Just Schindler's List

I just watched Schindler's List. I finally got that good cry I wanted.

Just Some Drawings in VRChat

Last night, I decided to draw in VRChat, because I wasn't really in a socializing mood. When I moved to a world for solely drawing, I keep getting frustrated because some toxic people keep clearing up everything while I was drawing. I just breathed it out and not raged. I don't have anger management issues. Believe me, I wanted to shout but I didn't. It was 2 am - 4 am so that would not be ideal. Yep, kept calm. Yep.

Drew this on a door in Summer Solitude

Accidentally dropped the marker
 so it ended with that.
When you drop the marker,
you can't draw in the same dimension anymore.

Didn't really like this one

Didn't really like this one either

Unfinished and interrupted drawing

Left the drawing world and went to a piano simulation world. The pianist was really good. Played beautiful pieces. I drew while I was listening to them play. While I was drawing this Robert Downey Jr., I suddenly noticed that his left eye was missing. I investigated and saw that a buff Raichu was erasing it. I was feeling a boiling rage. I checked the other drawing and it was gone. Fuck. So I decided to forget it with this one. Tried to focus on the piano, then logged out after a while.

Just Transferring a Supposed-to-be-message From My Notes to This Blog

I typed the following on the 26th. I was planning to send it on a channel in a Discord server for people with Bipolar Disorder. I didn't send it in the end:

Having a depressive episode. Joined this group to interact with ppl who'd know what it's like. Played lots of games and played my musical instruments and done a lot of other stuff to distract me from my thoughts. Tried to socialize on VRChat and make new friends. But then socializing is draining. Every time I try to sleep I feel like shit. Don't have much appetite. Constantly nauseous. Puked earlier and the other day. I feel like a burden if I try to talk about it or maybe ask for help bcause people also have their own shit to deal with, even though I know I shouldn't feel that way and that there's nothing wrong with needing other people. Need a good cry. Want a good cry. Can't cry. I've tried watching sad clips and I did cry, but it wasn't that cathartic. I need a more good cry. The other day a friend from VRChat told a story about his friend "Gabe" who was weird whom he didn't get why people didn't want to be with but then realized why after a while then one day "Gabe" was acting weird and aggressive one day and disappeared. When he came back my friend realized Gabe was bipolar and self harmed and that made me sad. He said "Gabe" is okay now. My friend doesn't know I have bipolar. I didn't mention it. I don't think he's ready for it. I should stop making dark jokes if I'm not gonna talk about it every time people get curious and ask about my life lmao I could go on with this rant but I guess it's too long and I

Yup. I'm seeing the overall wall of text now and wow that IS quite long even though it doesn't feel that way. Speaking of trying to talk about it, I also don't want to talk about it because it makes the other person empathize with you, which is similar to also making them feel like shit with you. When you mention you're sad, they also get sad in a way. Maybe they try to be sad with you so they'd try to know what it's like, or maybe they get sad because you're sad. Empathy kind of makes the other person feel what you feel. I don't want them to be sad. I swallow my sadness and feel the ache in my chest and in my stomach.

I also feel like my best friend was not all that depressed before I was her best friend. She was just receptive to sadness. Once she got to know me deeper, she caught my depression. Now she often talks about not having friends and sitting alone at the lunch table. I think depression is contagious. I infect the people with the negative vibe and bum them out. Empathy has that effect. That is just my opinion, though, and it may change over time.

Back then, she was a cool kid. She was a people magnet. (Am I still even her best friend when I'm not constantly talking with her anymore?) She makes friends easily. People like her. She was kind of like a social butterfly. I think I changed her. I now sound so full of myself. Maybe she went through other stuff too. I'm not the sole reason for the change. I should write a book. But there are many books about mental illness already.

Just Can't Get the Chocobo Tune Out of My Head

I want to ride my chocobo all day~

Just Can't Get a Break

You know what, I'm taking it as a clear sign from the universe that I shouldn't enroll a second course and just gonna be fucking confused what I'm supposed to do my whole life, which isn't gonna be a long one because I still don't think I'm gonna live past 30.

Explanation? First, the corona virus, which made the University close down. It also delayed the process for my Transcript of Records. It's been two months and I still haven't heard from the registrar. Fuck this. Now, I tried to join the orientation for incoming freshmen. They sent an email for a zoom meeting. It's supposed to start 15 minutes ago. When I tried to get in, it says it has reached a maximum of 100 participants already. Like, what the fuck? Half of those participants didn't even receive the email, I believe. This is all just bullshit. Okay, universe, I know you hate me. I'm gonna take it. No, I'm not gonna kill myself over this. lol Ugh, what am I supposed to do? I hate people and I hate my country and I hate everyone around me.

Just Listing Reasons

Was really feeling like shit. Was Googling bipolar suicide statistics, read an article, clicked on a link that said suicide contingency plan or sumth, and one step indicated to write reasons for living. It sounded corny but then I'm like, fuck it, I'll try anything to not feel like shit at this point. What do you know, I felt better after tweeting that. Lol

Just Another Update of How I'm Feeling Today

I feel like shit. Oh, wait. I just mentioned that three hours ago haha whoopsies

Just Brother Turning Off the TV While I was Watching

I still feel like shit. I'm going to keep mentioning it here until I don't feel like shit anymore.

Just Want Everything to End Hnnngghh

I feel a lot more shitty every time I try to sleep and/or every time before I sleep, as if my brain wants me to keep doing something. There isn't even anything to do. Sleep is the only thing that is surely going to give you comfort. Why the heck would you not let me give that to you?

I tried to sleep at 1:40 am. After around 30 minutes, I'm still awake, so I got up and went down, because I read that if you couldn't sleep after 30 minutes, then it's most likely you wouldn't be able to sleep most of the night so you have to get out of bed and read or something. Now it's 4:26 am. I still can't sleep. Goddammit.

I was whispering my thoughts out loud earlier. Not really a good sign. I blame myself for eating a lot of chocolate related food for the past two to three weeks even when I'm not allowed to eat chocolate. I deserve this.

Just Broke a Pencil

I was lying down while filling up a coloring book. After some time I decided to sit up and then I somehow sat on a bunch of pencils unintentionally. My fat ass broke this one :^(

Just Describing How I Currently Am

Depression had me nauseous and losing my appetite. I even puked after lunch. Lol. But I ain't even losing any weight which sucks. I hate being alive.

I haven't been regularly making my bed nor washing the dishes nor following my schedule. I feel like shit. Only stayed in Facebook for ten days. I feel nauseous.

I haven't written in my journal for a month. I'm not getting any regular sleep.

I wanna kill myself.

I want to go running. We're not allowed to go outside. I should get a job. I'm not in a good condition to work.

I can't have a bearable conversation with friends. I'm easily irritated.

I'm having cravings. They aren't good cravings. I have to suppress them. I need catharsis. The stuff I do for release isn't enough.

I wonder who has life easy for them. Lucky bastards.

Just Fucking Hate Cravings

I don't like being hormonal. The amount of suppression that I do is doubled.

Just Want People I Know to Know

I want to share this drawing to Facebook but I think there are people who aren't ready to see it. Haha

Just Want Something Other Than Me Burning

I want to smoke right now. Haha

Just Crashing and Burning

Ah. I feel like shit.

Just Froggy Things

This was me this morning:

Now I have a frog.

I'm going to let it go. I feel like Darla from Finding Nemo saving it in a jar. Lol

Just Wondering Why Again

I feel tired haha

Just FFXV Things

AH GAHD I WANT A FROG RIGHT NOW.

Just Thinking About Not Wanting to Go to the Doctor Last Year Because I Was Going to Kill Myself Anyway

I genuinely thought I'd be dead by now haha

Just Also Noting Down the Calm Moments

I'm in a neutral mood right now. I think I only had 4-5 hours of sleep this morning. I played guitar today. Thought I should bring the old karaoke-cassette player speakers to the "studio" so I could use a mic while jamming. It still works, but you have to get the right setting. It needs a little bit of fixing. Still, it works. After that, I played FFXV. I'm into the game now. It doesn't feel forced anymore.

So yeah, I'm in a neutral mood. I figured I should put that here to let you know that it's not all low or high. There's a grey area, too. It also needs to be tracked down. I'm not depressed all the time. I still want to die, though. Lol. The suicidal thoughts aren't making feel like shit for now.

Just Hate Myself and My Life

Palpitations and suicidal thoughts are back. Took a nap in the late afternoon yesterday. Wasn't able to sleep at night. Only had about 3 hours of sleep. Life is good (sarcasm).

Just Don't Feel Like Shit

Hmmm... I don't feel like shit right now. I usually do at this hour of the day. I rarely get these moments. I don't know what to do now that I've got them. I took a nap and I don't think I'll be able to sleep again in a while.

Just Don't Need to Know What's in the Future Anymore

A part of me hopes that I'd get triggered enough for another suicide attempt just so I could get everything over with. Hey, sorry for the dark shit but I can't really control what thoughts come in. I'm just typing 'em here.

Just Waking Up From a Nightmare

It was seemingly pleasant at first, Steven Universe walking around the city, being all happy. Then he went to the building where "the light" from the last "fight" was being simulated, which turned out to be "cure" for the off color gems. It wasn't a cure. Steven, being "woke" from the illusion of happier gems could see that they were actually autistic. Every time the light with the reverberating sound is turned on, the autistic could temporarily be controlled to be normal. Steven could see through the illusion after two particular people arrived.

I just remembered before the dream morphed into Steven dream, it was me and my sis planning on going to different landmarks with me instead because her friend canceled. The only landmark I could remember now is mom's school with the high elevator.

Anyway, back to the Steven. He somehow morphed back to me after walking awhile in a plaza. Somehow, Ireneo, Vince, Charlagne, and Patrick were there. My memory is getting foggy now lol dreams, amirite. I'm not that sure but I think there was one other girl. I got surprised by how these two guys were acting and I assumed they were a couple. I thought it was Vince and Ireneo but it turns out it was Ireneo and Patrick. I was happy for them. Gay love lol

I'm just gonna skip a few more details because I can't remember what happened after that. It was the nightmare part that stood out. Turns out it was already curfew. I wasn't in my home area. I can't be stuck here. But I can't go out of Dumanlas because of the quarantine. I was with Vince. I'm not sure if it was Vince. Maybe it was Ireneo? Anyway, got to the checkpoint. Police handed me a quarantine pass. Earlier, Vince(?) asked me if I had a pass and I started to get anxious because I didn't. Got a bit relieved when the police handed me one. Then we moved along. Here's where it turned bad. We were walking. One man sleeping on the ground woke up, maybe made a signal then lied back down. There were a lot of police.Then there were dogs. They'd let go of their chains and let them chase us. We ran. A police would chase us with a knife or a gun. I was behind Vince. There was this road block. The guards would have us place our hands on a pole and they would slam a hammer on them. Then we went on running again. A police got to me as I was trying to run away, sliced my finger that made an incision, then sliced my arm too. He went to Vince and did the same. I could hear gunshots. Vince was waving both arms to a dream-morphed tricycle and got on. I also got on. I think I woke up at this point but went back to sleep lol. I then somehow wanted to go back to where the gems were so they could escape with me. It was a stupid thought I should have went home. The conductor of the tricycle was Virgil. He was very nice and helped me with my want to go back. Gave me another quarantine pass. Said I should write :smyl this time. It was a code so they wouldn't go after me like they just did. It's probably what they use on their passes. A code for police. I got back. A memory of the dream is coming back. Idk where to insert this or when this happened but the autistic gems were being marched to somewhere where they would be put to death. They were also being used against me, like soldiers, so I wouldn't escape. Okay, so I was back in Dumanlas with other people planning to leave. This time we were running. Same scene as it was with Vince. Man on the ground, showed the pass but really quickly, passed through the poles, run past the police, tried not to get the dogs' attention, then I forced myself to wake up again because it isn't funny anymore. I was supposed to get rest from sleeping but I'm agitated with a nightmare instead.

Just 16 Random Wishes, But I Don't Really Believe in Wishing

I wish I would want to kill myself less.
I wish I would be able to appreciate everyone around me.
I wish the calm moments were longer.
I wish I would recover.
I wish it did not have to be this way.
I wish it could be different.
I wish I were not so repetitive.
I wish I wished I wanted to live.
I wish every moral wish came true.
I wish life was not this hard.
I wish everything eased.
I wish the bad stuff would cease.
I wish I could take a breather.
I wish my thoughts did not fester.
I wish everyone's mouths had a zipper.
I wish everything was not a disaster.

Just Feeling Not That Good, But Not That Bad Either

Man, I need sleep. I just ate after not eating for 85 hours. Couldn't sleep last night. I believe I slept for less than 30 minutes. I'm tired. Eating just now didn't bring me any pleasure.

Just People Failing To See Things Objectively

Stupid people let their feelings come first instead of their head. Fails to react to things objectively.

Just Don't Want to Get Up Yet

I just woke up and I feel calm at the moment. I downloaded VRChat yesterday and it's a good time-killer even if you don't interact with anyone. I guess I know what to do when I don't know what to do if I want to distract myself now.

Also, I felt bummed when I didn't reach my weight goal last week. In fact, I gained some. In retaliation, I ate some more. It was like an "I don't care anymore!" reaction so I let my self go. Now, I'm just going to try to not to eat for 7 days. Lol I did it before. Why can't I do it now?

Just a Funny Thought

Person: I just started reading this book/watching this show and this character reminds me of you.
Me: Hmmm...
*Googles about character*
*Character dies in the end*
Me: Nice.

Just What The Heck Is This Fuckery

Even in my dreams I want to die. It's so bad that even sleeping isn't a safe space anymore.

Just Pressed Some Steel Strings

I get the same vibe with the smell of gasoline from the metallic scent of my fingertips.