Just Posting Before New Year

Eyyo I'm still aliiiive. Haha

Just Why Am I

Why am I depressed? What's there to be depressed about? A lot of people have it worse. I'm a shitty person.

Just My Comfort Song

Remembering Sunday by All Time Low has now become my comfort song. The melody soothes my insides when I'm feeling shitty. It's more of the melody than the lyrics, but here are the lyrics:

He woke up from dreaming and put on his shoes
Started making his way past 2 in the morning
He hasn't been sober for days

Leaning now into the breeze
Remembering Sunday, he falls to his knees
They had breakfast together
But two eggs don't last
Like the feeling of what he needs

Now this place seems familiar to him
She pulled on his hand with a devilish grin
She led him upstairs, she led him upstairs
Left him dying to get in

Forgive me, I'm trying to find
My calling, I'm calling at night
I don't mean to be a bother,
But have you seen this girl?
She's been running through my dreams
And it's driving me crazy, it seems
I'm going to ask her to marry me

Even though she doesn't believe in love,
He's determined to call her bluff
Who could deny these butterflies?
They're filling his gut

Waking the neighbors, unfamiliar faces
He pleads though he tries
But he's only denied
Now he's dying to get inside

Forgive me, I'm trying to find
My calling, I'm calling at night
I don't mean to be a bother,
But have you seen this girl?
She's been running through my dreams
And it's driving me crazy, it seems
I'm going to ask her to marry me

The neighbors said she moved away
Funny how it rained all day
I didn't think much of it then
But it's starting to all make sense
Oh, I can see now that all of these clouds
Are following me in my desperate endeavor
To find my whoever, wherever she may be

I'm not coming back (forgive me)
I've done something so terrible
I'm terrified to speak (I'm not calling, I'm not calling)
But you'd expect that from me
I'm mixed up, I'll be blunt, now the rain is just (You're driving me crazy, I'm)
Washing you out of my hair and out of my mind
Keeping an eye on the world,
From so many thousands of feet off the ground, I'm over you now
I'm at home in the clouds, and towering over your head

Well I guess I'll go home now
I guess I'll go home now
I guess I'll go home now
I guess I'll go home

Just Typed This on Notepad and Not Correcting the Errors

Some things in life are like lemons.
They don't make sense.
Why lemons?
I just thought of  a random word. Lemons actually make some sense.
I don't know, man. I just...

Okay, so here's the thing...
I want to end it all. I've been thinking this for a long time.
And I don't know why i just wouldn't and couldn't do it.
I have been there to the point where I actually tried but not succeeded.
What am I doing...

I can't do shit. I do every shit but they mean nothing.
Why can't i find meaning in life
Why am I asking these kind of questions anyway
They're just going to make me feel down.

I'm writing this while there are people around me who i can talk to about this.
Still I choose to write it here, alone, in my thoughts. I don't think they could relate anyway.
Thoughts are very dangerous entities. Thoughts start every disaster that happens.
How do I make them stop? I can't. I wouldn't be human if I didn't have any thoughts.

Just Nothing Going On

I have nothing going on right now. I'm bored at work. I'm sleepy. I'm writing this blog while at work. I'll get in trouble if someone finds out.

Just Remembered Something

I'm sorry for the things I said when I lost my mind.

Just an Impulse?

I just tried smoking a whole cigarette stick.

Just Dangerous Posting Right Now

I know this might be taken against me for posting here, but I drew using MS Paint while waiting for my shift to end.

Just Loving You

I know I don't get a lot of readers here, but I love you guys.

Just Luck and Rain

The one time I said "Fuck it" and didn't bring an umbrella, rained really hard.

Just a Banana Suit

I'm at the office right now and it's Halloween in the US and I'm wearing a banana suit.

Just Early

I'm an hour early for my shift. I want to start already, but too lazy, so I'm just gonna wait for an hour to start things. Maybe things will pile up by then but who cares. I still get paid the same whether I work hard or not. I'm not the only agent here. So yeah.

I want to sleep in the nap room but all the lower bunk beds are full. I have to climb to the upper bunks to be able to lie down. I don't want to do that because I'm wearing a short skirt with my tight upper banana top.

It's not even 9 pm yet. Shift starts at 10. AAsaASDfaASdadssa.

Just Fine

I feel fine now. Thank God I can say this now.

Just Got Back to Where I Used to Go

Went to the shrink at my own will. Had to spend a lot of money. I used to have a lot of money as an excess for four months now, but now it's all spent on my psych needs. It's still not a problem though. As a kid, I didn't like the thought of people having monetary problems, adults fighting about the lack of some paper that has temporary value. Anyway, I don't know if my tiredness is from the mood stabilizer that I'm taking. I don't know what to think right now.

Just Fiery

There's a fire in the pit of my stomach that wants to combust.
It wants to come out through my mouth and spread around my lips.
It wants to burn it comes in contact with;
wants to ignite what's been dormant for so long.
I want to release this blazing inferno,
until everything is scattered into ashes.

Just the End of September and Beginning of October

Oh man, within two weeks I've fought with a co worker, another one made me cry (hormones had a big role in this), made my team lead and her bf fight, and now our lovely manager is leaving our account (in a fort night, though) which made me cry earlier (again, I blame hormones) when she announced it. I thought I can't cry anymore, or at least I don't. Turns out I can and I do. Maybe all the suppressed emotions are starting to explode in one single motion.

Last week, I went to the hospital to set an appointment with a shrink, which would be on the 16th. I don't know how long I'll last at this rate without going to one. "Ber" months seem to be my relapse months. I need to officially know what my behavior is. I need to know how mentally ill I am.

I don't really feel so good, tbh. I feel like I could jump off from the bridge that I pass by to work at any moment. I keep saying out loud suicidal jokes. My coworkers haven't noticed yet. Or maybe they have. I feel like crying again.

Just Hate Myself

>writes a post about killing self in 2015, saying that it's only a joke, assuring people that you wouldn't actually do it. A year later (2016), attempts to actually do it. Fuck myself. Haha

Just Not Feeling Good

I feel like I'm heading towards a relapse.

Just Too Many of Them

Dumb people should stop passing on their dumb genes.

Just a Gross Thought

I need a really good "lamutak" right now.

Just Really Competitive

I'm really competitive and it causes me a lot of pain.

Just Not Popular

Nobody reads this blog which actually makes it great. I don't need a lot of people know what's going on in my head.

Just a Murderous Thought

Maybe I should make a list of all the people I want to kill and actually go on a killing spree when I'm in the mood for it.

Just Lost a Match and Maybe This Post Comes from the Aftermath of Losing

Have you ever had that feeling where you want to talk to someone but you don't even know what to talk about? I don't even know who should I talk to right now at 4 in the morning. Everyone is asleep. There are a few who are online but none of them are close to me.

How come we are allowed to be depressed? Why is it part of human anatomy? How are we allowed to experience unpleasant things when it would kill us? Wouldn't it be better if we didn't get to feel pain, or get sick? Why are antagonists meant to exist? Why can't we all be good people? Is peace really possible? Everything has so many flaws. I'm sorry for thinking this way but why has God allowed this to happen? I roll my eyes to those who actually say that phrase. I can't believe I'm saying this now. Don't get me wrong. I still love God, and believe in Him. I just don't know how I feel about that, when my thoughts are contradicting.

What is leading me to have all these thoughts? Can it be addressed so they would be stopped? I don't like this feeling at all. I don't think anyone would. I don't have any companions to say all this to. This blog is my only refuge.

Even then, I still wouldn't feel good after typing this all down. Even if I DO get to say all this to somebody, I don't think I would feel better. Maybe I would even get afterthoughts like, "Maybe I shouldn't have said something. I let them know a part of me." And then I would go to sleep, and I wake up. Sometimes I feel better when I wake up; sometimes I don't.

My room is a mess. Maybe it represents my mental state. I want to clean it up. I'm too lazy to do so.

I want to finish reading that book I borrowed from Ian. I'm just not there.

I don't want to admit I'm lonely, because I'm not. It's pathetic being so. I like being alone. I don't like physical contact. It's gross.

I find it funny when people say that they are weird but when they get to meet me they don't even match the standards of weird.

Ahh.

Just a Mutual Understanding

The other day, a co-worker was wearing headphones and was singing Amnesia by 5SOS loudly and in out of tune. Both my seatmate and I looked at each other and then at her. We seemed to silently have an agreement. We simultaneously wore each of our own headphones to ease our annoyance with the other coworker instead of just telling her to shut up.

Just What Happened a Few Days Ago

-sneezes 3 times
-wonders why
-looks behind me
-sees co-worker applying makeup primer

Huh...

Just that Art Can Be Really Therapeutic

Just Don't Like What's Happening

I think I have a crush on my coworker. I say "I think" because I use my head more. I would like to stare, but I don't. However, when I do, I use a reflective object so it wouldn't be obvious. I'm so hopeless. I don't like being smitten. Funny how my physicality acts oppositely with my mentality.

Just Cuticle Pulling

I think it's becoming a habit of mine, pulling my hangnails. This day I've pulled one from my left pinky. It kinda stings now. I think it's the fourth one this month. Maybe I should start bringing nail clippers from now on.

Just a Cancelled Plan

Today is July 25, 2018.

At the beginning of the year, I chose this date because it did not have any significance. People wouldn't expect it. It is just a random date of the calendar, a normal day, a day when everyone does whatever it is they do. Some might have birthdays or anniversaries to celebrate, but none of them are significant people that I know of.

I wondered how I should do it. Random thoughts would pop in as I'm lying down, walking, closing my eyes, eating, drawing, waking up, or just chilling. How would I do it that it would be poetic and unique? I thought of the aftermath, the image, the consequence, when I should do it, how I would look like once I do it.

A lot have done it in the past year, or even the previous years. I wondered how they got to do it before me. I guess they are braver, or lost all the sense of braveness.

I chose this date because I wanted to know how this year would turn out. I would live half of the year, and not anymore in the other half.

I still want to do it. The day is not over.

However,

Two days ago, someone asked me how I was doing. I did not tell her I was okay. I did not tell her I was not, either. I just told her I got a job. I did not lie; I told the truth, but I did not tell her what I really wanted to say. It may be just coincidence, but I do not want her to have any regrets if I actually do it. I do not want her thinking, "Oh my god, I asked her how she was. I should have tried harder. I could have done something." Sad posts, sad tweets, mourning. Maybe I should wait a little longer until she forgets what happened, that she tried to catch up with me.

Yesterday, my best friend replied to my chat about some nonsense YouTube video, apologizing, that she could not be that active online, saying that everything was a hurricane, and I told her that it was okay, that I understand, that she has a low maintenance bff. In which she jokingly replied with "*2 weeks later jema dies from 'accidental' medicine ingestion". I wanted to tell her that she was two weeks late, that the plan was actually today. I did not tell her. It would terrify her. I could not do it to her.

Today, I landed on an account. It is good news. I could not do it to my new team. They would not get the bonus if I died. The rule was to not have any attrition for a year.

I guess that is it. When you are truly feeling suicidal, you would not be able to think about these things. You would not care about how it would affect anyone. All there is is apathy. But I did. I thought; I always thought. Maybe in the past months I did not. Now, it is different. I am postponing it.

Let me tell you of my methods, though, the options, what my imagination led me to:

1. I thought of drowning, jumping into the river or sea. I would not tell anyone that I would be going anywhere. I would just be missing. My body will never be found. No funerals would be held.

2. Go to a forest. Well, not really a forest. A place where the grass is tall, a lot of trees and shrubs. Take some poisonous substance, bleach, muriatic acid, anything. Or maybe a lot of pills. Find a place there where your body could rot. Far away from discovery. Die there. You would be part of nature, part of the trees, be one with the soil.

3. Gunshot. Which is less likely. I don't know how and where to acquire a gun.

4. Lethal injection. I don't think it is that painful.

I still want to die. I still hope I get gravely sick so I would not get to kill myself anymore. I thought of seeing a therapist today if I actually plan of doing it. I have not posted much negative posts in this blog recently so you would not suspect me of doing it today, that you would not think I have killed myself when I do not post here anymore. Well here are all my thoughts now. Writing is a great coping mechanism.

Just Manually Removed a Hangnail

Just a Little Bad Luck

My phone fell in the toilet earlier and I think this is a sign that I won't be endorsed to the account I got interviewed for. Pareidolia. I still hope I'd land in the account.

Just Being Cheesy

Maybe I'll find someone someday. He would be the one worth living for.
I'd be in love and be proud to say it; I won't be disgusted.
He would be the cure; his presence I'd crave.
I wouldn't be afraid to say "I love you" everyday.
He'll help me turn my life around, help me find meaning when everything's pointless.
When I'm going 100%, the outcome's 200%.
I'll end my daydream here. Maybe the time for this is near.
I hope the things that take part won't be the ones I fear.

Just a One-word Post

Deprived...

Just Want to Get Away

The trainer gave us a two-hour break. How should I use the time? I don't want to eat. The nap room's full. The guard won't allow us to lie down on the couch.

My stomach just grumbled but I could just ignore it. All I want right now is to go home. I don't know what I want in life.

How do I spend the remaining hour and forty-five minutes? My eyes are hurting because I don't blink that much. When I try to blink often, they would still hurt. When they hurt, they turn red.

Why am I still here? Why are we still here?

My eyes are dead. If I were watching myself from afar, I could tell that they are dead. I can't just try to revive them all the time when no one is even looking at me.

Talking bothers me. It takes out a lot from me. It's unpleasant. Why am I still here?

I don't want to be "here".

Just That Life Ain't All That Bad

I got a text from the guard that they found my wallet. I've not been feeling well all day, for different reasons. I wasn't affected that much about losing my wallet last Saturday but I could use some good news. Life isn't all that bad.

Just Thought of This When My Feet Hurt as I Walked Home for Two Hours because I Lost My Wallet

If you treat someone fragile like they're weak all the time, how do they become strong? We develop callouses when our skin gets hurt repeatedly. People who are sensitive need to develop thicker skins so they wouldn't be hurt in the worst situations anymore, and they would only be able to do that if you don't treat them like they're babies all the time. When our feet hurt from walking barefoot, we don't cry about it. Our soles would thicken so they wouldn't hurt anymore the next time we do it. Like what people say, experience is the best teacher. How would a person get experience if you deprive them of it? When they are suddenly faced by a situation they are not prepared for, they would get overwhelmed and wouldn't know what to do.

Just Saw a Facebook Post from a Classmate Whom I Haven't Seen in a Long Time

High school feels like it was a different reality, that it didn't happen in this timeline.

Just Too Much of Nothing

What's there to talk about? There's nothing to talk about.

Just Wrote Something on the Journal

Just a Snake Dream

Just woke up from a dream wherein I killed a snake that was comimg down from the ceiling in our bathroom by stepping on it. I was breathing fast when I woke up. Lol

Maybe I had a different dream before the snake dream but eh, it wasn't memorable.

Just Maybe a Start of Cancer, But It's Not, Probably

I started to notice a small, faint line on my left thumb last night. I'm just posting it here for future reference if it gets worse or it's just nothing, that I'm just being paranoid.

Just Minutes Remaining

You know, I'm so bored right now. There's only 45 minutes left in my shift so maybe I'm just gonna spend all that time writing this post which I don't know what will be about.

I had an idea about writing something poetic about the callouses on my fingertips with a matching picture of them but I can't force it right now. Maybe when I'm in an actual writing mood.

Okay. 2 minutes down. I've got 43 minutes left. Dammit. Still a long way to go.

If you're still reading up to this point, I salute you.

Okay, here's the plan when I'm done with the shift: attend mass at Carmelite at 7am. It's just a short walk. Or is it? Whatever. I've got an hour to do that. The mass would end at around 8am. Masses usually last only an hour. Some priests like to make their homilies long, even though only a few are paying attention to them already. Don't they notice that people are starting to get bored by then? Who knows. Lol. I write like I'm exploiting my own church but nah. I just want to write what I'm thinking so I could spend the rest of the 40 minutes remaining in my shift. There might be a lot of wrong grammar here, but I ain't gonna proofread anymore because I'm too lazy.

After attending mass, I go home. Play DotA 2 if I can. And by if I can, I mean if I'm not sleepy or tired to do so. Playing while sleepy or tired is a bad idea, since it commonly ends with you losing or being salty. Damn I'm hungry. Damn I'm random. Damn my run-on sentences. Who fucking reads this blog anyway? It's fucking shitty. Why are you still here?

37 minutes remaining. Man. I spent a lot of time typing this all nonsense out. I could've spent all these typing with my actual work, which is also typing. But nah. There are other people who could do that. Wait, let me check if I could actually do something work-related.

Ok, 35 minutes remaining. Haha. I just checked if I could work on something and yup, all the works taken. I just laughed at one that misspelled ridiculous as riduculouse. lol. If you're gonna complain about something, at least get your spelling right. Maybe this might get seen by someone and I might get in trouble for it by typing it all here, but, yeah. I don't know. Should I still post this? Haha. #YOLO I AM, OF COURSE.

32 minutes remaining. I just got startled because the guy in front of me, Ian, reached my thighs with his leg accidentally. I could explain this further, but I'm too lazy.

31 minutes remaining. I'm hungry.

30 minutes remaining. I was writing about my plans for the rest of the day earlier. Lol. Okay. After I play DotA 2, I sleep, if I can. Or maybe eat. Or maybe after arriving home, I would immediately eat then play DotA. Or I could just sleep after eating. I don't know. The future awaits!

29 minutes remaining. Time is faster if I do it like this. When I just sit around and do nothing, it's just too slow. I know we should value every second we have, but I just can't wait for this shift to end. I have two days remaining for this job, which is great. A work mate just said, "Yes, 28 minutes nalang (28 minutes remaining)."

27 minutes remaining. 27 minutes remaining and the suffering would end, as what the same work mate said. I keep saying I'm dead inside. Haha. How do I keep a positive mind? How? Just... (Internal scream)

26 minutes remaining. I've written a lot. I applaud who would keep reading at this point. Damn. What else should I write about. 26 minutes remaining. My stomach hurts.

25 minutes remaining. If I keep counting the time like this, it would just go slower, or would it? What the hell am I talking about? Time is constant. It's just relative, as what Einstein said. What do I even know about physics? I should've taken this up instead of fucking Hotel and Restaurant Services. I don't even like the course. I don't like anything. Why are we still here just to suffer?

24 minutes remaining. What the hell am I still doing here? Why can't this shift just end??? AAAAAA I'm losing my mind here. Let me check some work to do. Lol

23 minutes. Misspelled petals as pedals. Ugh. Why am I judging people? It's like I don't make the same mistakes. lol. I do misspell a lot of words and don't realize it after. I don't care anymore. Should I work on this? Ugh. The others will take it.

22 minutes. Should I still continue this? It's getting a little bit tiring. Like there's no point if I still should. This. Thing. Is. Fucking. I. Don't Know.

21 minutes remaining. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

20 minutes remaining. I held my pinky fingers on shift and a for a minute to see what it would look like. No regrets. I'm just REALLY dead inside. 20 MINUTES REMAINING. Hnnnggghhhh. Let me check again for some work.

18 minutes remaining. I'm ending this post here. lol. I'm smelling burgers.

Just Writing This Dream Detail that I Can't Clearly Remember Now

I've been awake for a few hours now and I just remembered that in my dream earlier, I was vaping. On another one I was in, it felt like I was in a movie or something? Not sure. I just remember there was a father figure with me.

Just Recurring Dreams

I just woke up. I get dreams that I am running. It's like I'm trying to get away. I even said I quit in front of everybody from my job. But that was just a dream. Good thing it didn't really happen. Dfq was that dream about. I wish I could also run away in real life. Maybe I could do that, but I'd still find a way to come back home.

Just Posting from Work (This is Not Allowed)

I let my bubbly personality overshadow the melancholy that occurs most of the time. At first glance, you wouldn't notice how gloomy of a person I actually am. I mean, it's like punk rock; the lyrics are all depressing but the music is all upbeat. It's not that I am pretending to be cheerful. The words I sometimes slip out are all dark but then I chuckle at them as if I don't mean it. The chuckle comes out naturally. Its purpose is not to cover up the sadness. I mean, I even smile as I say them. The smile isn't fake. The smile is involuntary.

Maybe people would notice my aura, that it's actually depressing, when I am at my idle moments, when I am just chilling. The vibe I'm giving off is all gray and people would see it. I have a friend who taught me that you could actually see the color of a person's aura. I tried it and hey, you could actually see it. Anyone can see it.

I don't know, I just feel different today. I had 10 hours of sleep for work. Maybe I've overslept. Oversleeping is unhealthy as they said. I have neck pain when I use the laptop. I usually don't feel sleepy at this hour but I am. Maybe I'll be awake later.

Just Thought I Had Experienced Something from Previous Dreams

I've gotten two déjà vu experiences today. Should I describe what they are? Nah. Too lazy to picture it out and type it. My future self might get frustrated if she reads this, though. She might wonder what they were and regret for not ever typing the details when she could have. But whatever. Fuck you, future self. Haha.

Just a Lunch Break Post

I'm on my lunch break and I've got time for a new post.

Well, this is it.

Haha I ain't dead yet.

Just My Sister's Kid

I just woke up from a dream that I had a niece. My sister's baby. That it was so cute. That in my head I kind of want to hold it but I didn't say anything. Ugh.

Just Someday, in the Future, I'll Forget What This Poem was Supposed to be About

I'll write this poem for myself.
It's not easy trying to find the right words
Most of the time I just let them flow
At times like these, when I'm feeling heavy, and I want to pour it all out,
but it's hard
that I am hindered,
that I am blocked,
I get frustrated
It's a great time to get the poetic juices flowing
It's a great time to use all the ink
It's hard when it's all forced
This isn't the way it should go
This isn't the way it should be
I'm holding the pen with one topic in mind,
Instead, I'm writing about how I couldn't write about it
I sigh as I set the pen down and go sulk under the sheets

Just Trying a New Format, Not Working Out

What

do 

I 

want

to

write

at 

this

moment?

I'm

pressing

enter

after

each

word 

instead

of

space

because 

I

don't

know

what

to

write

about.

I'm 

doing

it

to 

make

this

post

seem

like

it's

long

when

it's

really

not.

Just Think Pink

A lot of my posts here are about self-loathing and self-hate. Haha. When you see me in real life, though, it doesn't seem like that. I'm always smiling, which I couldn't really control. People would ask me why I'm always smiling. Haha

I got accepted at Offsourcing. The people there seemed cool. Maybe they'd rub off their positive vibes onto me. Like, the surroundings seemed pink and glittery. Like, it seems to be impossible to be sad there. Like, it's giving me a Star Vs. The Forces of Evil feel. I like it.

Just Surreal

Twenty years old. Two decades. Twenty-one in six months. I made it this far. I wondered what being an adult felt like. I wanted to grow up.

I got what I wished for. I guess every kid's dream is to grow up. Well, it seems kind of surreal thinking of all that's happened. Like, holy shit, I am remembering all these stuff, but these all happened a long time ago. I could imagine how I was still small and everyone was taller. I couldn't wait to reach a lot of things; I couldn't wait to reach the monkey bars or the high branches of the trees. That was like, 15 years ago. Flashbacks are so surreal. Being grown up is so surreal.

Just a Short Blogpost to Post

I can feel my heart beating while I'm lying down. Sometimes, when I can't feel it, I panic, wondering if I am still alive. Of course I'm still alive, I'm conscious, I can think.

I just typed too fast and I don't know what to write anymore. Now I just thought of breathing and now I am manually doing it. I hate it when this happens.

I attended my graduating ceremony 5 days ago. I wonder what happens from now on. I wonder what I am supposed to do. I don't like thinking of the future.

Just that My Mom is Getting Old

When you say something to mom, her automatic first response would be "Ha?!".

Cuz she's getting deaf.

Went to a few doctor's appointment.

Stopped saying "ha?!" for a few days but then it's back to repeating yourself again and again.

Mom's getting old.

And I'm impatient.

A bad combination.

Just Funny because It's True

Sometimes, things are funny because they're true.

Just Not that Thankful Anymore

The only thing that died when I tried to kill myself was my sense of gratitude.

Just that We All are Different, and Not Being a Nihilist is Not that Bad

No matter how hard a fish would try to climb a tree, it would be impossible. It would need years of evolution to achieve its ambition. When that time arrives, its descendants would climb trees at ease. However, the fish that originated and pioneered that dream would be dead by then, never knowing that thousands of fish are now climbing trees because of him, because of his silly dreams, because of what he had started. It did not know that the impossible could be possible, that it would be possible after many lifetimes. A small thing that you started could ripple into a big wave a million years from now. Still, the fish was not able to taste the sweetness of a fulfilled dream himself. A tragedy with a happy ending.

Just Went to the Final Job Interview Earlier

When I'm not feeling shitty, I'm feeling manic. Man, there's just no calm moment.
Oh well, that's life, my life, at least. I don't know about yours. A lot, I've missed
When I say I'm happy, there's an excess of it. When I say I'm sad, I am depressed.
Still, I feel good, better than most days, even when I got rejected by Convergys.
Not looking forward to work. That would get rid of my smirk.
Rejection, I find a good thing. Next week, I'll be marching cuz I'm graduating.
Maybe I'll feel shitty later, before I sleep. Maybe it would also be never.
I'll try to be more positive. I'll try to beat my hunch, that I'll be dying before 30.
Time is fast. In a blink of an eye, I'll be 70.

Just Sven, the Rogue Knight

I drew Sven, a hero from Dota 2.

I started drawing him last December. It was supposed to be my last artwork for 2017.

But I am a lazy piece of shit. I end up procrastinating. 

I keep getting frustrated because it's hard to get the right shade of blue. I wanted to be accurate.

The details in his armor are hard to get, too.

After 3 months, I got him done. I think I could still make it more accurate though, but I've had enough already.

I signed it last night. I could still do better if I wanted to.

Just Two Different Moods

Me: Love is such a beautiful thing.

Also me: AAAA IT DESTROYS EVERYTHING I HATE IT

Just Telling You to Don't Mind Me, I'm Just Being My Normal Self

I still feel shitty. Haha. Man, when was the last time I haven't felt shitty? How do you get rid of this shittiness? I mean, maybe I'm not trying hard enough. I haven't been sleeping early nor waking up early. I haven't been exercising. I still take showers, which is good. It wouldn't be long before I would stop taking them. Back then, I haven't showered for months, thinking if I didn't clean myself, the bacteria would just infect my body and would just let me die. I really wanted to die that time. I was in and out of consciousness. I didn't get out of my bed for almost a month. Just slept through it. When I'd open my eyes, my body wanting to wake up, I would just close them again, smother my face on the pillow, so the light wouldn't bother my eyes. I would face down so they won't see my face. This was 3 years ago, I think? Maybe I shouldn't talk about the past anymore if it would make me feel bad. Right now, I just feel numb and shitty.

Just Eyesores

Facebook and Twitter are filled with graduation posts and I don't want to see them. It's dangerous to scroll down when I just want to look at memes. I am only safe here, in Blogger, alone in my thoughts. Everyone is celebrating a ceremony which is a big deal, I know, but for me, it's just a meaningless tradition that they force us to take part on. Kind of like birthdays and anniversaries. Why am I not thrilled with big transitions and milestones in life anymore?

Just that I Have Something in My Chest and I Can't Tell What It Is

Let me open this up by saying a gross statement... Wait, never mind. It's gross. I'll just use a euphemism. Let's say... Aunt Flo visited from Reading yesterday. Okay. Enough.

Last week I keep feeling shitty. Even two weeks ago I felt shitty. I just keep saying that I feel shitty even three weeks ago. I don't know if Aunt Flo is connected to why I always feel shitty before she comes. I just feel shitty even if she doesn't.

A few nights ago, I was bored so I took an online test about antisocial personality disorder and whaddaya know, I got this:

The quiz did say that the quiz is not a proper way to diagnose Antisocial Personality Disorder. Maybe the disorder has the same symptoms of what my real diagnosis is. Whatever. Haha. I still hate people. I just want to cease to exist.

There's this old show called Malcom in the Middle where in one episode, Malcolm decided not to talk back every time someone said something stupid. It was okay, since he received positive results. He got stuff he wanted. However, by the end of the episode, he got peptic ulcer because of all the feelings he suppressed. He coughed blood at his basketball coach. I wish I would cough up blood. I randomly think of coughing up blood since elementary. I would imagine myself spitting out blood during class and everyone would panic but I would just laugh it off. I was in fourth grade as far as I can remember when I started to think about these things.

My abnormality sometimes is a hindrance. But I think that the world would seem a little less interesting if people like me didn't exist. Still, I would think that I wish I didn't exist at all because I don't see a point. We would die. It's like having to exist is a meaningless experience.

I should stop thinking like this now. My train of thought is continuous if it is started. Now I'm just stopping it because it seems like everything that I am typing is just negative.

Just About Mentality Again

I did not know what my diagnosis was. I wasn't there when the psychiatrist explained it. I mean, I was physically there, but my mind was... somewhere else.

Just Trying to be a Smartass When What I am Actually Saying Doesn't Really Mean Anything

I just thought of how the protagonist of Slumdog Millionaire wasn't really smart, just good at associating facts based from his past experiences. People think of a person as intelligent when they could share stuff they didn't know about. What they don't know is, it is easier to remember trivial matters if they pay attention to their surroundings when they are being fed some information. For example, on the day I learned how the rock pumice looked like, my closest friend at the time submitted the project to our science teacher. She pointed at the rock, saying it's incorrectly labeled, and that it was actually pumice. I remember how the backdrop of the project was red, and how I felt really bad that I did not know how to make the project, and how I felt relieved that my friend could just add me as a partner instead. I just did not know how rocks would look like. Of course I knew what rocks were, but you had to label them with their names and classify them as sedimentary, igneous, or metamorphic rocks. Anyways, my point is, what you thought was being smart, was actually being good at connecting the dots. Or I don't know. Maybe they really are smart in a way.

Just My Illustration of Myself Every Time Someone Says Something Stupid

Just that I Could Write Some More, but I Guess This is Enough

Having a good memory is sometimes a curse. You would chat up a former classmate from elementary, whom has not seen you for six years, but you still clearly remember their full name. You would assume they would remember you because you, yourself, does. However, their reply goes, "Who are you?". You are okay with that, since it has been so long. You try to explain that you were classmates in grade one, but they deny that. Either they claim to have a different section or say that they were at a different school that time. You know that isn't true. You remember this clearly, because you know in that year was the year both of you played in the playground, riding on the seesaws. You won't reply anymore because you see that they have forgotten. It's not worth it. What you thought was memories to keep was simply a forgettable experience for them. Sometimes, having a good memory is a curse.

Just Going to Sing the First Line of The Sound of Silence

I feel really crappy. I thought I would feel better when I wake up but everything feels like shit. I usually feel better in the morning. Now, I don't. Maybe I'm getting my period soon. Hormones always make me feel shitty. Why is the agony longer now? Two weeks ago, I was all euphoric. This week, I want to kill myself. I keep getting memories back in my psychotic daze. People ask the most private questions and I answer them, even though it would make me feel bad. When chatting, I end up speaking out things that probably shouldn't, but probably better if I did. My death joke tally is getting high, that it kind of doesn't feel like they are jokes anymore. Maybe I'm just saying all of these because I'm getting my period soon. It sucks that this is all because of some womanly cycle that is natural. It's like you are born just to suffer. People would think I'm optimistic because I'm always smiling. I hate people. Maybe I wouldn't say these crap next week. Maybe I would think otherwise in the later days. Maybe I would take all of what I said back. I say maybe a lot because nothing is certain. Only death is certain, but we aren't certain when. We just know that we die in the end, but we couldn't tell what time or date that ould be.

Just Fucking Hate Nightmares

My mom died in a dream again.

She didn't really die, she was dying. Either way, it's still bad.

Her face got suddenly yellow. There was shit on the floor everywhere.

Just Feeling Tired and Sad because of the Lack of It

I need to exercise but I'm too lazy.

Just an Unconscious Scene while Sleeping

I dreamt of my aunt still being alive, but bed-ridden in the hospital, suffering the cancer. We sang her songs. I couldn't bear to be in the room. Don't remember much. I woke up a few hours ago.

Just Wondering How It Would Feel Like

I keep imagining the manner of my death. Most of the scenes consist of my attempts of killing myself. I keep imagining what death would feel like. I like to think of the feeling somewhat is alike to the feeling before you were born. Nothingness. You did not know you existed before your birth. Maybe that is how death is like. I'd like to believe in life after death. But thinking of it now, to go on even after dying is tiresome. Who would like to be conscious forever? If life after death is the same as how life is now, but without the bad stuff, I'd rather not. I would prefer the feeling or the state we had before we existed. Try to remember anything prior to your birth. You can't, can you? Maybe that is what death is like, too. Maybe life after death does not exist. I could be wrong. I have no basis for everything I have said. I'll still continue praying for the dead, though.

Just What is This Crap I'm Dealing With

I feel strange right now... I... want to go out for a drink. "Then why don't you go do that, then?". I am not good at that kind of thing. I need some friend I could go with. I...

I feel weird... I want to sleep it off. I can't go back to sleep. I've been sleeping all day. I don't think I'm depressed. I feel happy. I just feel... strange. Maybe I'm not used to being happy? Now it's bumming me out.

Tried playing it off with some piano, but some keys were broken and that made me sad so I tried playing the guitar. It didn't work. I feel like crying but I don't want to. There's nothing to cry about.

So I tried writing it off, like what I'm doing right now. Trying to figure out what the problem is. Thought it would be easier when the words in my head are in front of my eyes. It helps a little.

I feel better, I think. Maybe the strange feeling will come back later. I hope not.

Just View at Your Own Risk

01/07/18

02/10/18

stubbed it on the sofa

02/19/18

02/20/18 2am-4am

Just Still Jobless

Everyone seems so busy these days. What am I even doing with my life? Haha

Just Probably Isn't

Is it a good day to die?

Just Lost the Sense of Tracking

I forget to keep track on my coughing pills. Right now, I'm not sure if I already took 'em or not. Chances are I am going to overmedicate. My coughing is not that bad any more. I think I'm going to be cured next week.

Just Intense Coughing

I had trouble sleeping last night because of my intense coughing. I thought I was going to expel my lungs. Now my throat hurts.

Just Thought I was Dying

I had a nightmare. Fuck, I don't even know how to describe it.

All I know is I tried to scream for somebody to wake me up. Ineffective. I just tried to move my mouth to wake up. I finally did. I'm not yet ready to go back to sleep.

Edit: my sleeping position was me lying on my right side. My face was smothered down the bed, making it hard to breathe. My left ankle over my right ankle, so that I was semi face down, not like how my theory of lying on my back causes nightmares.

Just Want to but Rather Not

I want to say "I want to follow my heart just this once because I've been following my brain my whole life" but that is usually how everything turns to shit in TV shows and movies.

Just Want to Have a Nice Cup of Antimony

You really need to stop coming in my mind every once in a while

I do not really like it

It kind of ruins my cool girl vibe

Like how I look like I could not give a fuck about anyone

But you

I keep wondering how you are right now

how your life has been

I care about whether you think about me too

I guess you do not

It has been so long since we last communicated

Maybe a year

A year is not really that long, is it?

The small things remind me of you,

that picture of a fruit,

that song that played on shuffle,

that thing lying on the ground, so dusty,

this thing I am doing right now,

I do not want to say that this is love

I do not think so

We do not even talk

How could it be so

My little girl mind is making me do things that I do not like to do

I could only suppress so much

However, the cup of suppression is trying to overflow

I still am suppressing, though

I am good at it

I have reached twenty while still doing it

That is what I am good at

I refuse to let things in

or even let things out

I refuse that what this is is real

Nothing is real

Emotions are just by-products of what our glands secrete

Reactions to stimuli

You would not really feel the same after a while when you have experienced an emotion

They are not real

Why would you want to feel sparks when they are not even concrete

I have always liked villains

Without them, there would be no plot

If real life had heroes or villains, I would like to be a villain

Sure, they never win in the stories being told

But it all depends on the point of view

Everyone is right in their own eyes

No one is open minded enough to see their own wrongs

I like to invest my time in self loathing

Every negative vibe is my fuel in life

Sometimes when I am all positive

I dread for the time when it all goes downhill

and it starts there

One tainted thought and it all crashes

Mood changes

In a snap

Funny how I started typing about you and we ended up here

I wish I could just move on

but it is only you

It always has been you

and I do not think you like me

You clearly must not like me

Because if you do, you would have said something by now, right?

My line of reasoning does not work in this one

It is not my forte

It is not in my field

Yeah, I have reached a verdict

You do not like me

so I should not like you that way anymore

It sucks that I think about you

It sucks that I still do

Just Want to Smoke, Too, but I Don't Smoke

I'm in a writing mood. What should I write about?

I don't go out so I can't write much any experience.

Nothing's much happened in the past 17 days of this new year.

Okay, I am in a writing mood, but there is nothing to write about.


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There's nothing as sweet as a husband missing his wife.


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Maybe I will just try to sleep. This writing mood is such a waste.

I want more wine.

Mother watched me carrying a glass of it and nagged, saying it was too much.
She made me put most of it back in the bottle. I only had 20 ml. I need more.

Maybe later, at midnight, when she's asleep.

I want to be drunk.


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I want to confess my love, but I can't do it while I'm sober.


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I slept earlier. I was awakened by my brother's girlfriend visiting.

I was sleeping in the living room. Now I am in my bedroom.

I couldn't go back to sleep. I want to go back to sleep.

Whatever.

I'm wasting my writing mood.

Just an Ode to My Aunt

Even when you are gone
In my dreams, you are still there
It means that my subconscious still thinks you are alive
It messes me up when I wake up

While dreaming, I think and know you are dead
But I see you there, breathing, with us
So happy, so at ease
Why does my mind work like this?

I do not want to see dead people
Even if I am just dreaming of them
No, it is not a nightmare, I was not scared
It is just that when you are awake
reality sinks in deep
and you remember that they are not there anymore
It is like having a nightmare while being awake

I know you are happy
I know that you have rest
I know that you are okay
We know that it was for the best

I know you have lived a life with no regrets
At least we can say you are in a better place
No more suffering, no more pain
We love you, and you did not die in vain

Just Typing for the Blog to be Alive

Ahh... What have I come here to write about next?

I don't really have much going on. I'm done with school and I don't have a job.

But I did go to school earlier to pay for our college yearbook fee.

I also talked with our dean. Just some casual stuff.

Everything's a haze right now, not that I took anything that would make me in a haze. I'm actually quite sober. I didn't drink or anything.

Hmmm...

I guess I'm not that manic anymore, or am I?

Just Did Not Get This Checked

I think I'm gonna die soon because I'm being too carefree despite being bit by our dog six hours ago.

Just Cat's Meow, Aw

I notice that I wake up to most of my nightmares while lying on my back. My head is tilted a little back and it feels like how it is in nightmares. Maybe blood in the brain causes it. I don't think so, though. I don't have a lot of nightmares to tell.

Also, if you feel a little emotional, it's probably hormones. Don't do something stupid while you're filled with it. Your normal and chill self would thank you for it.

Just Been Eating a Lot of Chocolate These Days and Now I'm Feeling Manic

Control yourself
You can do that, can't you?
You didn't log in for 10 months
This is easy for you
You have the skills
Just this once
This is important
Why can't you do it?
Hold on
Don't go
You have self control
Please,
be normal

Just... That was Some Dream

It started with a sharp noise, like how a microphone would sound when improperly handled, and it was piercing. We all covered our ears. Then we started to get out of the house. I tried to bring what I was holding at the time and also save our dogs. My brother got to bring some. There were puppies that I don't know where they came from. I asked someone if the gas range was turned off because it might explode. Then there was a helicopter that came from our house. My father was flying it. Mom decided to go to the subdivision's basketball court. Everything was burning there. I looked up the sky and I remembered there was also going to be a typhoon, that we might also drown and burn the same time. A car crashed to a tree. It was burning. Then mom tried to climb a tree with other people. It was already burning. My other brother tried to get her down. She went down but her clothes were on fire. I told her to roll around. I woke up.