Just When I Thought

Just as when I thought that I won't be dying before 30, imagining the post I will upload on Facebook on my 30th birthday about living and being grateful still being alive (I'm still curently 25 years old), the thoughts which I haven't had for a while is back. I blame the hormones. Maybe I need an increase in my Lamotrigine (currently on 50mg for maybe 3 months). I have recently increased interactions in the Bipolar Bears server. Not sure if that contributes to the slow descent. Reading about other people having a bad time lowkey gives me a bad time. I guess I should avoid chatting there for a while. Maybe it's my fault she's having a bad time, that she was used to the server with mostly being quiet. 

I don't like how I'm annoyed at him (He doesn't know. I try not to give him a hard time with me). I'm usually very lovey-dovey towards him during menstruation. Now, the feeling of dread(?) is there and the urge to isolate is there, which is weird because I'm not even talking with people online that much. Usually it's just him and my best friend. And it's not often that I talk with her online because she's also constantly having a bad time, which is bad for my mental health, too. Empathizing gives me a bad time.

Now I'm thinking that I could write a fiction story with all the stuff I just typed. Lol. Now that I'm conscious about it, it's going to be weird and it would be like I'm writing in the third person now, which doesn't seem genuine anymore. So, let's scratch that idea. I'm not gonna say "for now" because I have a ship of ideas that aren't sailing. Just stagnant with the fuel being consumed empty.