not know is that my hands are actually shaking.

Just Twenty-seventh Day at OG

Logged in 6:19am. Logged out 5:30pm. Didn't go to school today. I took the order of a group of 3 guests. I tried to be a door man for a few minutes. Served food in the function halls. It was a round table. Since there were functions, our rendered hours are doubled. I really tried to work until 10 pm but I don't think I could take it anymore.

Just Twenty-sixth Day at OG

Started at 6 am. It wasn't that busy this morning. There were 9 guests that arrived. I tried to take orders but Ma'am Cindy or Sir Jo-jo would take over and or assist me. Always put water in their glasses after taking their orders. I made a sandwich today. I swept floors. I wiped water goblets. I swept the carpet again. I wiped plates. I discovered John was gay. Haha. I set-up tables after guests leave. There will be a function tomorrow. We prepared the café and the function halls for it. We moved the tables from the café to the restaurant area. Yeah. Ended at 8 pm. Also, I left for class from 10am to 12 pm.

Just a Pen

So my sign pen fell during class. It was a little far away so I just decided to pick it up after class. When our teacher dismissed us, it wasn't there anymore. Someone fucking picked it up. My fucking pen, man. Why would they just pick something up that isn't even theirs. Fuck. My pen. Fuck.

Just Twenty-fifth at OG

Fourth day at F&B. When I arrived at 9:40 am, I was surprised that John was there. He was done with Bartending ojt. Jacqui was done with F&B so I guess he replaced her. I left at 1:30 pm for my english class. It wasn't that busy anyway. When I returned by 3 pm, it still wasn't busy. I finished a crossword and Sudoku puzzle from today's paper. I left at 7:20 pm

Just Twenty-fourth Day at OG

I didn't report for duty in two days. I really needed a day off. Today's my third day at F&B. It wasn't that busy. I found out that Joy got terminated because she was absent last Friday without informing the office. I don't know what my fate is now since I didn't text them yesterday. Last Friday, I cried because I was so damn tired. By the afternoon, I got my period. That explains everything. Lol. I hate being a girl.