Just Fatigue, Maybe PMDD

What if I don't feel better by tomorrow? What happens then? 

Just Ranting in September 2021

Tired of experiencing these high highs and low lows over and over again (mostly low lows lol) that even with hard work, the symptoms still come through you.

I'm almost there to my weight goal. I'm still far from getting that degree. Right now, I'm having suicidal thoughts. I don't want them. Writing here so I won't ruminate. Journaling helps, I think.

Why was I ever born

Here we go again with this thought

Why does it always come back

I'm spiraling

Help me.

I always wonder if I need meds and then I sit on that thought and not get any. I don't want to get fat because of them. My hardwork in working out would be wasted. I don't want the brain fog as the side effect. 

No one to talk to. Not no one, I just don't want to bother people. Listening to someone like this is exhausting. That's why this blog exists. So I won't personally bother people. The people who are willing to be bothered comes to the blog.

I want to sleep. 

Just Really Want to Quit

 I am tired. I want to drop out.

Maybe I'm just stressed.

I don't want to do this anymore, right now.

I can't do it.

Maybe I can, just not now.

Just 24 Years

I'm gonna be 24 in October. I am still on the process of accepting it. I really want to die at my current age since it's a great number. I guess it's not gonna happen anymore. It's far from happening. I got my second dose for Covid-19 yesterday. I'm not putting an effort into dying. I'm doing the opposite. I've been working out and taking vitamins. I try to eat a balanced diet. I'm not dying any time soon. I guess I'm fine with that. 

It's 1:32 am. I'm having anxiety. I slept most of the day because I was suffering some side effects. 

I am trying to type here now so I won't get into disorganized thinking. I had a caption in mind for the profile picture I'm going to upload on Facebook for my birthday: "Kinda loathe my existence. Here's to 24 years of it, I guess."

Just Trying to Stay That Way

Holding on to the "functioning" part in "high-functioning bipolar disorder".

Just a Quiz on Engineering Data Analysis

I'm so drained I think I got a zero on that quiz but whatever.

Mannnn...

Why is it like this

Just a September Entry Cuz I Thought About Updating This Blog

My left wrist hurts. Not sure it's just muscle pain from doing arm exercises last Thursday, or an injury. Ugh. Or maybe stress. I've been often getting headaches this week. Or maybe last week. It's the stress. I bought lavender essential oil last Thursday, to help with the stress. Maybe I'll buy some Stresstabs tomorrow, for the stress.

My birthday's nearing. I want to die before then. It's probably not gonna happen like the past wants of dying. Can stress kill you? Maybe I should stop trying to alleviate it and just let it take me. Ugh. I just googled if stress could kill you but stress itself can't. Cardiovascular problems that arise from it will. I've been working out consistently last month, so I don't think it's gonna happen.

This morning, I recorded the video for our PE exam. I really think I shouldn't be taking PE anymore. Whatever.

Every subject I'm taking up is getting harder and complicated each week. They are not really slowing down. How did people deal with this? 

I hope it gets easier some time soon. Every now and then, I consider going to therapy. My savings are depleting. I don't think I could go to therapy. But I also think I could. Ugh, having bipolar disorder sucks.