Just Late Upload of a Delayed Birthday Gift

Finished this drawing on Dec. 24. I began in April. Lol.

Kunkka with a Meteor Hammer.

Just My Answer for My GE4 Final Exam

I am happy. Even with the pandemic still going on, I am happy. I do not want to jinx this, though. Because every time I try to express my happiness, by the next day I would feel the opposite. That kind of thing just happens. Do not worry about me, though, hehe. 

I guess part of the reason why I am happy is that a few days ago, a special someone received the package I sent out, which has had been traveling for 3 months. He opened his camera for the first time in our voice call in Discord, and I was able to see his expressions while opening the box. I have only told two people about this. I have not made our relationship public, so I guess to whoever reading is this, please keep it a secret. :3

We've known each other for six months, through an online game. He's from Germany and he's great. I can't believe I'm talking about this in here XD If you knew me before this year, you would really not guess it is me who is saying all these. People see me as an indifferent person, even "manhid". I have never been in a relationship before this guy, and I'm 23. I even send a vomit emoji to people whenever the topic of a conversation is about romance. So, yeah. I could have talked about a lot of different things but I chose this. Haha. I guess that is what is prevalent in my mind right now.

ANYWAY, this is great. All I have to do for GE4 now is to edit that video. I do not think it will take that long given that I would not procrastinate. Hehe. 

Thank you, sir! You are awesome. I hope you have a great day. Happy holidays to you, too! :D

Just Thinking If I Should Finish This Now or If I Should Take a Rest

 I don't like video editing so much but I'll get by.

Just Going Good

 My daylio app looks like a straight line. I've been stable for a couple of weeks. I bought a laptop from my classmate. The problem I have with it now is that it restarts on its own. 

Just Posting My Spotify Wrapped Here

I'm uploading these here because I installed and uninstalled the app and I want to delete these from my phone already. 

Just Having a Hard Time With This Virtual Experiment with Redox Reactions

 I'm starting to think that Electrochemistry is my weakness.

Just Better Emotionally but Need to Wait 7 Days to Heal Physically

My prof replied and she's actually nice. She let me resubmit the file through her email.

Also, I have multiple canker sores by my throat/tonsils which makes it very hard to swallow. 

Just Wanted to Post on Twitter Again but Nah This Place Will Suffice

 

Just Hate the Hell Before Periods

 I fucking hate everything. I'm having some wild PMDD symptoms right now. What's worse is that I just received a grade from an activity which was shocking. It turns out that I submitted the wrong file. I don't care about the grade, really. I'm just bummed out that she wouldn't see the actual thing that I've actually written. She wouldn't know how good of a writer I am. I fucking aaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAaaAAaa

Just Love Him

 I love my boyfriend.

Just Listing Down Positive Things To Make Myself Feel Better

1.  He fucking loves you. 
2. You are smart. 
3. You are talented. 
4. You have achieved a lot of things other people are still struggling to. 
5. You are fucking awesome. 
6. You're literally living life on hard mode with your condition and you're a fucking badass for doing better than most. 
7. They love you.
8. You're great for making this list. 
9. You can do this. 
10. I love you. 
11. You're cute. 

Just Listing Down Problems So I Could Work On Them Once I Get Better

1. Mom's making me depressed even when she's not doing anything wrong. 
2. I'm not doing well. 
3. My grades are starting to drop. 
4. I'm having migraines. 
5. I've been crying. 
6. Thoughts of killing myself by January. 
7. Thinking of breaking up with him. 
8. My room of messy and I'm literally getting sick because of it. 
9. Sleeping pattern's REALLY fucked up. 
10. Started working out again was going well until I had to stop again because of the migraine. 
11. Exams today but I don't want to do them. I can't focus well.
12. Pensive sadness that I can't seem to get rid of. 
13. This list is so negative. I really should be listing positive things instead. 

Just Fucking Can't Deal With This I Want Out

 I'm answering an activity right now and I want to quit school.

Just Wondering If I Could Make It Through Again

 How long was the last time I was this depressed, again?

Just Not Gonna Mess Around Lol

 Alright, enough fooling around. Time to get the serotonin back.

Just Turning It into an Art Form

 

Just Wanting to Die, Yet Again

 I hope this year kills me because I don't really want to live anymore. 

Just Thinking of College as a Hobby

Will chemical engineering be one of my unfinished projects? Let's find out. Haha

Just Dust Mites and Allergies

My schedule's full today. I just want to sleep.

Just Feeling Weak

 Allergic rhinitis will not kill you. But it will make you suffer.

Just Writing a Love Letter Instead of Completing School Work

Dear ******,

It is October 29, 2020. 6:38pm. I am thinking of how much I love you. I am so in love with you. My ******, my Y***. You are so precious. I long for us to meet.

I did not know it was possible to feel like this. You got me writing this. I am supposed to do my assignment. However, I am here, opened a notepad with my assignment alt-tabbed, and writing this. I can not stop thinking about you.

Will I show this letter to you? Who knows? Maybe I can control my impulsiveness this time.

I am writing this in the hopes I can focus better, to focus my thoughts.

You somehow made this year better amidst the chaos.

You are the light. 

You pacify the thoughts I do not want to think.

I miss you. I love you.

Stop making me write gay stuff like these. You made me change into someone who is not me. Or maybe you just brought out the me that remained dormant for so long.

I am very lucky to have you with me. I am happy you feel the same.

Anyway, I think I have spent enough time procrastinating while writing this letter XD Time to get back to my task.

I fucking love you, you idiot.

Love,

Jema Banana 

Just Drew My Sadness Again

 I'd be telling people I'm doing better and genuinely mean it and then suddenly I'd be having a mood dip. Fuck you, bipolar. 

Just Feeling the Urge

 Don't hurt yourself.

Just Lewd

He told me last night that he dreamed of us trying to make babies. When I asked how it was, he answered that he gives my performance a 9 out of 10. Lol

Just Back at It Again With the Self-Destruction

 *gets depressed because of choccy milk*

*drinks more choccy milk to make sure*

Just Back at It Again with Dark Thoughts

 I had this thought where I should kill myself first before I get to kill anyone else.

Also, it would be really evil of me to actually kill myself cuz it's really going to hurt him. But then I don't really care if that's the case. How much of a bad person am I?

Self love really takes too much work. I just have to live with it.

Just Me Being Silly

 *absentmindedly scratches neck, wondering why it's itchy

*remembers that I unthoughtfully glided a pair of scissors on it last night ●﹏●

Just Broke Down Last Night and Now I'm Writing This

I think 23 will be a good age to die. It has a few things about it that I like.

It's a prime number. It is odd. It helps me slumber. I like it a lot.

When you combine the digits, you get five. If you still don't get it, I will sigh.

I'm not saying this because I'll be 23 soon, but on my birthday I will sing a certain tune.

Don't worry, I'll try to control my episodes. Who knows? Maybe I'll grow old.

Just That I Can't. I Just Can't.

 Still haven't slept. I feel like crying lol

Just Too Lazy to Do It

Another day wherein I ask myself if it's already enough that I've read the module once or if I should still study more properly XD

Just a Poem to the Ones Who Didn't Make It

Van Gogh, Sylvia Plath, Schumann, Munch, Reckful

Can you give me the years you were not able to live?

Are you watching us, the people who are going through the same thing, from where you are?

Does where you are right now exist?

I envy your rest

Do not worry, I will go on in your memory

Empower us

We will carry on for your sake

I will just cry in bed

Although 

It really is not that bad

Just Drawing Again for Therapeutic Means

 

Just Cried While Washing Dishes then Mom and Dad Saw Me Lol

 Crying a lot. lmao

Just Saying Hello to Mania Again

 

Just Studying Chemistry

 These jargons are killing me XD Too many to count.

Just Subconscious Projections

 I had a nightmare where a rapist was trying to kill me with razors. But when I slept again, I had a dream where my classmate, let's call him Luke Barbiturates, was doing heroine.

Just Complaining Here Instead to Actual People

 Trying not to complain to friends that much cuz they got their own shit too.

Just Complaining about Online Class

 I hate group works so muuuuuuuuuuch.

Just Made a Little Drawing For People om Facebook

 

Just Accidentally Went on a Mood Dip

Ah gahd I need meds but I don't want to deal with the side effects. Too expensive too lol so yeah gotta deal with this shit naturally like God intended me to do *wears shades and finger guns*

Just a Series of Questions Starting with the Same Thing

Have you ever been so depressed that you muted everyone's stories because the time pressure to view them gives you anxiety?

Have you ever been so depressed that you unfollowed a lot of people just because you did not like the stuff they share? Even when you do not have anything against them personally?

Have you ever been so depressed that you disappear from everyone every now and then?

Have you ever been so depressed that you cried for no reason at all?

Have you ever been so depressed that jokes or memes could not make you laugh anymore?

Have you ever been so depressed that when you genuinely laugh, you remember how depressed you are, and then you stopped laughing, and you get more depressed?

Have you ever been so depressed that you use dark jokes as a coping mechanism?

Have you ever been so depressed that it was hard for you to love the people you love?

Have you ever been so depressed that you would not want to try any more?

Have you ever been so depressed that when you talk about it, you do it so casually that you forget it is a taboo topic?

Have you ever been so depressed that you tried to take away your life?

Lmao. I don't think I've been that depressed.

Just Feeling Good

 Serotonin fucking feels good man. I hope I don't run out.

Just Live

 I can't talk. I'm in a VC with him. I can't chat and be talkative. I should really sleep since I've been up since 6 am.

Just Not Cut Out for These Stuff

Helping mom online shop for plants makes me tired and depressed. Teaching her how to use the computer is fucking killing me. I sound selfish and arrogant but fuck I don't have the mental capacity and patience.

Just Doubting Myself

 Am I seriously going to date a white guy 10,000 kilometers away?

Just Typing with Each Sentences Separated, Mostly

I'm still not dead.
I still wish I were not here.
I deactivated Facebook again last Sunday.
I'm easily depressed. 

However, someone's there.
I'm not making him my reason for living or anything.
I just feel like I should stay for a while for his sake.
He has invested quite a bit on me. I don't want to be that guy.

I feel like sleeping right now.

I've been playing Stardew Valley for a few days now.

Kinda hungry but I'm getting back on my fasting habit of only eating from 9am to 5pm again.

I hate my belly. It's quite big.

I wanna eat. I should sleep so I wouldn't eat.

Yeah, I'll do that after a few minutes.

I feel irritation right now.

See ya.

Just Drew a New Profile Pic for Discord

Maybe I should make this my avatar for this blog, too. Idk. Maybe not.

Just Head Twitching

I wasn't able to sleep last night. Slept from 10am to 1pm instead. Slept from 7 pm up to now again. The right side of my head is twitching/spasming. I don't think it's serious. Why can't the universe just let me die already?

Just Felt Like Typing Whatever

I want to take a long ride on the bicycle right now. Been wanting to for a few months already. This pandemic is chill at first. It's subjective now, I guess. The urge to die doesn't go away. I forget about it at times. I don't like it when my brain reminds me. I don't like it when my mind wanders off to me thinking that it never gets better. A technique I've learned to negate bad thoughts is that when you start to notice that you're having it, you should redirect your thoughts to the things you like about yourself, or reflect on the things that happened during the day that you're happy about. It works, yeah. It doesn't work, too, though. The negative thoughts prevail, too.

It's been written that it's your mindset that's killing you. It's really hard to change it. They say that if you say something in a bad way, you should rephrase it to another way that changes the perspective of what you said. It feels like lying to yourself when it's like that, but it really isn't. It's the former that's lying to you, the bad ones, your brain lying to you thinking you're not enough. Then again when you rephrase it to a more positive note it doesn't feel right, like you're not being realistic. I don't know which one of them is real anymore.

I fucking hate myself. I don't know why this thought keeps coming in. I don't know how to rephrase it. I should redirect it right now: I love how intelligent I am that people want to be as intelligent as I am. (This doesn't feel good at all. It feels like I'm being conceited and now I feel worse.) I am beautiful and people tell me that from time to time. My skin is glowing and I am happy for that. (Fuck, okay I should not let the side thoughts get to me, but shit.) It's amazing how I can play a lot of instruments, and how much of a fast learner I am.

________________________

I'm chatting with someone on Discord. It broke this chain of thoughts now. I guess it helps me distract myself.

______________________

The conversation makes me want to smoke.

I guess I'll end this post for now.

Just Wanted to Sleep Early But My Brain Kept Bugging Me To Make This

Just that Sleeping Can Be Unpleasurable Too

Bad dream. ("Black Swan"-like)

Just a Question I Can't Ask Anybody Because None Can Relate

How should I update Daylio when I'm having a fucking mixed mood?

Just a Scene from a Movie I'm Watching Right Now

Just Looking at Possibilities

You know what, I need the serotonin. So why not?

Just Interactions with an Egghead

Wtf is wrong with me man haha im getting the serotonin i very much need from him and im putting effort on suppressing it

Just Another Nightmare

I had a nightmare again

Just Another Slightly Nightmarish Dream

I had another weird dream where I was forced to steal something so I'd be released. They helped me hide but I was caught so I ran.

Just Dreamt of Weird Stuff

A gore nightmare turned into a 2ne1 concert.

Just Clinging on to Something that Should Stop Me

It would be a waste of intelligence and talent if I killed myself.

Just... just.

I think 10 years of depression is enough.

Just Don't Know Why I'm Thinking This

I have a plan. It's not a good plan. It doesn't do anyone good. But I have a plan.

It will be on August 7. Before that date, I have to make sure my bicycle has aired tires. I should have a big plastic bag. I'll be wearing a mask, too. Decision should be final at August 6, 9 pm. By 1 am, I head out. Fuck the curfew. Oh yeah, don't forget your suicide note so people won't be left hanging.

I should go to a forest, or a tall grassy area, enough that could hide me. Somewhere with no people.  Make sure you have 3 pills. I don't care what pills as long as it makes you sleep.

Lie down after you've ingested the pills. Cover your whole head with the plastic bag and tie it around your neck. Good luck. You should be dead within a few minutes of dozing off. I hope this works.

Just a Visual of My Day (Only I Can Understand)

Just Don't Want Any Controversy So I'm Posting It Here

Your phony hashtag is making me wanna kill myself.

Just a Facebook Memory of a Status I Posted 10 Years Ago

You think it will get better within 10 years but nah it just gets worse haha

Just a Filipino Post with a Rough English Translation

Matagal na akong walang ganang mabuhay.

I have not had the drive to live for a long time.

Just Two Nightmares

I had a nightmare. Twice. I woke up from the first one but went back to sleep. I just woke up from the second one. What's weird was I got a feeling of Deja vu with both. The second one I dreamt of someone's drunk demented dad trying to kill me. Had to run and fight back. I want to be more detailed with this but I can't write. The first one was a series of events. All I can write down now was me hanging out with Jean in the end and me ending up shitting my pants.

Just Begging Myself

Don't kill yourself tonight, please.

Just Waiting for Myself to Finally Snap

The world is too noisy and crazy, and I want to hurt myself for it.

Just Saying This to Myself As I Press My Fingers to My Eyes and Palms to My Cheeks

Stop thinking about dying. Stop thinking about dying.Stop thinking about dying.Stop thinking about dying.Stop thinking about dying.Stop thinking about dying.Stop thinking about dying.Stop thinking about dying.Stop thinking about dying.Stop thinking about dying.Stop thinking about dying.Stop thinking about dying.Stop thinking about dying.Stop thinking about dying.Stop thinking about dying.

Just Some Stolen Gifs To Visualize My Current State

Just Don't Read This, It's Nonsense

Just woke up. I don't have anything to say right now so I'm just gonna do what I have done in a few blog posts in the past which is typing what ever comes to mind because my mind can come up with a lot of different stuff and I just want to type or write them down.

Dragons.
You.
Ah, it doesn't help when I'm listening to a song because the lyrics come to mind and I type them down. Lol I'm listening to Darlin' by Between the Trees on loop.
What is my purpose in life?
Why am I here?
Why do I always ask these questions? They don't do me any good. I felt like I have already answered these questions before but why do I have the need to ask them again?

Darlin'
Crimes of wanting you badly
Ok I'm going to stop listening so I can hear my mind.

There. What do I have to say? Is my mind a different person within me or is it me? Why do I refer to my mind in a third person when it is still just me? Or is my mind really different? Why do I want to listen to a Secondhand Serenade song now? What?

I just thought of lyrics but I don't think I should type them down. Lol
Ah.
I should end this post here because I don't want to feel bad. It usually goes that way every time I try to listen to my thoughts.

Just Flashback Time

I don't know why right now I'm thinking about the time back in 1st yr hs while I was being observant of how the pin also turns when opening and closing the blades of my scissors that all of the sudden my math teacher yells "Jema! Stop playing with those scissors!" when I wasn't playing with them at all :(

Just Posting a Repetitive Thought So I Wouldn't Do It

I'm.gonna fucking kill myself.

Just Have an Impulse to Ghost

Okay, I don't know what's going on. Somehow, a guy from VRChat got attached. I'm trying to remember when we met. I just know that a mutual friend was in a world, then he came second after the other friend came. Idk. Was it this week? Last week? How many days has it been? My sleeping schedule's fucked up that I can't tell the days. Lol Oh yeah, I can check the first time we talked in Discord. It was that day.

Okay, it was 8 days ago, June 10. How is it 8 days already? Lol

Ah man, I need to disappear again.

Just Another Random Wave of Something

Ugh I feel like crying XD

Just a Train of Thought I Had Earlier

I'm like what if you jumped and then I'm also like nah it ain't high enough but I'm also like it's high enough to hurt yourself which you want but lastly I'm like nah that's idiotic and stupid and you don't like stupidity.

Just a Different Address

I changed my blog address. Don't want the people who previously viewed my blog easily view my blog now.

Just Saying It Straightforward

I'm pretty sure I'm going to kill myself. Not any time soon. That would be too obvious. Lol

Just a Poem About Self Love

"I hate myself"
No, darling, do not say that
It is contagious
You would not want me hating myself, too
Which I have, most of my life

"I hate myself"
Darling, you are beautiful,
You are tenderhearted
You do not deserve to do that to yourself
You deserve to be kind to yourself

"I am beautiful"
Yes, darling, you are
Own it and mean it
That is truth
Do not let your false beliefs trick you into thinking you are not

"I love myself"
...
...
I am happy, darling, that you have said that
For I love you, too

Just Uploading My Lips

Part of being my own cheerleader and changing to a more positive mindset is to focus on the things I love about myself. For now, I am saying that I love my lips. I am not letting myself feel like shit again.

Just Being My Own Cheerleader

I have decided to be kind to myself now. I'm getting my shit together again. It may fall apart again, but I'm not going to let it break me. I'm done with being angsty.

Just Schindler's List

I just watched Schindler's List. I finally got that good cry I wanted.

Just Some Drawings in VRChat

Last night, I decided to draw in VRChat, because I wasn't really in a socializing mood. When I moved to a world for solely drawing, I keep getting frustrated because some toxic people keep clearing up everything while I was drawing. I just breathed it out and not raged. I don't have anger management issues. Believe me, I wanted to shout but I didn't. It was 2 am - 4 am so that would not be ideal. Yep, kept calm. Yep.

Drew this on a door in Summer Solitude

Accidentally dropped the marker
 so it ended with that.
When you drop the marker,
you can't draw in the same dimension anymore.

Didn't really like this one

Didn't really like this one either

Unfinished and interrupted drawing

Left the drawing world and went to a piano simulation world. The pianist was really good. Played beautiful pieces. I drew while I was listening to them play. While I was drawing this Robert Downey Jr., I suddenly noticed that his left eye was missing. I investigated and saw that a buff Raichu was erasing it. I was feeling a boiling rage. I checked the other drawing and it was gone. Fuck. So I decided to forget it with this one. Tried to focus on the piano, then logged out after a while.

Just Transferring a Supposed-to-be-message From My Notes to This Blog

I typed the following on the 26th. I was planning to send it on a channel in a Discord server for people with Bipolar Disorder. I didn't send it in the end:

Having a depressive episode. Joined this group to interact with ppl who'd know what it's like. Played lots of games and played my musical instruments and done a lot of other stuff to distract me from my thoughts. Tried to socialize on VRChat and make new friends. But then socializing is draining. Every time I try to sleep I feel like shit. Don't have much appetite. Constantly nauseous. Puked earlier and the other day. I feel like a burden if I try to talk about it or maybe ask for help bcause people also have their own shit to deal with, even though I know I shouldn't feel that way and that there's nothing wrong with needing other people. Need a good cry. Want a good cry. Can't cry. I've tried watching sad clips and I did cry, but it wasn't that cathartic. I need a more good cry. The other day a friend from VRChat told a story about his friend "Gabe" who was weird whom he didn't get why people didn't want to be with but then realized why after a while then one day "Gabe" was acting weird and aggressive one day and disappeared. When he came back my friend realized Gabe was bipolar and self harmed and that made me sad. He said "Gabe" is okay now. My friend doesn't know I have bipolar. I didn't mention it. I don't think he's ready for it. I should stop making dark jokes if I'm not gonna talk about it every time people get curious and ask about my life lmao I could go on with this rant but I guess it's too long and I

Yup. I'm seeing the overall wall of text now and wow that IS quite long even though it doesn't feel that way. Speaking of trying to talk about it, I also don't want to talk about it because it makes the other person empathize with you, which is similar to also making them feel like shit with you. When you mention you're sad, they also get sad in a way. Maybe they try to be sad with you so they'd try to know what it's like, or maybe they get sad because you're sad. Empathy kind of makes the other person feel what you feel. I don't want them to be sad. I swallow my sadness and feel the ache in my chest and in my stomach.

I also feel like my best friend was not all that depressed before I was her best friend. She was just receptive to sadness. Once she got to know me deeper, she caught my depression. Now she often talks about not having friends and sitting alone at the lunch table. I think depression is contagious. I infect the people with the negative vibe and bum them out. Empathy has that effect. That is just my opinion, though, and it may change over time.

Back then, she was a cool kid. She was a people magnet. (Am I still even her best friend when I'm not constantly talking with her anymore?) She makes friends easily. People like her. She was kind of like a social butterfly. I think I changed her. I now sound so full of myself. Maybe she went through other stuff too. I'm not the sole reason for the change. I should write a book. But there are many books about mental illness already.

Just Can't Get the Chocobo Tune Out of My Head

I want to ride my chocobo all day~

Just Can't Get a Break

You know what, I'm taking it as a clear sign from the universe that I shouldn't enroll a second course and just gonna be fucking confused what I'm supposed to do my whole life, which isn't gonna be a long one because I still don't think I'm gonna live past 30.

Explanation? First, the corona virus, which made the University close down. It also delayed the process for my Transcript of Records. It's been two months and I still haven't heard from the registrar. Fuck this. Now, I tried to join the orientation for incoming freshmen. They sent an email for a zoom meeting. It's supposed to start 15 minutes ago. When I tried to get in, it says it has reached a maximum of 100 participants already. Like, what the fuck? Half of those participants didn't even receive the email, I believe. This is all just bullshit. Okay, universe, I know you hate me. I'm gonna take it. No, I'm not gonna kill myself over this. lol Ugh, what am I supposed to do? I hate people and I hate my country and I hate everyone around me.

Just Listing Reasons

Was really feeling like shit. Was Googling bipolar suicide statistics, read an article, clicked on a link that said suicide contingency plan or sumth, and one step indicated to write reasons for living. It sounded corny but then I'm like, fuck it, I'll try anything to not feel like shit at this point. What do you know, I felt better after tweeting that. Lol

Just Another Update of How I'm Feeling Today

I feel like shit. Oh, wait. I just mentioned that three hours ago haha whoopsies

Just Brother Turning Off the TV While I was Watching

I still feel like shit. I'm going to keep mentioning it here until I don't feel like shit anymore.

Just Want Everything to End Hnnngghh

I feel a lot more shitty every time I try to sleep and/or every time before I sleep, as if my brain wants me to keep doing something. There isn't even anything to do. Sleep is the only thing that is surely going to give you comfort. Why the heck would you not let me give that to you?

I tried to sleep at 1:40 am. After around 30 minutes, I'm still awake, so I got up and went down, because I read that if you couldn't sleep after 30 minutes, then it's most likely you wouldn't be able to sleep most of the night so you have to get out of bed and read or something. Now it's 4:26 am. I still can't sleep. Goddammit.

I was whispering my thoughts out loud earlier. Not really a good sign. I blame myself for eating a lot of chocolate related food for the past two to three weeks even when I'm not allowed to eat chocolate. I deserve this.

Just Broke a Pencil

I was lying down while filling up a coloring book. After some time I decided to sit up and then I somehow sat on a bunch of pencils unintentionally. My fat ass broke this one :^(

Just Describing How I Currently Am

Depression had me nauseous and losing my appetite. I even puked after lunch. Lol. But I ain't even losing any weight which sucks. I hate being alive.

I haven't been regularly making my bed nor washing the dishes nor following my schedule. I feel like shit. Only stayed in Facebook for ten days. I feel nauseous.

I haven't written in my journal for a month. I'm not getting any regular sleep.

I wanna kill myself.

I want to go running. We're not allowed to go outside. I should get a job. I'm not in a good condition to work.

I can't have a bearable conversation with friends. I'm easily irritated.

I'm having cravings. They aren't good cravings. I have to suppress them. I need catharsis. The stuff I do for release isn't enough.

I wonder who has life easy for them. Lucky bastards.

Just Fucking Hate Cravings

I don't like being hormonal. The amount of suppression that I do is doubled.

Just Want People I Know to Know

I want to share this drawing to Facebook but I think there are people who aren't ready to see it. Haha

Just Want Something Other Than Me Burning

I want to smoke right now. Haha

Just Crashing and Burning

Ah. I feel like shit.

Just Froggy Things

This was me this morning:

Now I have a frog.

I'm going to let it go. I feel like Darla from Finding Nemo saving it in a jar. Lol