Just Blogging that I'm in My Home Country Again

I'm back home from Germany now. It's 2:36 AM. I'm thinking of not going back to the psychiatrist anymore and lower the lamotrigine dose by myself. Would I not need my meds anymore when I get employed? Maybe I will. But I need to get employed first so I would be able to pay for them. 

I want to go back to Germany. I want to be with my fiancé. For now, we just have to deal with the requirements. It was amazing there. I don't wanna be here. I mean, at least in this house. I want to move out. I don't like it here.

I should go brush my teeth now and go to sleep. See ya.

Just Don't Want To Remember This Dream Right Now So I Could Go Back To Sleep

I just had this horrible dream. So I was thinking about Shinji, right? I was searching up their name in a Discord server where we used to work (which is non-existent irl). I found pictures of us and their account. When suddenly, I was called to go up front cuz they were recognizing people for their productivity and stuff I think. My mom was taking my place since I just arrived and she wants me to go over. She was being all mom-y about it and I didn't want to. She was persistent and I screamed that I didn't want to. I went away but I still could hear her giving a speech about me not being her daughter anymore. Then I could hear her crying and stuff but it was actually my fiancé snoring irl lmao

Just Only Have One Person I Can Talk About This with and I Don't Want To

Last Sunday, a line was crossed. I'm having thoughts about it. Maybe I'll try to articulate it here. But I don't want people to find out about it.

I'm just wondering what happened and why did I let it. My conviction was so strong. My younger self would not be so proud of me. 

The carnal knowledge was not something to be proud of. But I don't want to regret it. It would just make me feel bad. Yeah, I'm thinking why I did it. I mean, how could I have done it.

Anyway, it already happened. I can't take it back. I thought I would be stronger than this. Turns out, everyone was right. And I really was not something special that I thought I was.