Just Already December 2022

A lot has happened this year. (Maybe that's why I haven't been writing as much in this blog as in the past.) I've met the love of my life. I went to Germany. I made friends. Went to a party and got drunk. I'm not actively having suicidal thoughts that much, except now, when I get reminded. For now, I'm in a waiting game. I'll get married soon. Didn't even think it would happen 3 years ago. Even my testament to not living past 30 years old seems far from happening now. I wonder how past me would think about all of this. I mean, some part of her knew how love is, even if she hated to admit it (e.g that essay from college about why do we love that she was and still is so proud about). 

I don't wanna jinx it by writing it here, so I won't. 

I'm still going with the flow and riding the wave of the sea, even though I don't know how to swim, even when he already tried to teach me. Haha. Sure, I've somehow surprisingly made a few positive plans for the future. Let's just see how things go.

Just Didn't Want to Participate so I'm Putting it Here

 

Leonardo da Vinci, a renaissance man.

He was good at every aspect and I wanted to be like that. Maybe that's why I couldn't choose a degree and I'm unemployed rn lmao (too overqualified at anything to be restrained to do one thing) (also underqualified at the same time) (lol now i sound arrogant) (lol now i sound like i'm humble bragging) (ok im stopping)

Just Drew a Thing

Reference to what happened last Saturday, 11-09-2022.

Just Journaling and Had a Party Last Saturday

Alright, alright. I'm just gonna write about it since my mind is kinda racing rn, and I don't want it to complicate into psychosis (I just watched Mob Psycho and it all starts with connecting with every single thing with each other before it spirals doooooown, with delusions and what not lol (don't think much about this))

Anyway, I enjoyed it. The hangover, not so much XD yknow what, I'm just gonna put bullet points with every racing thought coming to mind. I change my mind. I'm gonna list it down with numbers lmfao.

1. Mob is my new role model (cringe amirite)

2. Ugghhsuwuqhahahdhdhd hahahaha im not drunk anymore but help XD

3. Inhale exhale. Try to focus on your breath. Bangon na lang siguro. Haha. Taod2 na lang pag human nakog type ani.

4. Ipost sa server or diri lang sa private journal? 🤔

5. I think I'm good now. Kakatol ba sa thoughts. Gusto magpapansin XD I BLAME EVERYONE. Kidding. Love you guys haha #nohomo

6. I don't actually mean thought #5. It's just what jshdsbb basta ang ginathink hahaha

7. Kapoy overexplain hahahahaha (sa #6 hahahaha)

8. Huhu weird kaayo ko pag ipost nako ni

9. Should I delete #8? 🤔

10. Aaaa bangon na siguro pero

11. Ok I'm good. Just took a deep breath. This ain't a panic attack. I just want to empty my mind XD 

12. Yes, this is what literally is going on in my mind rn.

13. People don't really think as much about you as you think. They really often only think about themselves. Maybe if they get reminded about to think about you then maybe they will. Anyway, STOP THINKING ALREADY SELF LMAO 

14. Have I already typed too much?

15. Listing things is a way to organize things.

16. Okay, ending the list now. I'm sitting up on my bed.

17. Why are you still reading? 😂

Just Made a YouTube Channel

I made a YouTube channel because I don't know what to do with my life. I drew this for the thumbnail for the video I uploaded.

Also, here's the video.

https://youtu.be/O1rrqRBRDrE

Just Why Does Suffering Exist?

I've been fasting for 22 days now and I'm feeling depressed. A little bit. I still haven't gotten my period and it's bumming me out. I hate the pms symptoms. The body dysmorphia is making me hate myself a lot. I weighed 65.85 kg last Saturday. I fucking hate it. I want to below 60 kg. It's too fucking hard. I want to find a job too. The marriage visa is too complicated to see a clear date for it. Being uncertain with how much longer I'm gonna stay unemployed is bumming me out. I'm not earning anything.

I drew something two days ago and I still haven't colored it. It's supposed to be the thumbnail I've been thinking of uploading about that ily Portal 2 vid.

I hate the concept of experiencing inconvenience just to reach a reward. I hate it.

Man, it seems like I need meds again. Lmao. How long was the streak of being unmedicated? 

Earlier we went to abreeza to shop. Anyway.

I guess I need this blog again. I only come here when I feel like shit, right? I hate everything. ༼⁠;⁠´⁠༎ຶ⁠ ⁠۝ ⁠༎ຶ⁠༽

Just Changing the Title Because I Already Used Insert Title Here Before Lmao

Oh man, so I post not as often as I used to huh. But that doesn't matter much, since no one is reading this blog anyway, right? I usually have the will to write when I'm feeling like shit. I guess that doesn't happen as much these days. Is this the effect of love? Lol. I guess I really have changed. I haven't exercised since last month. It started from having one of my wisdom teeth pulled out. I worked out for a few days two weeks after that, but I didn't feel so good after I did so I stopped again. I am overweight now. I really want to be 50 kilos. The last time I have been that heavy was 2014. How do I undo all the weight I gained in those 8 years. Please don't tell me that it also takes that amount of time to lose it.

Anyway, there's a writing prompt in the Discord server to pretend to be an author and write a flattering description about yourself in the third person. I'll do that here in ten minutes, after my Big Stretch Macro Break.

I had this classmate back in high school. She was so mysterious, and quiet. She observed everyone from the corner. Heck, she might had already observed me observing her. I wonder what went on in that head of hers. She rarely talked, but when she did, she grabbed everybody's attention. After four years of being in the same class section together, she went from mysterious to weird. She didn't care, though. In fact, she rubbed it in your face if you were as normal as the generic brands that everybody buys. Now that we're adults, it seemed that she had some character developments. 

Yeah, I can't continue it anymore lmao. Writing is easy at the beginning. lol

So I'll be going to Manila next week to take the A1 German Certification exam. I hope I can pass it. From the Youtube videos I've been practicing with, it seems like I can manage. I hope I can do good. I don't want to waste my fiance's money. :') I'll be 25 on Sunday. It is one step closer to getting married. I am still unemployed, tho. Well, working makes me depressed. I guess it's better of this way for now.

Just Already the Last Four Months of 2022

I have blogged less now. I mean, the blogs I follow here don't update anymore either. I'm not letting this one die. I don't want to only come here every time I feel like shit anymore. So this is a post with less feelings of shit 

I'm trying to attempt to reach the #1 spot in the Duolingo Diamond league. I almost had it 2 weeks ago. Last week, I tried to delay learning until Sunday, but it turns out, you can't join anymore. Saturday is the latest you could join.

I want to be able to speak with German people. I want to be part of their conversations when they speak in their mother tongue. I don't like it when I can't understand them when they're speaking with each other. Aaaaaaaa. Maybe I really do need to take a course and not just rely on Duolingo. But I don't wannaaaa

I'm going to follow up on my certificate of true copy for my passport. I'll also take passport photos of me and my parents. Hopefully, my dad will join us. I can't wait to go back to Germany and be with him. I wish I had a job too. I'm running out of things to do. I should do more chores. But my laptop is so engaging. I can't leave it.

I had my tooth pulled out last week. I haven't worked out since then. I really want to. I also really want to be skinny. My boobs are too big for my tastes. It makes me look fatter than I like. I wish I was 50 kilos.

Just the Second Night of Being Unmedicated

I mostly played Dota today. I wanted to do the laundry but the washer's broken. Kept giving the dc error. I'm struggling to fall asleep immediately. I just fantasized about my death. Sipping some chemical in the woods. Wondering if should I really or could I really do it to him. What would happen if I died in Germany. This has made the lack of will to live fantasies complicated. There's always the option of dying in the ocean so it would be my coffin. I finished listening to the audiobook of Flowers for Algernon last night. I cried so much. Thinking about it now is making me sad. I'm going to eat now.

Just Lots of Stuff

I've decided to stop going to therapy and this is the last week my meds will last. I'm unemployed and don't want to rely on other people anymore. I'm in a low mood now. I think part of it is from walking too much. Is 10,000 steps a day even okay? I feel weak and fatigued. My feet and hands feel cold. I hate the way I look. I wish I were skinnier.

I have to go back to church tomorrow because I didn't return as soon as possible and he couldn't find my baptism certificate anymore. Once I get it, it's only the passport pictures and the passport certificate left.

I lost a game of DOTA earlier. But I have been feeling like this for a while already, like, mild suicidal thoughts.

Maybe I should get checked. I know I have low blood pressure from the last few times I got vaccinated (they measured before injecting me). Anyway, it wouldn't be too bad if I died in my sleep from this, not that it's likely to happen.

Just Blogging that I'm in My Home Country Again

I'm back home from Germany now. It's 2:36 AM. I'm thinking of not going back to the psychiatrist anymore and lower the lamotrigine dose by myself. Would I not need my meds anymore when I get employed? Maybe I will. But I need to get employed first so I would be able to pay for them. 

I want to go back to Germany. I want to be with my fiancé. For now, we just have to deal with the requirements. It was amazing there. I don't wanna be here. I mean, at least in this house. I want to move out. I don't like it here.

I should go brush my teeth now and go to sleep. See ya.

Just Don't Want To Remember This Dream Right Now So I Could Go Back To Sleep

I just had this horrible dream. So I was thinking about Shinji, right? I was searching up their name in a Discord server where we used to work (which is non-existent irl). I found pictures of us and their account. When suddenly, I was called to go up front cuz they were recognizing people for their productivity and stuff I think. My mom was taking my place since I just arrived and she wants me to go over. She was being all mom-y about it and I didn't want to. She was persistent and I screamed that I didn't want to. I went away but I still could hear her giving a speech about me not being her daughter anymore. Then I could hear her crying and stuff but it was actually my fiancé snoring irl lmao

Just Only Have One Person I Can Talk About This with and I Don't Want To

Last Sunday, a line was crossed. I'm having thoughts about it. Maybe I'll try to articulate it here. But I don't want people to find out about it.

I'm just wondering what happened and why did I let it. My conviction was so strong. My younger self would not be so proud of me. 

The carnal knowledge was not something to be proud of. But I don't want to regret it. It would just make me feel bad. Yeah, I'm thinking why I did it. I mean, how could I have done it.

Anyway, it already happened. I can't take it back. I thought I would be stronger than this. Turns out, everyone was right. And I really was not something special that I thought I was.

Just Random Things in Germany

Stranger: *speaks German to me*

Me: Ich spreche kein Deutsch, nur Englisch (I don't speak German, only English)

Stranger: *continues speaking German*

(༎ຶ ෴ ༎ຶ)

Just Went to a My Chemical Romance Concert in Munich Last Night - A Dream Come True

Still can't get over how MCR waited for the perfect time to start their first song, "The Foundations of Decay", in the concert, so that Gerard sang the lyrics, "He was there when the towers fell", at 9:11 pm 🥲

Still can't believe I went to an MCR concert 🥺🥲🥺😭❤️

I might need a few days to recover. Baiii

Just Need to Talk About It

Germany has been fun. I arrived last May 15th. It wasn't smooth. I'm not sure if I mentioned the frustration of how the bureau rejected me. Anyway, all of that got sorted and we were able to get the missing requirements. I'm in Germany now, yeah. 

A lot has happened. I'm just focusing on my thoughts right now. I can't sleep. Lol. And when I can't sleep, I have the fantasy of putting a gun in my head. I just left the bed now and I'm on the couch typing this on my phone. He's probably still awake too. I think he could sense that something might be wrong. I don't want to talk to him right now since it's sleeping time. He must be tired, too. A part of my energy always gets lost when he focuses on something else and couldn't hear what I'm saying. I try to be understanding about it, though. Maybe that's also why I'm drained and can't sleep now. Maybe I should really talk about this with him, too. I don't really like confrontations. Is now the right time? It's 12:21 am, so probably not. I'll just distract myself now and hope the quetiapine already kicks in so I could already sleep.

Just a Poem Inspired by Fried Tacos

I was sharing to my best friend about what I was up to earlier. Accidentally made a poem-material anecdote

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went to get my 2nd booster earlier
ate fried taco after
stained my shirt with the sauce
my boobs are big

Just Kept Forgetting to Post

I keep forgetting to write here whenever I think of writing here. I wanted to write on the 18th because I haven't been updating here, and I never like it when blogs become inactive. Last 17th, it was Jewel's birthday. I got very drunk XD Yeah, that's all lmao

I'm traveling to Germany in four days. I finished writing Michael's statement of purpose for his visa last Monday. It wasn't finished because the financial status wasn't given yet. I asked him to write it himself instead haha

I got engaged last May 30. I know right??? Me? Engaged? Lol? I thought I wanted to die? Lol yeah. I'm not dead yet. The world is going to die first before me, though, given all the scientist warnings falling deaf on corporate and capitalist ears. 

It's hard to find a job too. Haha. Well, if I just apply again to my old job then it wouldn't be that hard.

I'm watching Komi Can't Communicate right now. I played a little bit of Stardew Valley Expanded earlier. Guess that's it for this post. I'll try to post more often cuz one post a month is not good for my taste.

Just Woke Up from a Nightmare an Hour Ago and Couldn't Go Back to Sleep for an Important Plan

 Had a nightmare. Went to the social welfare office to follow up my PWD ID. It has been two months since Ii applied for one. I've followed up a bunch of times previously too. They said they still don't have it processed. I was getting desperate and didn't want to go back to the office again so i said "please, meds are so expensive" (I wanted them to offer an alternative help) but they just said sorry, they cant do anything else. Then I raged there, throwing tables and chairs around, showing how important meds are, that if I don't take them, people would get hurt XD then the lady in charge had enough of it so she took out a small knife and slashed in the air. Her eyes widened after she did that meaning the air cut through me and I literally couldn't breathe because of my clogged nose and i woke up XD

________________________________________________________________________________

Anyway, I wanted to write a blogpost earlier but I was tired for the day. I wanted to write about some updates of my activities for the past month.

9 - his arrival

It was mom's birthday, too. So when he arrived, there was a lot of food. My aunt and cousins visited. Had some drinks at our rooftop. It was nice.

10 - Cuddle Day

We watched anime in my room and kissed for the first time. We cuddled and kissed for 5 hours in his room. Haha. It was very nice.

I think we went to Abreeza to play at the arcade. Most of their games were broken and unplayable. I wanted to play Drum Mania but nah. We ate at Sumo Sam. I couldn't finish the Wagyu because it was salty. Lmao

11 - Eden

It was fun doing the skycycle, zipline, and skyswing. The bamboo maze was fun. Mom was loud most of the time. Haha.

12 - Philippine Eagle Center

Took a bunch of pictures. Them, not me. Haha. It was a humid day. He had durian for the first time. He didn't get the full blow since the durian wasn't that ripe.

13 - Rest day

It was a relaxing day. We stayed at my house, mostly. We played Overcooked. We ate the marang and mangosteen we bought from Eden. 

14 - fancy date in cafe (it's white day) 

We went to KTV, just the two of us. After that, we walked to Basement Cafe. There were a bunch of beggars selling something to us. Didn't like it. The cafe was nice though. The chicken was unlimited but I couldn't eat more after the second wave. XD

15 - trivia nights @Suazo 

We stayed at home and planned the next days until 6 pm. Went to 7Eleven so he could try loading GCash, but they wouldn't take a card so that was a waste. We walked to Suazo. Got to meet r/davao people. I wasn't really that talkative. Hehe.

16 - People's Park 

We went to City Gate first to buy some gifts for dad. Then went to People's Park but it was closed XD We walked to City Hall and San Pedro and went home. 

17 - Chema's by the sea 

It was relaxing and very nice there. Swam a lot. The room was awesome, except for the noisy A/C.

18 - Chema's by the sea 

We took a nap by the hut. It was kinda hot. When we got home, we did his laundry. We took a nap in my room while waiting for the washer to be finished. I was actually able to sleep while we cuddled. It was awesome. I liked it.

19 - Baking with Shiloh

We went to the mall first to buy ingredients. We burnt a lot of the cookies. Then we watched Shrek 2.

20 - KTV with High School friends

I enjoyed the day. My throat hurt during singing. Seeing them was great. The taxi driver was a bad driver on the way home.

21-23 - Rest Day

I don't remember much lmao Either we stayed at his place and watched anime, cuddled and kiss, or stayed at my place, watched anime, cuddled and kiss. Haha. We took some pictures of us in Cedie's shirts, I guess. I was hormonal too.

24 - Roxas Night Market (Canceled)

We went to the Public Attorney's Office. He couldn't get in because he was wearing shorts. We got the affidavit of support notarized at the office outside instead. We could've gotten it for free but nah. XD After that, we walked to SM Ecoland. It was a long walk under the sun and drizzle. My feet hurt from the snake sandals. The tech area in the mall was filled with customer service people.

25 - Dinner With Kent and Miss A, and Bianca and Clarissa

I kinda wanted to just sleep. lol. When we got to MTS, I didn't like it that much but it was nice seeing them again. Haha. I blame hormones. I liked it when we got home, though. I searched up 20 questions and we were answering them. We answered 42 questions in all.

Now, it's 3:32 am. I couldn't go back to sleep anymore, and it's a long day ahead. We're going island hopping. God help me. lmao

Just Psyched and Thankful for This Change of Pace in Life

I'm still here and he's coming next week. My visa arrived two days ago. Today, I went to school to pay the rest of my tuition. I also requested my certificate of enrollment so I would have proof that I'm a student when I get to Germany in May. 

I'm gonna pick him up at the airport on the 9th. I'm excited. We're really going to meet. I love him so much. Thank you, God, for this opportunity. You have always been there even if I am not as spiritual as I used to be. Thank You Lord for Your love and I love You. I am saying this prayer here instead of doing the sign of the cross because praying still is a trigger. Please forgive me for my sins. Please guide me in my life. Amen.

Feels weird typing that previous paragraph. I'll end this blogpost here. 

Just Really Want to Get This Message Out to the People Who Personally Know Me, but—

If only fixing my mindset and praying were enough to deal with hormonal imbalance as you with your neurotypical asses insist, then I would not have needed to spend tons of money for therapy and meds (and would probably be dead by now) lmao

Just Thinking About the Decision about My Current Subjects

My heart isn't into my studies anymore. I applied for a job two days ago. I enrolled 3 subjects for this semester, one for each term, and PE. I'm thinking if I should just not attend them or submit activities, or attend them and pay for the tuition, just for the visa. I only need to be a student for the visa, right? I don't have to be a good student and actually attend the classes? What if they ask me about it during the interview? Maybe I should really just suck it up and just do the few units I have. It's not that much work anyway. Future me would probably be glad that I took them. On the other hand, I don't really want to. It's too much work, actually. Studying and taking exams. After I get my visa, I could just withdraw. But that doesn't seem likely to happen anytime soon. Not sure if they'll approve by March, which is the deadline for the withdrawal.

Another thing, physics, from last semester. Prof told me I can have only one requirement after the sem. Fuck this. She now says that I need to take the exams. What if I just tell her to just drop it so it would be over? She replies for every 5 days. I don't want to take the exams. I don't want to study for the stuff I already quit on. Why am I bipolar aasDFSADFWEfzdsfa

Okay. After all that I typed, I'm still conflicted to whether I should attend classes or not. Maybe I should read everything again. I didn't write that many points, did I? lol aSDFSDFSAAAAAAAAAAA I wanna screeeaaaaammmmmmmsmdfsdmfmsdfmsdf

I mean, it's just only nine weeks of one subject, right? Only four exams every two weeks and then I'm done. Why is everything so complicated asdfsfasdfasdfsdf

I should flip a coin and see whether I'm disappointed or not.

Tails. Not attend. I like it. Not disappointed. But then again there's a conscience saying I should attend. Ethics... what an ironic and coincidental subject to think about attending or not lmaooo I didn't attend the class yesterday evening. I already started being absent, why not go all the way? Should I? Is this right? I'm thinking about physics again, too. Alright, yknow what I'm just gonna let this all pass and just flooooowwwwww and yeah just let the days happen and just yeah ok im done

Just Postponing My Workout because of Timing

My stomach started cramping just when I was about to exercise 45 minutes ago. Great timing you whiny body of mine lmao It's its way of telling me it doesn't want to today. I may also be getting my period.

Just Woke Up Early Again

I don't like how I end up waking up earlier than I would like to. I want to sleep more, please. 

I enrolled 3 subjects for this semester. All general education subjects, no major ones that have math or chemistry. I don't know if I should attend them for real or just wait until I get my visa and withdraw from everything. The deadline for withdrawal is in March, I think. I hope everything gets processed before then. I don't really want to subject myself to online classes anymore and just work. I haven't applied for a job yet. I kept procrastinating for it. I just wrote down on my white board that I'd do it on Wednesday next week.

Just Anxious

I've been having anxiety since last night. Why would that happen? I only went out with friends to watch Spiderman: No Way Home. I slept at around 10:20 pm, woke up at 1:00 am because I had a nightmare. Couldn't go back to sleep until around 5:30 am. What is happening q_q