I typed the following on the 26th. I was planning to send it on a channel in a Discord server for people with Bipolar Disorder. I didn't send it in the end:
Having a depressive episode. Joined this group to interact with ppl who'd know what it's like. Played lots of games and played my musical instruments and done a lot of other stuff to distract me from my thoughts. Tried to socialize on VRChat and make new friends. But then socializing is draining. Every time I try to sleep I feel like shit. Don't have much appetite. Constantly nauseous. Puked earlier and the other day. I feel like a burden if I try to talk about it or maybe ask for help bcause people also have their own shit to deal with, even though I know I shouldn't feel that way and that there's nothing wrong with needing other people. Need a good cry. Want a good cry. Can't cry. I've tried watching sad clips and I did cry, but it wasn't that cathartic. I need a more good cry. The other day a friend from VRChat told a story about his friend "Gabe" who was weird whom he didn't get why people didn't want to be with but then realized why after a while then one day "Gabe" was acting weird and aggressive one day and disappeared. When he came back my friend realized Gabe was bipolar and self harmed and that made me sad. He said "Gabe" is okay now. My friend doesn't know I have bipolar. I didn't mention it. I don't think he's ready for it. I should stop making dark jokes if I'm not gonna talk about it every time people get curious and ask about my life lmao I could go on with this rant but I guess it's too long and I
Yup. I'm seeing the overall wall of text now and wow that IS quite long even though it doesn't feel that way. Speaking of trying to talk about it, I also don't want to talk about it because it makes the other person empathize with you, which is similar to also making them feel like shit with you. When you mention you're sad, they also get sad in a way. Maybe they try to be sad with you so they'd try to know what it's like, or maybe they get sad because you're sad. Empathy kind of makes the other person feel what you feel. I don't want them to be sad. I swallow my sadness and feel the ache in my chest and in my stomach.
I also feel like my best friend was not all that depressed before I was her best friend. She was just receptive to sadness. Once she got to know me deeper, she caught my depression. Now she often talks about not having friends and sitting alone at the lunch table. I think depression is contagious. I infect the people with the negative vibe and bum them out. Empathy has that effect. That is just my opinion, though, and it may change over time.
Back then, she was a cool kid. She was a people magnet. (Am I still even her best friend when I'm not constantly talking with her anymore?) She makes friends easily. People like her. She was kind of like a social butterfly. I think I changed her. I now sound so full of myself. Maybe she went through other stuff too. I'm not the sole reason for the change. I should write a book. But there are many books about mental illness already.
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