Have you ever had that feeling where you want to talk to someone but you don't even know what to talk about? I don't even know who should I talk to right now at 4 in the morning. Everyone is asleep. There are a few who are online but none of them are close to me.
How come we are allowed to be depressed? Why is it part of human anatomy? How are we allowed to experience unpleasant things when it would kill us? Wouldn't it be better if we didn't get to feel pain, or get sick? Why are antagonists meant to exist? Why can't we all be good people? Is peace really possible? Everything has so many flaws. I'm sorry for thinking this way but why has God allowed this to happen? I roll my eyes to those who actually say that phrase. I can't believe I'm saying this now. Don't get me wrong. I still love God, and believe in Him. I just don't know how I feel about that, when my thoughts are contradicting.
What is leading me to have all these thoughts? Can it be addressed so they would be stopped? I don't like this feeling at all. I don't think anyone would. I don't have any companions to say all this to. This blog is my only refuge.
Even then, I still wouldn't feel good after typing this all down. Even if I DO get to say all this to somebody, I don't think I would feel better. Maybe I would even get afterthoughts like, "Maybe I shouldn't have said something. I let them know a part of me." And then I would go to sleep, and I wake up. Sometimes I feel better when I wake up; sometimes I don't.
My room is a mess. Maybe it represents my mental state. I want to clean it up. I'm too lazy to do so.
I want to finish reading that book I borrowed from Ian. I'm just not there.
I don't want to admit I'm lonely, because I'm not. It's pathetic being so. I like being alone. I don't like physical contact. It's gross.
I find it funny when people say that they are weird but when they get to meet me they don't even match the standards of weird.
Ahh.
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