Just Didn't Think I Would Write This Much for This Post

I am in a mood. Earlier, I googled about feeling empty. I don't feel emptiness in my heart, though. More like a... I just thought of derealization and dissociation. I guess I should look up those now if that's what I'm in the mood in.

Ayt, it's closer to depersonalization and derealization than dissociation. Let me just keep typing... I have to pause from time to time because it feels like... I'm still doing it. Help. Lmao. 

Anyway, let me distract myself from doing it by typing more, and focus on typing. I would like to share that I set a timer for the social media apps, so I wouldn't be on my phone a lot, which hinders a lot of productivity. Welp, I guess that's the only update I want to share. Lmao. 

Oh yeah, maybe it's because of thinking a lot of religion again. It's starting up some symptoms. Yup. It's a fucking trigger. Why didn't I stay away from the topic. Maybe I should be honest with my dad on how triggering church is, and how his light, guilt-inducing reprimands aren't good for my bipolar disorder. I already feel bad with not going, but going also makes me feel bad. I am trapped. These feelings, I hate them. I try not to dwell on them but it's difficult when you get reminded by it over and over again.

And as for being jobless and not earning money, I don't like it. But working also is going to feel like a chore. 

Boredom is making me depressed, too.

I don't know anymore. Maybe I should stop writing because I'm starting to pour out a lot.

Just Petty Motivation

I think most of my achievements came from the drive of trying to prove people wrong. Nowadays, people believe in me too much, so I don't get much done. There's just the embarassment when proven wrong in people that gives me a boost in being into something I do.

Maybe I should redirect the belief into myself, like, thinking I can't do something and see if I can prove myself wrong... Man, it's not the same when it's from other people lmao

Just Remembered While Folding Clothes

I did some art again. Here's it is.

Took a pic first before I ruin it with color.

Erased some of the pencil lines because I remembered I couldn't anymore once I painted over them.

Thought it looked okay already. Took a pic before I shade the dress with a different color. Also, the water color is wet.

This may be my final edit. Had to wait for it to dry some more. It's night time so I'd have better lighting for the pic during the day tomorrow.

Had to decide whether to write the caption in cursive or not. Went with cursive even though I felt a little disappointed to do so. Haha.

Just His Birthday Last Saturday

I forgot to upload an artwork I made for his birthday. Here it is:

Also, my menstruation is done and mood isn't as down as the previous blogpost was. The bad thoughts still linger a little bit. I hope the yoga and the jogging will let it die down until the next menstrual period. lmao.

Just When I Thought

Just as when I thought that I won't be dying before 30, imagining the post I will upload on Facebook on my 30th birthday about living and being grateful still being alive (I'm still curently 25 years old), the thoughts which I haven't had for a while is back. I blame the hormones. Maybe I need an increase in my Lamotrigine (currently on 50mg for maybe 3 months). I have recently increased interactions in the Bipolar Bears server. Not sure if that contributes to the slow descent. Reading about other people having a bad time lowkey gives me a bad time. I guess I should avoid chatting there for a while. Maybe it's my fault she's having a bad time, that she was used to the server with mostly being quiet. 

I don't like how I'm annoyed at him (He doesn't know. I try not to give him a hard time with me). I'm usually very lovey-dovey towards him during menstruation. Now, the feeling of dread(?) is there and the urge to isolate is there, which is weird because I'm not even talking with people online that much. Usually it's just him and my best friend. And it's not often that I talk with her online because she's also constantly having a bad time, which is bad for my mental health, too. Empathizing gives me a bad time.

Now I'm thinking that I could write a fiction story with all the stuff I just typed. Lol. Now that I'm conscious about it, it's going to be weird and it would be like I'm writing in the third person now, which doesn't seem genuine anymore. So, let's scratch that idea. I'm not gonna say "for now" because I have a ship of ideas that aren't sailing. Just stagnant with the fuel being consumed empty.