This cycle of feeling better and feeling worse can be really something. I feel guilty of getting his hopes up when I'm really planning to kill myself in the near future. At the same time, I don't really care how he feels. I am always at two ends, or maybe always in between. I am indecisive and now I'm spiraling into my train of thoughts about hate. All kinds of hate. Hate for myself, hate for everyone. Maybe this is just because of my eating habits so far. Maybe I'm just hangry. I shouldn't be awake at this hour but here I am. I want to ride a bike but I can't. Why can't it be July already so I can kill myself. Why can't I reach and maintain my ideal weight. I want to starve myself for 7 days. I want to die. I should change my pen name for this blog. Yeah. I should. I'll do it after I upload this post.
I guess I've been busy. I've been catching up on school's deadlines. We have exams every two weeks. I have to learn everything mostly by myself. The problems they give us are so random. I finished one module earlier, but that was only because I copied the answers. The questions were the same as the previous module. I don't know if that was a mistake, but fuck online classes, man. Modules have a lot of errors. There is a possibility that one can learn the wrong thing when relying on them. Good thing the vaccines are developed. Some have arrived here already. We may have face-to-face classes soon.
I don't know. I feel like quitting school already. Next semester, I'll already be a sophomore. Four more years till I graduate, if I don't fuck up.
Also, I'm very much in love with my boyfriend. Cringe, I know. My past self wouldn't see this happening. My past self would loathe me. But he makes it better sometimes. I have amounts of serotonin when we do things together. We haven't met face to face. This is stupid. How did something like corona even happen.
How is it even March again already?
Anyway, I still have suicidal thoughts. I'm still alive, yeah. I'm updating this blog. Maybe the max of me gone from here is 1 year, and then you can assume I'm dead. lol. Not that anyone reads this anyway. I think there is one, though. I get one view for each post. I don't know how you manage to get to my blog. I made it private on my Blogger profile, and even used a different URL now. It used to be my-love-like-antimony. I changed it cuz there were too many personal people who know the blog now. It is supposed to be a safe space. Lol.
My lips keep itching. My lips keep getting chafed. I recently use cream on them now. I used to use my lip treat but I think it makes it worse. Not sure.
I want the pandemic to end already.
Also, I don't really like being alive. I've established this on my previous posts. And I still don't want to live. I still wish I were dead. I really think I'm going to kill myself someday. I know I'm gonna hurt him. I know it's gonna damage him. I think it's mostly him these days why I'm still here. He makes it better. I better stop writing this paragraph and stop this line of words before I spiral.
A change of topic. Something more positive. It's mostly him. Yeah. It's him. He's a good thing happening in my life. I have a good life that I don't really want. Fuck. A bit of negativity slipped out there. lol whoops. Okay, yeah. Something positive. Or a different topic. Like this: I want to move out. My siblings are bad housemates. My mom is nice to me. It makes me crazy. I think my dad's the only one cool in this house. I don't even have a job. I didn't like my previous job. I don't think I can find a job that's likeable. Does a person need a degree to be a librarian? Not sure. Lol
I guess that's enough update for now. I thought I'd updated this blog a lot but it doesn't look like that for this year so far.
