Just Thinking About Something With Two Perspectives

I picked the flower bud from the stalk before it had a chance to blossom. Or maybe I removed the water from the heat before it had the chance to scald me.

Just Was Able To Go Back To Sleep These Past Few Days But Now It Seems Like I Can't

I woke up at 10 and I can't go back to sleep. I –

Just Here To Distract Myself Again But It Doesn't Seem Like It's Working

Yo I'm trying to sleep right now but I can't because I'm having a depressive episode. I was close to calling the suicide hotline but then I thought I wouldn't even know what to say. If they ask why I want to kill myself I can't answer because there isn't a reason to actually do it. God. I don't want to go back to Facebook and message my friends. I can't take it. Gahd. I feel like crying. I almost did. No tears would flow. I hate those moments. God. It started since 7 pm I think. Now it's 8:18. I've scratch my arms with my nails. The pain isn't enough. I'm really tempted to get my box cutter. I'm here instead. Typing away. Distracting myself. I could ask help from people on Twitter. But nah. I don't think they'd get it. Fuck I feel like crying again. Why does this keep on happening?

Fuck that infographic video about loneliness. I didn't really mind being constantly alone until that video attacked me. Now I feel like shit. I've never felt lonely while alone. Now I do. Damn it.

I really like to see the good in people. I don't want to believe that they are only being nice to you because they only want something from you. They prove me wrong time and time again. Still, I never let them run out of chances. I understand why people do what they do.

I want to go for a run right now. Fuck. Can it be considered an emergency? Will the rovers understand that it's a matter of life and death? Lol if it is then I would have been already dead. So I guess it's not that of an emergency, right? I've already had a lot of depressive episodes, shouldn't I already know how to cope? God.

WhatifIslitmythroatrightnow Goddamit when will this end?! Gahd. Tired of having these thoughts cutyourveins SHUT THE FUCK UP BRAIN jumpthatbridgeanddrownsoitwillallbeover why... Just... Why... I don't want to get up from my bed. I want to sleep. Why can't you just let me sleep? God.

I don't normally hit my head but I did before typing this post. I don't know what the point of that was. If it was to stop the thoughts from coming, it sure didn't work. Lol ah jeez I think it will all be really better if I just died so I wouldn't suffer like this anymore. God.

Just Drawing a Constant State

Didn't bother cleaning it up. Made it as quick as possible.

Just Set a 50-kilo Mini Goal So I Wouldn't Think of Killing Myself That Much

Being obsessed with weight is a little bit less soul-crushing than being obsessed with death.

Just Putting It Here For I Can't Tweet It Because Spoilers and Text Limit

Just Thought I'd Be Happy By Now

This melancholy visits me too often. I don't think anyone deserves this. No one can handle this. I should have already been dead. Fucking. If I have a purpose, then why does it have to be this way? Why do I have to always feel like this? Don't fucking tell me it gets better. That doesn't apply to everyone. Don't tell me "laban lang". I'm sick of that. Man, these low lows are really killing me. It will never stop. It does go away, temporarily. But it always comes back. You normal people are fucking lucky.

Just Sharted

I sharted my underwear earlier. I literally can't hold my shit together. Lmao

Just Couldn't Sleep, So I Decided to Finish This Drawing

Just Want to Walk for Hours

Fck I wanna go out on a walk rn.

Just the Statistics Again

Yo, viewer from Philippines, introduce yourself. You're giving me a bit of anxiety here. Lol.

Just a Slight Improvement

Yo I feel better right now than these past couple of days. I still can't get back to my messages, though. I'm not really in a chatty mood. I still wanna die, but not as intense as before. Idk about later, though. Mood changes unpredictably. Lol

Just Need Milk

But that would be breaking my fast (○ﾟεﾟ○)

Just Checking Statistics

Who the fuck...

Just Naturally Sedating Myself

Yo, I couldn't sleep. I'm trying milk now.

Just Typing This Before Trying to Sleep

I'm tired. Haha. Didn't do any physical thing that would make me feel tired. I just am. I want to sleep. I can't sleep. The thoughts won't let me. It's the same shit I keep writing about. I feel like it's redundant now. And I can't talk about it because I don't like the predictable responses. I don't know what I want. I mean, I do. I want to die but aside from that I don't know what I want so that I wouldn't want to die. Fuck.

I read The Bell Jar recently. I also read about Kurt Cobain. I watched the Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I watched To the Bone. I still think about Theodore Finch from All the Bright Places.

Talking to strangers who are willing to listen doesn't help. I'm never in a communicating mood anymore.

I want to go running. At least I felt better when I ran. I wonder if I run later, will someone seize me for violating the enhanced community quarantine? I want to risk it. I need a thrill. It's one of those long weeks/months where I feel empty again.

I don't fucking want to live. I don't know where to go to to get comfort. Nothing seems to help. My unfolded clothes are by my feet since Tuesday and I can't seem to work on them.

Wow, these posts are getting longer and longer now. Lol. The previous weeks they were just short little tweet-like posts, just passive ones. Now I'm typing a lot, just to keep my mind off rumination.

Good thing I can still sleep. I force my mind to shut off when it's really time to go. It would be really bad if I'm sleep deprived.

I wonder if someone would find this blog and make something out of it. Or maybe it would just be another one that's going to be buried deep within the internet, never to be found again. I'm just a nobody, after all. Lol. Should I end this post now? I don't want to. I'd be stuck with spacing out if I do. I'm running out of stuff to type, though. Lol I'm kidding myself. I can type about a thousand random stuff if I'm not that exhausted.

I've got a few unopened messages in Bottled. Too lazy to open and respond to them. I'm not sure if I'm really lazy or just tired. A mix of both, most likely. I need a major jumpstart on my socializing batteries. I don't think this is the rock bottom yet.

Hey, if you've managed to read this far, I'm wondering what kept you going. People mostly wouldn't care or already get tired already. I'm that unimportant. They'd be rolling their eyes and would want me to get to the point. That's the problem. There is no point. People don't really understand. I keep getting flashbacks. "We love you, but there are times that we really don't get you." I mean, I know what they mean. I don't get why I'm so different, too. I don't really belong anywhere. Maybe in a psych ward, but nah I'm a bit functional to be in a psych ward, or am I?

What if I go out and be caught by the rovers and then they'd scold me for being one of the (idk what the term is) for the virus. And I'd answer, "I don't really wanna live, sir. So if I catch the virus and die, that would be really great!" but then that would be poor taste. Lol ugh idk what to do with my fucking life why are we living anyway why am i fucking here

Now, I'm imagining stabbing myself by the neck. Lol. Man, if my wild imagination got me anywhere...

Okay. I'm going to try to sleep now. Good night, everyone, if there even is anyone reading this. Or every nonsensical shit that I typed. Lol.

Just Fucking Back to Feeling Like Shit

There are moments where I can vocally talk to people and it would be pleasant to actually keep a conversation. Those moments are rare. Because right now, I can't bear to talk to people. I hate it when people talk to me. There are moments when I would strike a conversation with a stranger and it would seem that we've already known each other for so long. Those moments are 10 out of 365 moments. Gahd, the switch just goes on and off at random times. I just want it to come back whenever I need it.

Also, I feel shitty right now. I'm back to how I was last year, how everyday I always want to die. Fuck. The high and normal moments don't last long. I wish they would. I hate feeling like shit. I fucking hate everything.

Just Another Letter I Sent Out in Bottled

This letter isn't for you but for someone I don't want to talk to.

Hey,

I'm sorry but I have to be away for awhile. I can't bear it. I might destroy everyone around me. Everybody needs a break, and I really need it right now.

I also don't want to bother you because I know you also have your own thing going on. I know you need me, too, but I can't breathe. I'm suffocating. I do a lot of holding back and every time I release a bit of the tension, you seem to belittle it and disregard it. It kills me.

I'm going down in a nosedive, after ascending slowly and reaching the peak. This nosedive seems to take longer than when I was climbing up, even feels deeper from where I started, like the impact to the ground is strong enough to push me further down to the core, or maybe an abyss.

I'm looking at the mosquito at my window now. It's trying to go out but the screen is blocking it from doing so. I want to swat it so it won't bother me later when I'm lying down. But I'm too lazy. And I'll just miss. I can't kill it like I can't kill myself, even after a few attempts.

Now there's three of them mosquitoes. I'm just blabbering on some nonsense now I better go back to my point in this letter.

So yeah I can't talk to you for awhile. I know you'd understand. I feel like you're used to me disappearing from time to time.

I'm okay. I just really need to be away and regenerate. It could take long. I just hope when I come back, you won't change the way you feel about me. I have the urge to never come back, though. Like end it. Who knows what I would do? I'm unpredictable as fuck.

Just Think It's Done For Now

Okay, I feel like I've calmed down now. Or have I? Lol but yeah, that was hell of an episode.

Just so Great

Went to the doctor a few months ago to get my ears checked since they were itchy and flaky. Doc said nothing was wrong and I had a pretty eardrum. Prescribed some cream. I ran out of cream last month. Now my ears are back to being itchy and flaky again. This is great!

Just a Note to Myself

Clean your mess up before you sleep.

Just in the Dark, Whispering a Lot of Stuff to Myself, Haha, I'm Fine :D

I feel really bad when I'm dismissed and I often just suck it up and bury the negative feelings because I ain't a wuss.

Now look at me, a mess. Lmfao. The years of everything underground piled up and the mound is clearly visible from afar. Yup. No permanent fix to this. Haha. Kill me. Lmao.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Just Loving It :D

Oh man, I need friends. Haha

Just a Carrot

Just Being Weird with Myself

No one:
Me: NO I WILL ABSOLUTELY NOT MAKE AN INSTAGRAM ACCOUNT

Just Almost the Final Chapter

I truly have no one. Fuck this. I have to bottle shit up again. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. Just take me away. Fuck. What am I even staying here for? I just want it to stop. It won't stop. It will always be like this. I drew the unlucky hand. It's unfair to say this while there are others who've drawn an unluckier hand. But fuuuuuuuck I caaaaaaaaaaan't. I'm soooooo tiiiiiired and soooooo dooooooooone. People just say the wrooooooong thiiiiiings I just caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan't. I waaant to neveeer waake uuuuuuuuuuuuup. Gaaaahd.

Go away. Leave me alone. Fuck this. Fuck everything. Fuck. Fuck.

So fucking exhausted.
Why.
Fuck.
I HATE THIS.
DAMN IT.
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK
THAT'S IT I'M GOING TO DO IT I'M SERIOUSLY GOING TO DO IT FUCKING I'M REALLY GOING TO DO IT I'M SO DONE YEAH THIS IS ONE OF THOSE DRAMATIC EPISODES AND I'M TIRED OF HAVING THEM I'M TIRED I'M TIRED I'M TIRED I'M SO FUCKING TIRED I CAN NEVER BE NORMAL THERE'S NO PERMANENT CURE YOU NEED TO WORK HARD TO BE NORMAL FUCK IT I'M TIRED I'M FUCKING TIRED GAHD I CAN'T TALK TO ANYONE MOTHERFUCKER I'M REALLY EXHAUSTED.

I'm tired, man. Why can't it stop. Just let it stop, please. Why does it have to be this way. I'm really tired.

So... tired...


Please....


Please...

Just Some Weird but Cool Shit

Just a Letter I Sent Out in Bottled

This letter isn't for you but for someone from my past. I just want to get this out.

How are you? I wonder what you're doing right now. Do you still think about me? I really miss you. It was so perfect. Why did you have to do that? I really liked you. It was a heartwarming story. It was too soon. I want you to talk to me like we used to. We can't anymore. A lot has changed.

I never regretted you. I don't want us to be just friends. But it felt like you really wanted me to let you go before anything has even started. People improve, right?

You kept saying you don't deserve me. Why don't you do better so you could actually deserve me? Are you implying that it's impossible for you to ever change? I am not her. Why can't you leave your mistakes in the past? Why do you have to bring it up with us?

Man, I don't like being like this. I am not like this. I'm a person whose main focus is logic. Romanticism is just not my taste in life. You fucked my brain cells up. My love for rationality is compromised. I used to spend my past times with thoughts filled with creativity and inventions. Now, it's just filled with you and how you're such an asshole for not giving me a chance to give you a chance. It's messed up. I don't want to be sad about things like this. I'm not even sad. I'm just disappointed.

Anyway, I hope you hit me up with an "I miss you" again. I don't think you will. You're someone who never tries. As an analytical person that I am, I just know that you won't. Whatever. I don't want to be the one who's going to reach out. It's just something you have to learn yourself.

Just Doing Something Irrational

Tired of euthymia. Time to trigger hypomania by drinking coffee.

Just Slipped Away by Avril Lavigne Lyrics

Na, na, na, na, na, na, na

I miss you, miss you so bad. I don't forget you, oh, it's so sad. I hope you can hear me. I remember it clearly. The day you slipped away was the day I found it won't be the same, oh.

Na, na, na, na, na, na, na

I didn't get around to kiss you. Goodbye on the hand. I wish that I could see you again. I know that I can't. Oh, I hope you can hear me, 'cause I remember it clearly. The day you slipped away was the day I found it won't be the same, oh. I've had my wake up. Won't you wake up. I keep asking why (I keep asking why) And I can't take it. It wasn't fake. It happened, you passed by. Now you're gone, now you're gone. There you go, there you go. Somewhere I can't bring you back. Now you're gone, now you're gone. There you go, there you go. Somewhere, you're not coming back.

The day you slipped away. Was the day I found it won't be the same, no. The day you slipped away was the day that I found it won't be the same, oh.

Na, na, na, na, na, na, na

I miss you.