Just Here To Distract Myself Again But It Doesn't Seem Like It's Working

Yo I'm trying to sleep right now but I can't because I'm having a depressive episode. I was close to calling the suicide hotline but then I thought I wouldn't even know what to say. If they ask why I want to kill myself I can't answer because there isn't a reason to actually do it. God. I don't want to go back to Facebook and message my friends. I can't take it. Gahd. I feel like crying. I almost did. No tears would flow. I hate those moments. God. It started since 7 pm I think. Now it's 8:18. I've scratch my arms with my nails. The pain isn't enough. I'm really tempted to get my box cutter. I'm here instead. Typing away. Distracting myself. I could ask help from people on Twitter. But nah. I don't think they'd get it. Fuck I feel like crying again. Why does this keep on happening?

Fuck that infographic video about loneliness. I didn't really mind being constantly alone until that video attacked me. Now I feel like shit. I've never felt lonely while alone. Now I do. Damn it.

I really like to see the good in people. I don't want to believe that they are only being nice to you because they only want something from you. They prove me wrong time and time again. Still, I never let them run out of chances. I understand why people do what they do.

I want to go for a run right now. Fuck. Can it be considered an emergency? Will the rovers understand that it's a matter of life and death? Lol if it is then I would have been already dead. So I guess it's not that of an emergency, right? I've already had a lot of depressive episodes, shouldn't I already know how to cope? God.

WhatifIslitmythroatrightnow Goddamit when will this end?! Gahd. Tired of having these thoughts cutyourveins SHUT THE FUCK UP BRAIN jumpthatbridgeanddrownsoitwillallbeover why... Just... Why... I don't want to get up from my bed. I want to sleep. Why can't you just let me sleep? God.

I don't normally hit my head but I did before typing this post. I don't know what the point of that was. If it was to stop the thoughts from coming, it sure didn't work. Lol ah jeez I think it will all be really better if I just died so I wouldn't suffer like this anymore. God.