Just Maybe a Bit Hormonal

I wanted to send this to a Discord server dedicated to what goes on in people's minds. I couldn't, so I'll just write it all here, as usual. Maybe I'll change my mind and paste it all there. Who knows?

I don't like feeling this. It's a constant thing. It goes away; it comes back. I should go to therapy but my past experiences with therapy sometimes works and sometimes doesn't. Most of the time it didn't. I should take medication but the side effects make it worse. I'm used to doing it like this, even if I suffer. I don't like how it's expensive, either.

Now I'm doing one of my coping mechanisms. Writing. I choose from a cesspool of activities I find myself I could engage to. Because what else could I do when the monster likes to eat up my enjoyment for things? It is: to make more things to choose from so I wouldn't run out.

I've been around for a while that my brain knows already but it still just can't figure it out. Why does it always have to be like this? Why should it always cycle? Why is it going to be with me for the rest of my life? Why do the lows have to be low- very fucking low? Why can't they be the normal amount? Why are the high highs less there? Why are they fleeting? If God is so perfect, why does this happen? It hurts. Making an effort to breathe hurts. 

I'm not sure how to conclude this, really. It's a usual habit of mine to be awkward and maybe just end the wall of text like this. 

Just Today's Few Events

 I took a removal exam because I failed on the first try. I partially used ctrl f function to find the answers for that and I felt like I was going to get a perfect score so I thought I should make a couple of wrong answers on purpose so it wouldn't seem that I cheated. On the removal exam I did the same thing and my score only increased two points and still failed. I hate my life.

I tried to watch Euphoria so I wouldn't think about it and get depressed. I cried on the third episode. It was a good diatraction. I tried to sleep after watching but I couldn't because I was feeling depressed and was fantasizing about my death. I got up now. I'm just waiting for my sleeping tea to cool so I could drink it and them hopefully I'd be able to sleep after.