Just Expecting It

I'm probably gonna fail my final exam tomorrow for integral calculus. Is it my fault? Yeah, maybe. I didn't try hard enough, did I? Am I gonna blame it on many factors? Am I gonna blame it on my bipolar disorder? Did the professor teach enough? Did he provide enough resources and examples? Am I just stupid? Is it because I complain too much? 

Even if I fail, I'm not going to enroll for next semester, anyway. Would I still like to pursue this career in the future? Am I gonna be enjoying what I'm going to do without the degree? I'm miserable studying. Maybe it's the online environment. Maybe it's the school's hectic schedule. Maybe it's the program that's too hard. I don't know. I always don't know. It makes me feel stupid. 

Kami-sama, please, help me.

Just an Update for This Month So You'll Know I'm Still Alive

Sometimes I wanna break up with him so I can kill myself two years later. 

Also, my physics professor said I can just have one requirement by then end of the semester. I told her I wanted to be dropped but it turned out that also means a failing grade. So yeah. I told her I was bipolar and all. I'm feeling like it's not that easy as it sounds.