Just a Line From a Song

If you kiss me good night, I'll know everything is alright.

Just Resisting

Why do I have the urge to smoke right now?

Just a Mirror Selfie Drawing

Just Wrote Song Lyrics on My Arm Last Night

YOU CAN WRITE IT ON YOUR ARM.

Ps. I felt like dissociating last night so I slept it off. I still feel a bit of it right now. Help. Jk. I'm good. Hehehehe.

Just Preventing Small Chaos

This past month I see to it that I make my bed everyday when I wake up because I'm starting to think that if one thing in my life starts becoming messy, the rest will follow like a landslide.

Just Reactivation within a Day

I reactivated Facebook because I was at a family gathering and I needed to appease my social anxiety.

Just Someone Writing a Haiku

A friend from Discord platonically wrote haikus for me.

Self sustaining fruit
Banana ripe from the tree
Does not require love

No lover since birth
Cringe in the sight of romance
Alone forever

Just Bad Holiday Blues Timing

I deactivated Facebook again. I think I'm going to make it a thing to deactivate my account every time I feel an ounce of shittiness.

Just Jinxed

Welp, I've had a bit of "I wanna die thought" a few times, which ends the streak of 0 suicidal thoughts for the past weeks. I just try to shut them off every time they come in because I'm still trying to keep my shit together. Why do I always get jinxed when I declare stuff? This is why I rarely share things I don't want to ruin.

Just that They're Back and I Feel Like a Spark Long Lost Has Been Rekindled

I saw this post from MCR in YouTube and this particular comment from Nathan with the doge profile pic has said it in words, the thoughts I had about them returning. My heart is full.

Just Fueled by Coffee at Noon

Idk I've been suicidal for 11 months in 2019 (even long before that, lol) but come late November and this past month I've mostly got 0 suicidal thoughts every day. I have not believed in "Things will get better" or other motivational quotes for a long time and I will not go back to that. I'm still nihilistic. I just... have to get my shit together, snap out of it or some sort. I got 'em together. I'm trying to keep 'em together. I still don't (I don't think I even will) have a long term goal. I've made lists, though, a schedule of some sort, to keep me occupied, for distraction. Short term goals if you may say. Oh boy, they work. I get a sense of fulfillment when I've done a task.

Looking at what I have written down so far, it all sounds pathetic (at least in my own point of view of how pathetic I am), especially the sense of fulfillment part. Sheesh.

Anyway, the year is ending. The decade is ending. My best year of the decade goes to 2012. Worst year is 2014. Gahd. 2014. I... Hngh...

No expectations for 2020, like how there hasn't been any for the past years. Anything unpredictable could happen. Best to have an open mind. I like spontaneity. You get to adjust accordingly. If you ask me what I want, well, am I still even allowed to want anything at this point?

Just a Message I Wrote Her Two Weeks Ago

Yeah I don't really keep myself updated with the news because I already know how shitty and corrupted people can be. The truth comes out in the end, maybe a hundred years later. There are also times that it will never come out and that could be frustrating. You can't really stop evil people from doing bad things. It's a bummer. We shouldn't really accept that. Can we do anything? We always wish we could. We probably could. We wish we knew how. At the end of the day, we go on about our daily lives and the news would end up forgotten. It will be sad, yes. We never got over Ghajini, yes. Tragedies make good stories, yeah. It just hurts to deal with the emotion that comes with a good story.

Her response: what the heck was that lmao

Just a Month of Entries

I ran out of pages from my journal yesterday. Today, I'm going to start writing on another notebook. It probably won't last long either.

Just a Declaration

I'm gonna say it. I'm done with my suicidal phase. Will it come back? Who knows? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Just a Kind of Sad Episode

I just watched ep 11 seas 4 of BoJack Horseman and I'm crying right now.

Just a Message to Notebook Hoarders

To all notebook hoarders out there, you should probably already start using your blank notebooks, because once you start writing, you can't really stop. Well, at least in my case. It has only been 25 days and I have already almost filled this journal.

Between the pinky and ring finger are pre-printed texts included in the journal; Between the ring finger and middle finger are the pages I have already written on; and between the middle finger and the pointer finger are the remaining pages I have yet to write on.

It's probably not the same for everyone because I have a lot of free time now that I'm unemployed, so I get to write more. But yeah, this is a sign that you should start using your blank notebooks if you're a notebook hoarder like me.

Just Going to Sleep First Before Writing Down My Day

Too tired to write a proper update. But I went to Gene's dad's wake.

Just Piano Accompaniment Practice

Focused on music the whole day. Took almost 3 hours to change the notes into words because I'm weak when it comes to reading scales. See below for reference.

When I was done, I tried to play everything on the piano. Took 6 hours (with breaks of course. I'd go insane without 'em). I'm done now and I don't think I could play it very well. Lol

Just My Day Today, Wednesday

Update for today? I already wrote a lot about it on my journal. A bit tired to write another one here.

Ps. Didn't do art as it was supposed to be originally scheduled today.

Just PLDC

Internet's so slow. My gahd.

Just Keeping Shit Together

I thought of updating this blog with a post saying "I haven't felt shitty in a while. This is great!" but it got jinxed last night and I was not able to do that anymore. Lol Keeping your shit together is hard, man, if you focus your attention to it. I shouldn't even think about it. Shit should be able to keep themselves together by their own, like, naturally. I'm trying not to be a sad little fuck. Yesterday morning, I actually said "Good morning" to myself. It was nice. I don't know what happened later in the day that made the day turn 180. It wasn't that bad, but I shouldn't have random sad spurts if I wanna keep the good vibes up.

Anyway, I slept at 8 pm and woke up at 4 am. Listened to some music, and I was starting to feel all over again. I'm like, channel this energy unto something else, please. And my mind was floating and was imagining this art idea, so I decided to act on it immediately before the idea disappears. You have no idea how many ideas came into my mind that got wasted because I was too lazy or thought I'd do it someday but not now and end up forgotten in the end.

Just Some Photos I Want to Upload

The moon, Jupiter, and Venus

Mah room

Shower drawing

Look how cute they are

She' so cute #nohomo

They're cuddling lol

Guarding dogs

Sylvia aka Woo-woo

Mom's plants

Mom's cacti and mangosteen peels

I suck at darts

Joyper aka Duy-duy/Magic

Lil' Banana's finally home

Lil' Banana looks good in her place in my room