Just Having a Nightmare About Bugs

Just had a nightmare of my maternal grandma (who is dead already) in which she was in a nursing home. We talked and it was a bit emotional. I forgot what we talked about. Then we hugged and she felt pain. I called for a doctor and the nurse outside came. He shaved her head and there were bugs all over. Started removing them. Then there were more bugs coming from underneath her scalp. He opened her scalp and there were more bigger bugs. There was a big one and the nurse tried to pull it out but her brain with her brain stem got pulled out instead and the big wasp like bug flew around and tried to get me and I woke up with my heart beating fast. The air blowing on me from the fan was too cold and I needed to pee. I still haven't peed now I'm gonna do it now.

Just Don't Know if I Should Be Worried Or Not

I just noticed a small light mole under my right breast and when I touch it, it slightly hurts. Kind of like a tingly hurt. When I press down I think I could feel cyst like things. Typing it here just in case. Also to save the date and time. 

Just Giving a Short Update

Haven't updated this place since June started. I ain't dead yet. Lol. I was really productive the whole week. I'm giving myself a reset in the weekends. I am declaring that I am hypomanic. Does productivity really mean hypomania? Who knows. Productivity + difficulty in sleeping, yeah I guess so. 

July is nearing. I really wanted to do it by then. But I don't want to hurt him. But I love him. One of the burdens of living.

I probably won't do it. I want to. I shouldn't. Ugh. Why is it like this? Maybe give it another year? I don't know. 

It wouldn't be this hard if I just wasn't born.