Just Drew a New Profile Pic for Discord

Maybe I should make this my avatar for this blog, too. Idk. Maybe not.

Just Head Twitching

I wasn't able to sleep last night. Slept from 10am to 1pm instead. Slept from 7 pm up to now again. The right side of my head is twitching/spasming. I don't think it's serious. Why can't the universe just let me die already?

Just Felt Like Typing Whatever

I want to take a long ride on the bicycle right now. Been wanting to for a few months already. This pandemic is chill at first. It's subjective now, I guess. The urge to die doesn't go away. I forget about it at times. I don't like it when my brain reminds me. I don't like it when my mind wanders off to me thinking that it never gets better. A technique I've learned to negate bad thoughts is that when you start to notice that you're having it, you should redirect your thoughts to the things you like about yourself, or reflect on the things that happened during the day that you're happy about. It works, yeah. It doesn't work, too, though. The negative thoughts prevail, too.

It's been written that it's your mindset that's killing you. It's really hard to change it. They say that if you say something in a bad way, you should rephrase it to another way that changes the perspective of what you said. It feels like lying to yourself when it's like that, but it really isn't. It's the former that's lying to you, the bad ones, your brain lying to you thinking you're not enough. Then again when you rephrase it to a more positive note it doesn't feel right, like you're not being realistic. I don't know which one of them is real anymore.

I fucking hate myself. I don't know why this thought keeps coming in. I don't know how to rephrase it. I should redirect it right now: I love how intelligent I am that people want to be as intelligent as I am. (This doesn't feel good at all. It feels like I'm being conceited and now I feel worse.) I am beautiful and people tell me that from time to time. My skin is glowing and I am happy for that. (Fuck, okay I should not let the side thoughts get to me, but shit.) It's amazing how I can play a lot of instruments, and how much of a fast learner I am.

________________________

I'm chatting with someone on Discord. It broke this chain of thoughts now. I guess it helps me distract myself.

______________________

The conversation makes me want to smoke.

I guess I'll end this post for now.

Just Wanted to Sleep Early But My Brain Kept Bugging Me To Make This

Just that Sleeping Can Be Unpleasurable Too

Bad dream. ("Black Swan"-like)

Just a Question I Can't Ask Anybody Because None Can Relate

How should I update Daylio when I'm having a fucking mixed mood?

Just a Scene from a Movie I'm Watching Right Now

Just Looking at Possibilities

You know what, I need the serotonin. So why not?

Just Interactions with an Egghead

Wtf is wrong with me man haha im getting the serotonin i very much need from him and im putting effort on suppressing it

Just Another Nightmare

I had a nightmare again

Just Another Slightly Nightmarish Dream

I had another weird dream where I was forced to steal something so I'd be released. They helped me hide but I was caught so I ran.

Just Dreamt of Weird Stuff

A gore nightmare turned into a 2ne1 concert.

Just Clinging on to Something that Should Stop Me

It would be a waste of intelligence and talent if I killed myself.

Just... just.

I think 10 years of depression is enough.

Just Don't Know Why I'm Thinking This

I have a plan. It's not a good plan. It doesn't do anyone good. But I have a plan.

It will be on August 7. Before that date, I have to make sure my bicycle has aired tires. I should have a big plastic bag. I'll be wearing a mask, too. Decision should be final at August 6, 9 pm. By 1 am, I head out. Fuck the curfew. Oh yeah, don't forget your suicide note so people won't be left hanging.

I should go to a forest, or a tall grassy area, enough that could hide me. Somewhere with no people.  Make sure you have 3 pills. I don't care what pills as long as it makes you sleep.

Lie down after you've ingested the pills. Cover your whole head with the plastic bag and tie it around your neck. Good luck. You should be dead within a few minutes of dozing off. I hope this works.

Just a Visual of My Day (Only I Can Understand)