Just a Deadline

I'll give myself 3 months.

Just the Only Solution I Could Think Of

I need to escape from this situation I am in. And the only solution I could think of is killing myself.

Just Trying to Put Into Words on Some of the Thoughts I'm Having

Why am I mentally ill? Why was I ever born? Why can't I be normal?

I forgot about the suicidal thoughts for a while, but I guess it was just too good to be true. Now they're back and they're haunting me. I've never considered hanging because it would be a horrific scene when my body's discovered. Never considered cutting because it would be too messy. Now, I just want it to be done with. I remember when I tried to overdose, there was just nothingness. Life after death must not be real. Maybe. I wouldn't want another life after I'm done with this one. What if I just walk in a dark alley and have someone stab me? It may be a good idea, but it's less likely to happen. Davao is considered the safest city, after all. Or maybe that has changed since Duterte's regime.

I'd go back to art for its therapeutic effect against all this. However, I don't have a desk to draw on anymore. My room is really messy and I do not have motivation to clean it all up. The moldy vomit in the trash bin is still there. The smell when you come into the room whiffs your nose.

I don't want to go back to the shrink. I don't want to say the same things every session over and over again and have her tell me the same things repeatedly. I don't like the way how she wants us to think of a solution of how to solve this mess. I just want her to tell me directly the solution, and none of those shenanigans. I don't want to spend money on that. I'm tired of taking meds, which I've already stopped for 3 months now, and tried to overdose on last month.

I marked my calendar yesterday. I don't think it would work out. The universe conspires to prevent it. Maybe, by some miracle, it would all work out. Why does everything happen they way they do? I really wish I wasn't born so I wouldn't have to deal with all of this shit.

Just So I Could Kill Myself

I'm thinking about buying a gun.

Just an Anti-anxiety Banana Plushie

Just Stay by Mayday Parade

I need some time. Just deliver the things that I need for now. Everything that I feel's like a warm deep calm casting over me and it's taking me to somewhere new. 

If you believe that everything's alright, you won't be all alone tonight, and I'd be blessed by the light of your company, slowly lifting me to somewhere new.

Oh can you tell, I haven't slept very well since the last time that we spoke? You said "Please understand if I see you again don't even say hello."

Please.

What a night it is, when you live like this and you're coming up beneath the clouds. Don't let me down. All the love's still there. I just don't know what to do with it now.

You know, I still can't believe we both did some things I don't even wanna think about. Just say you love me and I'll say "I'm sorry, I don't want anybody else to feel this way", no, no, no.

Oh can you tell, I haven't slept very well since the last time that we spoke? I said "Please understand I've been drinking again, and all I do is hope"

Please stay, please stay.

I'll admit I was wrong about everything 'cause I'm high and I don't wanna come down. All the fun that we had on your mothers couch, I don't even wanna think about. I'm not strong enough for the both of us. What was I supposed to do? You know I love you. Please stay.

Stay.

Just Paralyzed in the Nap Room

I took a nap earlier and as I was beginning to doze off I had a sleep paralysis. I woke up from that and tried to sleep again then it happened again. My body was stiff and I tried to move my fingers and toes so I could wake up. I woke up again then went back to sleep because sleep is life.

Just 6:30 in the Morning

For the past 3 months, all I talk about here are suicide attempts and about wanting to die a lot. I can't help it. I don't talk to anyone about this. There are some people who I tell this to but I don't give much detail.

I don't even know what the point of this post is. Lol.

Most of the blogs I follow in blogger don't update that much and I was searching for new ones to follow. I wish there were more bloggers there that have the same interests as me.

I don't know what to do with my life. Every week, I keep thinking about doing it. And when the time comes of the scheduled date, something comes up that would make me postpone it to the next week. Maybe I'm doing this wrong. Maybe I shouldn't set up a date and just actually do it. I mean, I did actually do it at one point, but it wasn't effective. I knew it wouldn't be effective. I guess a part of me doesn't want to do it? More than a half of me, even? Because if I truly do want to do it, I wouldn't be here right now. I would have already been gone 3 months ago. God, why can't life stop playing games with me and just let me do it.

Where did all the time go? It's already the second week of May. It would be June soon, the other half of the year.

Maybe I should do it later. It may be impulsive, but it may also be effective.

Just a Craving

I'm at work right now and I wish I had alcohol.