I'm better now. I hate the menstrual cycle. Lol.
I have an exam later. I really should study. I don't feel like it. I only just want to play. The exam last Saturday was a disaster. I really can't with school anymore.
I ran out of quetiapine. Now I can't sleep. Now the thoughts can creep in again. Ugh. Stupid me forgot to replenish them. I thought I still had some in the box.
Last week I wrote a spreadsheet of pros and cons of dropping out and working, and staying in school. Dropping out seemed like the better option. I really want to get this degree though. Some time after when I let Shiloh join in the spreadsheet, the part where I tried to let her recall the time when Victor said that he thought that I would choose a different path, made me cry. That was last Thursday, I think. I was still emotional on Friday. Yesterday, I still was. I also cried. Today, I cried, too, lmao. Is this normal when you're hormonal? lol
Anyway, can't sleep. Was at bed at around 9:30. I shouldn't have spent time on my phone. I started to spiral unto getting my hands on some bitter almonds. I read that 50 of them could kill you. Then I started to have anxiety and felt really bad. I grabbed my guitar at some point. I also grabbed my notebook that has drawings at some point too. I can't recall which one I did first. Maybe I grabbed the notebook first. I wanted to draw how I looked like lying down, feeling like shit. I drew some guide circles and I felt like it really wasn't my style drawing that way. I started to draw an anime eye below it. I ended up drawing an anime profile. It made me feel better for a while. I lied down again, then the thoughts of wanting to die still persisted. I grabbed my guitar and played My Heart by Paramore softly. I was feeling reeeallly anxious and every time I was gonna cry I just whispered the lyrics, or made no sound at all. I don't think I finished the song and just sobbed quietly. I played River Flows in You instead since it did not involve any singing. I figured that playing it was really redundant because I always play it every time I grab my guitar. At some point I played Roundabout shortly. After that, I wanted to sing Summertime by My Chemical Romance. I had to stop a bunch of times because I was always tearing up and I didn't want anyone to hear a singing crying voice that's cringe-y. Lol. I know it's not really cringe-y but... *sigh*...
I still couldn't sleep and it was more than 15 minutes of trying already. It was between 11:30-12:00 that I got off from bed. I have a quiz in Organic Chemistry tomorrow. My brain isn't absorbing any information. I can't feed it. I put my clothes in the washer around 30 minutes ago. Not all of them. I'm doing them by batch. Segregating the color and all.
In the afternoon, I finished watching Invincible with Seiya and Yuta. We didn't expect that it was actually the last episode. That's why they woke up early. We proceeded to watch one episode of this anime about kids playing arcade games. After that, I suggested we watch Mieruko-chan.
I think my thoughts are running out now.
No they're not. lol
I want to deactivate my Facebook account, man. But I can't because of school. Oh wait, I actually can and just leave my messenger account. Yeah. Doing it right now. Oh god, I remember how I hate anxiety.
Also, fuck. Help. Trying to ground myself. Things are starting to feel unreal. I think it's dissociation. Grounding myself now. Fuck. It happened earlier, too.
Ahhhhh I'm good now. I just searched the term dissociate in the bipolar support server.
When will this menstruation come and go and end my suffering already.
I am tired. I want to drop out.
Maybe I'm just stressed.
I don't want to do this anymore, right now.
I can't do it.
Maybe I can, just not now.
Holding on to the "functioning" part in "high-functioning bipolar disorder".
Haven't updated this place since June started. I ain't dead yet. Lol. I was really productive the whole week. I'm giving myself a reset in the weekends. I am declaring that I am hypomanic. Does productivity really mean hypomania? Who knows. Productivity + difficulty in sleeping, yeah I guess so.
July is nearing. I really wanted to do it by then. But I don't want to hurt him. But I love him. One of the burdens of living.
I probably won't do it. I want to. I shouldn't. Ugh. Why is it like this? Maybe give it another year? I don't know.
It wouldn't be this hard if I just wasn't born.
In my dream this morning I tried to overdose
Suicidal when awake,
Suicidal when asleep
What do I make out of this
I thought I could find a good one in this blog. I don't seem to have one. Lol. I have one, that essay I wrote for my previous English class. But, let me just try if I can make a better one.
__________________________________________________________________________
All she knows about the future is that it is really uncertain.
She did not think she would be here, in front of an audience, reciting a poem. She thought she would be somewhere else. Actually, she did not really think about the future. She does not like making any plans. They never go as she wants to, just like in the past. People can learn a thing or two from the past.
The future is uncertain.
She did not think that she would feel this much. She feels like her once dark surroundings are now pink. Not fully colored, no. Pink. As in happy or not sad. She used to constantly feel like she was always missing a step, or like she was hexed by a witch to be rained on.
The future is not for sure.
You were ready to just let it all go. You were ready to let it fall a cliff, stomp on its hand if it clung, and destroy its hope to hold on. You did not. You figured that all you had to do was ride the wave and enjoy it. Live in the moment and not let unimportant things matter. Get yourself together and be happy, for once. Being a downer is being a donkey.
The present is for sure.
You know that right now is happening. You know that right now is worth every effort, every burn out, every stress. You know how to cope. You know which buttons not to press. You know which ropes to pull. You learned a lot for the past couple of years. And you know that there are still so much more to learn. Crying causes catharsis. Claiming clueless crying characteristics chases columns of crisis in Christine's chest.
The present is certain.
I have drowned and then resurfaced. I thank the hands that gripped my shirt until I got off that ledge. Living in the moment is what matters. The present is important.
I typed a paragraph but it disappeared and I don't want to retype it anymore.
He messaged my brother. It bummed me out. I don't want to be mad at him. He had good intentions. But he doesn't get it. I haven't explained it. Explaining stuff is not one of my greatest strengths. It was supposed to be easy. *sigh*
I did not think it would be a big deal
Actually, I did
But I thought that I could just ignore it
I must be just hungry
I am not sure.
I still can't forget that guy from Bangladesh I video chatted in Omegle years ago. He wore a skeleton mask and was funny and talkative and lives with his mom. I wonder if he remembers that moment too. Hmm...
This cycle of feeling better and feeling worse can be really something. I feel guilty of getting his hopes up when I'm really planning to kill myself in the near future. At the same time, I don't really care how he feels. I am always at two ends, or maybe always in between. I am indecisive and now I'm spiraling into my train of thoughts about hate. All kinds of hate. Hate for myself, hate for everyone. Maybe this is just because of my eating habits so far. Maybe I'm just hangry. I shouldn't be awake at this hour but here I am. I want to ride a bike but I can't. Why can't it be July already so I can kill myself. Why can't I reach and maintain my ideal weight. I want to starve myself for 7 days. I want to die. I should change my pen name for this blog. Yeah. I should. I'll do it after I upload this post.
I guess I've been busy. I've been catching up on school's deadlines. We have exams every two weeks. I have to learn everything mostly by myself. The problems they give us are so random. I finished one module earlier, but that was only because I copied the answers. The questions were the same as the previous module. I don't know if that was a mistake, but fuck online classes, man. Modules have a lot of errors. There is a possibility that one can learn the wrong thing when relying on them. Good thing the vaccines are developed. Some have arrived here already. We may have face-to-face classes soon.
I don't know. I feel like quitting school already. Next semester, I'll already be a sophomore. Four more years till I graduate, if I don't fuck up.
Also, I'm very much in love with my boyfriend. Cringe, I know. My past self wouldn't see this happening. My past self would loathe me. But he makes it better sometimes. I have amounts of serotonin when we do things together. We haven't met face to face. This is stupid. How did something like corona even happen.
How is it even March again already?
Anyway, I still have suicidal thoughts. I'm still alive, yeah. I'm updating this blog. Maybe the max of me gone from here is 1 year, and then you can assume I'm dead. lol. Not that anyone reads this anyway. I think there is one, though. I get one view for each post. I don't know how you manage to get to my blog. I made it private on my Blogger profile, and even used a different URL now. It used to be my-love-like-antimony. I changed it cuz there were too many personal people who know the blog now. It is supposed to be a safe space. Lol.
My lips keep itching. My lips keep getting chafed. I recently use cream on them now. I used to use my lip treat but I think it makes it worse. Not sure.
I want the pandemic to end already.
Also, I don't really like being alive. I've established this on my previous posts. And I still don't want to live. I still wish I were dead. I really think I'm going to kill myself someday. I know I'm gonna hurt him. I know it's gonna damage him. I think it's mostly him these days why I'm still here. He makes it better. I better stop writing this paragraph and stop this line of words before I spiral.
A change of topic. Something more positive. It's mostly him. Yeah. It's him. He's a good thing happening in my life. I have a good life that I don't really want. Fuck. A bit of negativity slipped out there. lol whoops. Okay, yeah. Something positive. Or a different topic. Like this: I want to move out. My siblings are bad housemates. My mom is nice to me. It makes me crazy. I think my dad's the only one cool in this house. I don't even have a job. I didn't like my previous job. I don't think I can find a job that's likeable. Does a person need a degree to be a librarian? Not sure. Lol
I guess that's enough update for now. I thought I'd updated this blog a lot but it doesn't look like that for this year so far.
I wanted to send this to a Discord server dedicated to what goes on in people's minds. I couldn't, so I'll just write it all here, as usual. Maybe I'll change my mind and paste it all there. Who knows?
I don't like feeling this. It's a constant thing. It goes away; it comes back. I should go to therapy but my past experiences with therapy sometimes works and sometimes doesn't. Most of the time it didn't. I should take medication but the side effects make it worse. I'm used to doing it like this, even if I suffer. I don't like how it's expensive, either.
Now I'm doing one of my coping mechanisms. Writing. I choose from a cesspool of activities I find myself I could engage to. Because what else could I do when the monster likes to eat up my enjoyment for things? It is: to make more things to choose from so I wouldn't run out.
I've been around for a while that my brain knows already but it still just can't figure it out. Why does it always have to be like this? Why should it always cycle? Why is it going to be with me for the rest of my life? Why do the lows have to be low- very fucking low? Why can't they be the normal amount? Why are the high highs less there? Why are they fleeting? If God is so perfect, why does this happen? It hurts. Making an effort to breathe hurts.
I'm not sure how to conclude this, really. It's a usual habit of mine to be awkward and maybe just end the wall of text like this.
I took a removal exam because I failed on the first try. I partially used ctrl f function to find the answers for that and I felt like I was going to get a perfect score so I thought I should make a couple of wrong answers on purpose so it wouldn't seem that I cheated. On the removal exam I did the same thing and my score only increased two points and still failed. I hate my life.
I tried to watch Euphoria so I wouldn't think about it and get depressed. I cried on the third episode. It was a good diatraction. I tried to sleep after watching but I couldn't because I was feeling depressed and was fantasizing about my death. I got up now. I'm just waiting for my sleeping tea to cool so I could drink it and them hopefully I'd be able to sleep after.
I just woke up from a dream where I wrote down at the last page of my notebook "I want to cut myself" and "I want to die".
I'm thinking of just working now and earn some munzzszx cuz 5 years without savings is a long way and I would probably have already earned a lot by then rather than just studying something I'm borderline feeling of quitting already.
