Just a Line From a Song

If you kiss me good night, I'll know everything is alright.

Just Resisting

Why do I have the urge to smoke right now?

Just a Mirror Selfie Drawing

Just Wrote Song Lyrics on My Arm Last Night

YOU CAN WRITE IT ON YOUR ARM.

Ps. I felt like dissociating last night so I slept it off. I still feel a bit of it right now. Help. Jk. I'm good. Hehehehe.

Just Preventing Small Chaos

This past month I see to it that I make my bed everyday when I wake up because I'm starting to think that if one thing in my life starts becoming messy, the rest will follow like a landslide.

Just Reactivation within a Day

I reactivated Facebook because I was at a family gathering and I needed to appease my social anxiety.

Just Someone Writing a Haiku

A friend from Discord platonically wrote haikus for me.

Self sustaining fruit
Banana ripe from the tree
Does not require love

No lover since birth
Cringe in the sight of romance
Alone forever

Just Bad Holiday Blues Timing

I deactivated Facebook again. I think I'm going to make it a thing to deactivate my account every time I feel an ounce of shittiness.

Just Jinxed

Welp, I've had a bit of "I wanna die thought" a few times, which ends the streak of 0 suicidal thoughts for the past weeks. I just try to shut them off every time they come in because I'm still trying to keep my shit together. Why do I always get jinxed when I declare stuff? This is why I rarely share things I don't want to ruin.

Just that They're Back and I Feel Like a Spark Long Lost Has Been Rekindled

I saw this post from MCR in YouTube and this particular comment from Nathan with the doge profile pic has said it in words, the thoughts I had about them returning. My heart is full.

Just Fueled by Coffee at Noon

Idk I've been suicidal for 11 months in 2019 (even long before that, lol) but come late November and this past month I've mostly got 0 suicidal thoughts every day. I have not believed in "Things will get better" or other motivational quotes for a long time and I will not go back to that. I'm still nihilistic. I just... have to get my shit together, snap out of it or some sort. I got 'em together. I'm trying to keep 'em together. I still don't (I don't think I even will) have a long term goal. I've made lists, though, a schedule of some sort, to keep me occupied, for distraction. Short term goals if you may say. Oh boy, they work. I get a sense of fulfillment when I've done a task.

Looking at what I have written down so far, it all sounds pathetic (at least in my own point of view of how pathetic I am), especially the sense of fulfillment part. Sheesh.

Anyway, the year is ending. The decade is ending. My best year of the decade goes to 2012. Worst year is 2014. Gahd. 2014. I... Hngh...

No expectations for 2020, like how there hasn't been any for the past years. Anything unpredictable could happen. Best to have an open mind. I like spontaneity. You get to adjust accordingly. If you ask me what I want, well, am I still even allowed to want anything at this point?

Just a Message I Wrote Her Two Weeks Ago

Yeah I don't really keep myself updated with the news because I already know how shitty and corrupted people can be. The truth comes out in the end, maybe a hundred years later. There are also times that it will never come out and that could be frustrating. You can't really stop evil people from doing bad things. It's a bummer. We shouldn't really accept that. Can we do anything? We always wish we could. We probably could. We wish we knew how. At the end of the day, we go on about our daily lives and the news would end up forgotten. It will be sad, yes. We never got over Ghajini, yes. Tragedies make good stories, yeah. It just hurts to deal with the emotion that comes with a good story.

Her response: what the heck was that lmao

Just a Month of Entries

I ran out of pages from my journal yesterday. Today, I'm going to start writing on another notebook. It probably won't last long either.

Just a Declaration

I'm gonna say it. I'm done with my suicidal phase. Will it come back? Who knows? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Just a Kind of Sad Episode

I just watched ep 11 seas 4 of BoJack Horseman and I'm crying right now.

Just a Message to Notebook Hoarders

To all notebook hoarders out there, you should probably already start using your blank notebooks, because once you start writing, you can't really stop. Well, at least in my case. It has only been 25 days and I have already almost filled this journal.

Between the pinky and ring finger are pre-printed texts included in the journal; Between the ring finger and middle finger are the pages I have already written on; and between the middle finger and the pointer finger are the remaining pages I have yet to write on.

It's probably not the same for everyone because I have a lot of free time now that I'm unemployed, so I get to write more. But yeah, this is a sign that you should start using your blank notebooks if you're a notebook hoarder like me.

Just Going to Sleep First Before Writing Down My Day

Too tired to write a proper update. But I went to Gene's dad's wake.

Just Piano Accompaniment Practice

Focused on music the whole day. Took almost 3 hours to change the notes into words because I'm weak when it comes to reading scales. See below for reference.

When I was done, I tried to play everything on the piano. Took 6 hours (with breaks of course. I'd go insane without 'em). I'm done now and I don't think I could play it very well. Lol

Just My Day Today, Wednesday

Update for today? I already wrote a lot about it on my journal. A bit tired to write another one here.

Ps. Didn't do art as it was supposed to be originally scheduled today.

Just PLDC

Internet's so slow. My gahd.

Just Keeping Shit Together

I thought of updating this blog with a post saying "I haven't felt shitty in a while. This is great!" but it got jinxed last night and I was not able to do that anymore. Lol Keeping your shit together is hard, man, if you focus your attention to it. I shouldn't even think about it. Shit should be able to keep themselves together by their own, like, naturally. I'm trying not to be a sad little fuck. Yesterday morning, I actually said "Good morning" to myself. It was nice. I don't know what happened later in the day that made the day turn 180. It wasn't that bad, but I shouldn't have random sad spurts if I wanna keep the good vibes up.

Anyway, I slept at 8 pm and woke up at 4 am. Listened to some music, and I was starting to feel all over again. I'm like, channel this energy unto something else, please. And my mind was floating and was imagining this art idea, so I decided to act on it immediately before the idea disappears. You have no idea how many ideas came into my mind that got wasted because I was too lazy or thought I'd do it someday but not now and end up forgotten in the end.

Just Some Photos I Want to Upload

The moon, Jupiter, and Venus

Mah room

Shower drawing

Look how cute they are

She' so cute #nohomo

They're cuddling lol

Guarding dogs

Sylvia aka Woo-woo

Mom's plants

Mom's cacti and mangosteen peels

I suck at darts

Joyper aka Duy-duy/Magic

Lil' Banana's finally home

Lil' Banana looks good in her place in my room

Just Visitation from Her

Shiloh saw my house and room. I am satisfied.

Just Hoping for a Permanent Fix

I was a bit productive today. I wish I trimmed my bangs, though. Please, self, do it tomorrow, please.

I got my bed fixed yesterday. I just hope it's not temporary. I'm sick of it always breaking.

Just Writing Down That One Panic Attack From Five Years Ago That Keeps Flashing Back So I Could Get It Over With

I felt like floating away...

Everything... seems unreal... I look down, and the ground is there, I feel it below my legs, but I don't feel anchored at all.

My state of mind is off. This isn't right. People are in front of me. My eyes are looking at something else. They are looking at my thoughts, inside my mind. That is the problem. My physical surroundings are so far from me, even if they're right in front of me.

I look to my classmates beside me. They sense something's wrong. They ask what it is. I don't know what it is (I didn't know it was a panic attack). I suddenly cry. They ask why I am crying. I then laugh nervously because I do not want them to think I am sad. I am not sad, but I feel like crying.

The gymnasium is so big... I feel like I can't breathe. I can breathe fine, though. I have to get out. I need to get out.

My classmates look worried. No, I don't want them to worry. I'm fine. Nothing's wrong. What is happening with me? What is this? Everything is so numb. Am I alive? What the fuck?

My classmates grab my arms and guide me to our teacher and ask her if they can take me to the nurse. Teacher says yes. While all this is happening, I keep digging my nails on my arms to keep me conscious. It feels like I'm going to black out. I have not experienced blacking out ever in my life.

Keep calm, damn it! We're out of the gym now. I'm at the nurse's. My classmates leave. The nurse asks me what's wrong. I cry, then laugh it off because there's nothing really to cry about. She asks if I would like to talk to a guidance counselor. I say sure. I keep digging my nails on my arms. The "student shrink" arrives. She asks what's wrong. I say I think I'm losing touch with reality...

I calm down after a while. I go back to the gymnasium. Everyone is on the bleachers. I go to where my class is. Friends ask me what happened. I laugh them off. One of them saw my arms and asks what happened to them and why they're red. I look at my arms, nail marks. I have not noticed this previously. They have not hurt while I was digging my nails earlier. Have I dug them to deep that they would leave marks? I ignored her question and I feel a dread welling up. They think I'm trying to kill myself. I'm not. This is what I told the guidance counselor earlier, that I am not suicidal.

Fuck, I am starting to panic again. Thank God that it's already time to go home.

I go home and sleep everything off,
for now.

Just Wish Things Were Easier

I didn't do anything productive today and yesterday. I don't know how I'll be able to fix my bed permanently. Why do things have to break? I want to ride my bike to reach my weight goal. However, I also don't want to ride my bike because it involves going outside.

Just Nice Hand-Holding

I had a dream you held my hand.
It felt nice.
Too bad you don't really think of me that way.
Don't get me wrong, the feeling is mutual,
but the way my hand was held really felt nice.

Just a Bit Frustrated

Just when you think everything is going great, your bed breaks for the hundredth time, you get a lot of scars and bruises, and you end up feeling like shit again. But nah, it's just a "mindset" and you shouldn't let that upset you. Fuck that.

Just Taking Back What I Said

I know I said I'm gonna change the URL of this blog but I'm too lazy to do that now.

Just Snot-Faced

I just remembered this vague memory of when I was four years old and mom brought me to work because there isn't anyone to babysit me. So we were sitting in front of her class and her students were looking at me. My nose was dripping with mucus. Back then, I kind of liked the taste of snot and boogers. Gross, I know. I don't anymore, okay? Anyway, back to the class. So, her students were looking at me having mucus dripping from my nose. They told mom about this but my mom didn't bother and just kept on doing whatever she was doing. Like I said, I liked snot, so I sucked all the mucus that was above my lips with my mouth, and then the students' horrified faces were so in sync I thought it was funny. They were shouting to my mom that all of the mucus was going to my mouth, unaware that I was trying to eat it. In the end, I wiped it all myself with a cloth because I thought maybe it was as bad as they seemed it to be.

Just Kind of a Productive Week

I feel like this has been my most productive week this year. The linens have been washed. The "carpet" is cleaner than it was before. Quotes on the "carpet" since it really is just a comforter on the floor. The vomit stain from 7 months ago is gone.

It looks like I ain't dying any time soon so I've filled my white board with stuff like a schedule and some lists. Kind of like mini-goals so if I find myself with nothing to do, I work on them. Or if I'm in a depressed mood, I'd channel my energy unto those stuff for distraction.

Just Fun With a Laser and Slow Shutter

I bought new batteries last week for my laser and had fun with it with the slow shutter mode in my phone camera.

Hello

Lana Slaybell

lasers are fun.

save me

Banana

I started to run out of ideas on what to trace with the laser.

what else?

Here, I just started to draw stuff. Lol

The following photos are just my failed attempts to draw a banana. Never really was able to draw a proper one.

The failed banana picture above reminded me of OwO and uwu so those two are the last ones.

OwO

uwu

Just a Change From the Current

I'm thinking of changing the URL of this blog. I don't even like the word "love". I'll do it within the week.

Just Two Dogs and a Cat

Our dog tried to kill our cat and our cat now has a bulging protruding left eye. I don't know if she's going to die.

Just a Poem Without a Resolution

I'm not trying to romanticize here
I just need a way to explain myself
I don't think I ever would be able to
You think I haven't tried
I have
People ask if I'm okay
I say no
They ask why
I can't say
Because there really isn't any reason to be not okay

Everything's great in life
Everything's going fine
I know other people have it worse
But how come the mind seeks destruction

How do I regain control
Why can't it see that there isn't really anything to be sad about
Why does it always seek for everything to already end

They ask why I don't talk about it
I wonder why too
There's nothing in particular going on that should be upsetting
So I could not speak what is nothing

How could I help myself
How could I help others
How could I change this mindset
How to be positive

Positive
The word annoys me so.




(Note: I didn't really cut myself. I wouldn't cut myself.)

Just Shit Art

Just Drew the Comic Idea I Had Three Months Ago

I was scrolling through past blogposts then I saw this post and I was feeling artsy so I put it into action. I'm not really good with comics. Lol

Just WikiHow

Just a Scene in The Office Made Me Remember Something

I just remembered a memory of when someone asked for the lollipop that was in my mouth and I gave it to them and they put it in their mouth. Weird flex, but alright.

Just Don't I Always?

☁😞☁☁☁☁😞☁
☁💧☁☁☁☁💧☁
🌂🌂😞😞😞😞🌂🌂
🌂😞🌂🌂🌂🌂😞🌂
I feel so sad

Just Looking Back From Where I Am Now

I can't be anyone's girlfriend because I might kill myself anytime and make them sad.

Just an Inhaler Nostalgia

I miss the taste and scent of my asthma inhaler from 13 years ago.

Just Keep It a Secret For As Long As You Can

Mom's gonna be upset if she finds out.

Just Smoky and Metallic

I just played the guitar and my fingertips smell like a mixture of smoke and metal now.

Just Got Home From My Walk

I walked for around 2 hours and 30 minutes. I saw a couple of slugs and a few earthworms. It's probably because it just rained. There were two abandoned kittens which reminded me of Bonnie and Clyde (see Just a Tale of Two Kitties). A couple of motorcycle drivers keep bugging me if I wanted a ride. Lol. There was also a smol froggy.

Just My Chemical Romance

MCR IS TEASING SOMETHING I'M GONNA CRY I THOUGHT EVERYTHING SUCKED BUT NOW IT DOESN'T SEEM BAD AFTER ALL.

Just Feeling Guilty Because of Eating

I ate quite a lot today and I feel some guilt building up inside me that's being deposited in my arms, thighs and belly.

Just the Schedule in My Calendar Last June, July, and August

Just a Warm Up Sketch Gone Wrong

Just Not a Vegetarian

I can't not be a meat eater under this household.

Just Maybe Time Part 2

I'm updating the "maybe it's time to be a vegetarian" to "I'm vegetarian except on Fridays." I know how stupid this sounds but transition takes time.

Just Not Loving My Body as Opposed to What Everyone is Saying That People Should Do

I'm so fat and insecure I wish I were skinny I find myself always checking the nutrition facts wtf pardon my run on sentences I'm trying to show how I'm feeling and how fast my thoughts are by doing this.

Just Maybe Time

Maybe it's time to be a vegetarian.

Just Projection

Why am I psychologically projecting myself against my own will?

Just Imagining if All These Centavos I Have are Pesos

When will Philippine currency regain its strength, man?

Just Tried to Post This When I Woke Up Earlier but I Fell Asleep Again While Holding My Phone

WTF WAS THAT DREAM?!

I dreamed that a part of my lungs went to my mouth and had to be operated to get it back to where it belonged.

Just Why Did I Do This

The smell of nicotine still lingers on my fingers even after I washed them.

Just Past the Deadline

Our dog won't eat bananas but they would eat "pinaypay".


Oh yeah, it's October now. I'm past the deadline I gave myself.

Just Lysol

My room smells like Lysol now. Also, the kitty's dead. So my cat shat in my room for nothing.

Just Cupping Them Cheeks

*cups cheeks*
stop feeling shitty all the time.

Just Got It Done

I finally cleaned that moldy trash bin I puked in 5 months ago.

Just Nauseating Stench

My room still smells like cat shit.

Just Excess that's Not Enough

Have you ever had problems from having too much money? I'm not complaining, though. It's just that I tried to have my clearance signed earlier since I have already resigned. But before everything's settled, my ATM card has to be surrendered. Before I do that, I have to empty it first. Turns out, you could only withdraw Php50k per day, and I still have 20k left. I have to return tomorrow to be able to withdraw again. So yeah, first world problems? It's ironic because I don't even have that much to survive for 20 more years, not that I'm planning to live that long. what.

Just Graduation Goggles

Yesterday was my last day of work from my first job. On Monday, I don't have to wake up with an alarm clock anymore. I'm still having a case of Graduation Goggles (a How I Met Your Mother reference. Look it up) I'll get over it after a couple days. I feel bad for leaving now but it must be done. I couldn't take it anymore. I'm surely gonna miss them, though. Hnnnnggghhh...

Just Tend to Give Up

I tend to quit when people get too dependent or when they rely on me too much.

Just Something Wrong with a Lot of Things

My ear is itchy and scaly and I want to scratch it but it would get inflamed like the last time and it's an agony. My lip is busted and I don't know what's wrong with it. It looks like it got burnt but I didn't get in contact with anything too hot. It started to feel weird after eating that tuna fish. I'm not normally allergic to fish. My ingrown toenail hurts and I want to get rid of it but if I do my nail would die again like the last time. It took a whole year to grow back and I'm gonna kill it again if I try to tinker it with the pusher again.

Just Hnnngggghhhhhh

Me: *about to do this thing*
Mom: Do this other thing.
Me: *Does the other thing*
Mom: Do this thing you were about to do earlier.
Me: Hnnngggghhhhhh

Just a Chipped Earhole

I keep pulling these flakes up from my earhole. What do they indicate?

Just a Durian Story

Side note:

I saw around 5-8 dogs cross the street together using the pedestrian line. If that wasn't adorable, I don't know what was.