This cycle of feeling better and feeling worse can be really something. I feel guilty of getting his hopes up when I'm really planning to kill myself in the near future. At the same time, I don't really care how he feels. I am always at two ends, or maybe always in between. I am indecisive and now I'm spiraling into my train of thoughts about hate. All kinds of hate. Hate for myself, hate for everyone. Maybe this is just because of my eating habits so far. Maybe I'm just hangry. I shouldn't be awake at this hour but here I am. I want to ride a bike but I can't. Why can't it be July already so I can kill myself. Why can't I reach and maintain my ideal weight. I want to starve myself for 7 days. I want to die. I should change my pen name for this blog. Yeah. I should. I'll do it after I upload this post.
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