Just World Without End Reference

Maybe we'll be Caris and Merthin and things will be okay. Who am I kidding? XD This is real life. This isn't a book.

Still secretly hoping that this is all just a dream and I'd wake up as a four-year old, though. It's the same feeling during my first psychotic episode days. Lmao "This can't be real. You have to be kidding me. It's gonna be the same tomorrow and the next day and the next day. There's no escape."

Bah.

Just Stop Thinking About These Kinds of Stuff, Self

I feel like the world is telling me that I don't deserve happiness. When I got my shit together, all the disastrous news just come out all at once. Like there's a cause-effect shit going on. When I'm depressed, everything around me is just chill. This first month of this year has just been, chaotic. My personal life, not so much. Well, I still got a mental thing going on, but socially, nah. I've been doing chores, and my room is spick and span.

This is just my psychotic thoughts going at it again. I know there isn't a correlation between the disasters and my highs/lows.

Just Hair Fall

I'm losing a lot of hair and it's alarming me.

Just Corona

Okay, the virus really is bad and it's just starting to worry me now. Anxious, to be honest, because I just remembered how Ken Follett's World Without End described the black plague and it was really bad.  After seeing the tweets on Twitter, I got nervous. Right now, I could hear my heart beat in my ears. Lmao.

Just Tried to Sleep but I Couldn't and Then I Suddenly Cried for No Reason So I Got Up and Drew This

Just Stay for a Little While, or Maybe Even Longer Than That

You never told me that I was different. Other guys I meet say the same things, same lines. I was tired of that, but you did not. You never mentioned about how I was so different from others, and I like you for that. Maybe it is my turn to say that line. You're different, Blueberry, from the rest of them. I hope you would stay for a little while, maybe even a little longer than that.

Just that I'm in Bed and that I Should Get Up Soon Even Though I Lack Sleep

It feels as if that I could die any time soon. My intuition can be on point at times. I feel it is very dangerous to be on peak, and that I'd go nosedive once my brain decides that it has had enough of the lack of oxygen from being too up high, and I keep thinking of Finch from All the Bright Places. What if we share the same fate? Ugh, it's starting again. Back then, I felt a book was written about me, fucking psychosis. Stop thinking too much goddammit.

Just Confirmed I Have Bipolar II

I am not my label.

Just Odd

You know what kind of numbers I like? Odd ones. You can't divide them by two, can't be separated evenly, like how it is like in the world, like how life is unfair. My birth date is an odd number. I like 7. Seven is an odd number. 1 is an odd number. I like 1. He's singular. Alone. Odd numbers can be a prime number, too. Even numbers can never be prime. Two is shit. I don't know. I just really like odd numbers.

Just a New Good Habit

It has become a habit of mine to wash the dishes every time I'm done eating now because the sense of achievement I get from getting all the clean plates makes me feel less dead inside.

Just Something About the Sun and Moon. Whatever.

Remember when we both saw the solar eclipse? That rarely happens. We barely knew each other. Everyone talks about watching the same moon while being far away; but an eclipse? One in a hundred. I could say one in a million, but nah, eclipses are not that rare, and we are not that special.

We do not know that much about each other yet. However, here I am, writing about an eclipse, about how the sun and moon met, during the day, when everything was bright, that it could blind thousands of people if they watched for too long, how it could be a metaphor of how we met, that if people looked, it would hurt their eyes, that when they looked closely, it is actually heartwarming.

How the universe conspired for them to meet. Cliché, I know. Is it bad to dream?

How it was cloudy during that day, that maybe the sky did not want us to see them together, did not want us to see the moon take most of the sun's light away, did not want us to see the beauty of it all.

That after it happened, that if you looked to the other side of the sky, you would see that it was all blue. That on one side where the celestial affair unfolded, was all grey.

Blueberry, I want to know you more. I have it bad. I do not like writing this, but all of this, demands to be written out. It is an itch in my mind. It is out here now. It wants to take a visual form, wants to be seen by everyone. I thought the artist in me died. It looks like it faked its death and now it wants to have some fun. It is toying with me and I do not like it one bit. It is your fault.

I will just have to see you in the next eclipse, then, when the sun and moon would meet again.

Just a Little Rant Coming From What Happened Last Saturday

I'm not sure if the viewers in my stats are just bots or actual people reading my blog. Don't get me wrong, I don't need a lot of people viewing my blog. I just created this to keep track of my thoughts and I also needed an outlet every time I feel like shit.

Social anxiety sucks. Ruins a lot of stuff. Past trauma and genetics that brought it up has destroyed my ability to socialize. My verbal communication skills are fucked up. I'm afraid that people will get tired of adjusting for me. I'm trying hard to improve. Being someone who got 96% introversion for their personality test, I would need more effort. Unless I drink every time I go out, I don't think I'd stop being mute. It also sucks that I get drained fast when I'm socializing. It makes me more quiet than I already am being.

I just want to say this. If you're a parent, you should talk to your kids often so it wouldn't be a problem growing up. But then again, they probably did, and I was just really shy. Was I really just shy or was I already an anxiety-ridden kid? Fuck. Also, if you have a younger sibling, be nice to them so they wouldn't feel like shit, like they wouldn't feel like you didn't really want them to exist, that they feel really bad for existing or for being born.

Just Want Some Razors

Fuck, I can't deal with any type of emotion (positive or negative ones). I'm so used to suppressing them, fuck. I can't handle it. I want to cut myself.

Just the Bane of Having a Mental Illness

My brain has a knack for ruining everything when things are going great.

Just My New Avatar 4

Just thought that I should update my profile picture since the one I've been using is not updated. It was from when I cut my very long hair to very short back in 2017.

Before

After

Just Forgot to Add a Title Before Posting It and Here I Am Editing One In

I just woke up from this very strange dream.

First thing that happened was that I was at our kanto waiting for a jeep. This girl came and sighed. I noticed that it was a smoky breath, like it was too cold or something. I tried blowing, and there it was, a white smoke. Girl mentioned that there is actually happening. I said yeah, the fires in Australia. Climate change. Global warming. I looked across the street and saw the road was blocked. I wondered why, and asked the girl, but I answered the question myself as I saw there was a motorcade happening on the other side of the road.. Then I saw a small tornado form. I told the girl this but it disappeared. Another one formed, and another one, and another one. Then a tornado made of coiled steel formed, flew to the right. Turns out a guy was throwing wires in the air and the wire would coil in to a tornado. But there are a lot of real  tornadoes still forming. Then the ground started to move and everyone was panicking. The world is ending.

Just Enough of Black and White and Grey

I'm thinking that this blog needs more color.

Just More Dogs

The two puppies that we thought that were already gone resurrected from the dead.