Just the Second Night of Being Unmedicated

I mostly played Dota today. I wanted to do the laundry but the washer's broken. Kept giving the dc error. I'm struggling to fall asleep immediately. I just fantasized about my death. Sipping some chemical in the woods. Wondering if should I really or could I really do it to him. What would happen if I died in Germany. This has made the lack of will to live fantasies complicated. There's always the option of dying in the ocean so it would be my coffin. I finished listening to the audiobook of Flowers for Algernon last night. I cried so much. Thinking about it now is making me sad. I'm going to eat now.

Just Lots of Stuff

I've decided to stop going to therapy and this is the last week my meds will last. I'm unemployed and don't want to rely on other people anymore. I'm in a low mood now. I think part of it is from walking too much. Is 10,000 steps a day even okay? I feel weak and fatigued. My feet and hands feel cold. I hate the way I look. I wish I were skinnier.

I have to go back to church tomorrow because I didn't return as soon as possible and he couldn't find my baptism certificate anymore. Once I get it, it's only the passport pictures and the passport certificate left.

I lost a game of DOTA earlier. But I have been feeling like this for a while already, like, mild suicidal thoughts.

Maybe I should get checked. I know I have low blood pressure from the last few times I got vaccinated (they measured before injecting me). Anyway, it wouldn't be too bad if I died in my sleep from this, not that it's likely to happen.