Just Visitation from Her

Shiloh saw my house and room. I am satisfied.

Just Hoping for a Permanent Fix

I was a bit productive today. I wish I trimmed my bangs, though. Please, self, do it tomorrow, please.

I got my bed fixed yesterday. I just hope it's not temporary. I'm sick of it always breaking.

Just Writing Down That One Panic Attack From Five Years Ago That Keeps Flashing Back So I Could Get It Over With

I felt like floating away...

Everything... seems unreal... I look down, and the ground is there, I feel it below my legs, but I don't feel anchored at all.

My state of mind is off. This isn't right. People are in front of me. My eyes are looking at something else. They are looking at my thoughts, inside my mind. That is the problem. My physical surroundings are so far from me, even if they're right in front of me.

I look to my classmates beside me. They sense something's wrong. They ask what it is. I don't know what it is (I didn't know it was a panic attack). I suddenly cry. They ask why I am crying. I then laugh nervously because I do not want them to think I am sad. I am not sad, but I feel like crying.

The gymnasium is so big... I feel like I can't breathe. I can breathe fine, though. I have to get out. I need to get out.

My classmates look worried. No, I don't want them to worry. I'm fine. Nothing's wrong. What is happening with me? What is this? Everything is so numb. Am I alive? What the fuck?

My classmates grab my arms and guide me to our teacher and ask her if they can take me to the nurse. Teacher says yes. While all this is happening, I keep digging my nails on my arms to keep me conscious. It feels like I'm going to black out. I have not experienced blacking out ever in my life.

Keep calm, damn it! We're out of the gym now. I'm at the nurse's. My classmates leave. The nurse asks me what's wrong. I cry, then laugh it off because there's nothing really to cry about. She asks if I would like to talk to a guidance counselor. I say sure. I keep digging my nails on my arms. The "student shrink" arrives. She asks what's wrong. I say I think I'm losing touch with reality...

I calm down after a while. I go back to the gymnasium. Everyone is on the bleachers. I go to where my class is. Friends ask me what happened. I laugh them off. One of them saw my arms and asks what happened to them and why they're red. I look at my arms, nail marks. I have not noticed this previously. They have not hurt while I was digging my nails earlier. Have I dug them to deep that they would leave marks? I ignored her question and I feel a dread welling up. They think I'm trying to kill myself. I'm not. This is what I told the guidance counselor earlier, that I am not suicidal.

Fuck, I am starting to panic again. Thank God that it's already time to go home.

I go home and sleep everything off,
for now.

Just Wish Things Were Easier

I didn't do anything productive today and yesterday. I don't know how I'll be able to fix my bed permanently. Why do things have to break? I want to ride my bike to reach my weight goal. However, I also don't want to ride my bike because it involves going outside.

Just Nice Hand-Holding

I had a dream you held my hand.
It felt nice.
Too bad you don't really think of me that way.
Don't get me wrong, the feeling is mutual,
but the way my hand was held really felt nice.

Just a Bit Frustrated

Just when you think everything is going great, your bed breaks for the hundredth time, you get a lot of scars and bruises, and you end up feeling like shit again. But nah, it's just a "mindset" and you shouldn't let that upset you. Fuck that.

Just Taking Back What I Said

I know I said I'm gonna change the URL of this blog but I'm too lazy to do that now.

Just Snot-Faced

I just remembered this vague memory of when I was four years old and mom brought me to work because there isn't anyone to babysit me. So we were sitting in front of her class and her students were looking at me. My nose was dripping with mucus. Back then, I kind of liked the taste of snot and boogers. Gross, I know. I don't anymore, okay? Anyway, back to the class. So, her students were looking at me having mucus dripping from my nose. They told mom about this but my mom didn't bother and just kept on doing whatever she was doing. Like I said, I liked snot, so I sucked all the mucus that was above my lips with my mouth, and then the students' horrified faces were so in sync I thought it was funny. They were shouting to my mom that all of the mucus was going to my mouth, unaware that I was trying to eat it. In the end, I wiped it all myself with a cloth because I thought maybe it was as bad as they seemed it to be.

Just Kind of a Productive Week

I feel like this has been my most productive week this year. The linens have been washed. The "carpet" is cleaner than it was before. Quotes on the "carpet" since it really is just a comforter on the floor. The vomit stain from 7 months ago is gone.

It looks like I ain't dying any time soon so I've filled my white board with stuff like a schedule and some lists. Kind of like mini-goals so if I find myself with nothing to do, I work on them. Or if I'm in a depressed mood, I'd channel my energy unto those stuff for distraction.

Just Fun With a Laser and Slow Shutter

I bought new batteries last week for my laser and had fun with it with the slow shutter mode in my phone camera.

Hello

Lana Slaybell

lasers are fun.

save me

Banana

I started to run out of ideas on what to trace with the laser.

what else?

Here, I just started to draw stuff. Lol

The following photos are just my failed attempts to draw a banana. Never really was able to draw a proper one.

The failed banana picture above reminded me of OwO and uwu so those two are the last ones.

OwO

uwu

Just a Change From the Current

I'm thinking of changing the URL of this blog. I don't even like the word "love". I'll do it within the week.

Just Two Dogs and a Cat

Our dog tried to kill our cat and our cat now has a bulging protruding left eye. I don't know if she's going to die.

Just a Poem Without a Resolution

I'm not trying to romanticize here
I just need a way to explain myself
I don't think I ever would be able to
You think I haven't tried
I have
People ask if I'm okay
I say no
They ask why
I can't say
Because there really isn't any reason to be not okay

Everything's great in life
Everything's going fine
I know other people have it worse
But how come the mind seeks destruction

How do I regain control
Why can't it see that there isn't really anything to be sad about
Why does it always seek for everything to already end

They ask why I don't talk about it
I wonder why too
There's nothing in particular going on that should be upsetting
So I could not speak what is nothing

How could I help myself
How could I help others
How could I change this mindset
How to be positive

Positive
The word annoys me so.




(Note: I didn't really cut myself. I wouldn't cut myself.)

Just Shit Art

Just Drew the Comic Idea I Had Three Months Ago

I was scrolling through past blogposts then I saw this post and I was feeling artsy so I put it into action. I'm not really good with comics. Lol

Just WikiHow

Just a Scene in The Office Made Me Remember Something

I just remembered a memory of when someone asked for the lollipop that was in my mouth and I gave it to them and they put it in their mouth. Weird flex, but alright.

Just Don't I Always?

☁😞☁☁☁☁😞☁
☁💧☁☁☁☁💧☁
🌂🌂😞😞😞😞🌂🌂
🌂😞🌂🌂🌂🌂😞🌂
I feel so sad

Just Looking Back From Where I Am Now

I can't be anyone's girlfriend because I might kill myself anytime and make them sad.

Just an Inhaler Nostalgia

I miss the taste and scent of my asthma inhaler from 13 years ago.

Just Keep It a Secret For As Long As You Can

Mom's gonna be upset if she finds out.

Just Smoky and Metallic

I just played the guitar and my fingertips smell like a mixture of smoke and metal now.

Just Got Home From My Walk

I walked for around 2 hours and 30 minutes. I saw a couple of slugs and a few earthworms. It's probably because it just rained. There were two abandoned kittens which reminded me of Bonnie and Clyde (see Just a Tale of Two Kitties). A couple of motorcycle drivers keep bugging me if I wanted a ride. Lol. There was also a smol froggy.

Just My Chemical Romance

MCR IS TEASING SOMETHING I'M GONNA CRY I THOUGHT EVERYTHING SUCKED BUT NOW IT DOESN'T SEEM BAD AFTER ALL.