Idk I've been suicidal for 11 months in 2019 (even long before that, lol) but come late November and this past month I've mostly got 0 suicidal thoughts every day. I have not believed in "Things will get better" or other motivational quotes for a long time and I will not go back to that. I'm still nihilistic. I just... have to get my shit together, snap out of it or some sort. I got 'em together. I'm trying to keep 'em together. I still don't (I don't think I even will) have a long term goal. I've made lists, though, a schedule of some sort, to keep me occupied, for distraction. Short term goals if you may say. Oh boy, they work. I get a sense of fulfillment when I've done a task.
Looking at what I have written down so far, it all sounds pathetic (at least in my own point of view of how pathetic I am), especially the sense of fulfillment part. Sheesh.
Anyway, the year is ending. The decade is ending. My best year of the decade goes to 2012. Worst year is 2014. Gahd. 2014. I... Hngh...
No expectations for 2020, like how there hasn't been any for the past years. Anything unpredictable could happen. Best to have an open mind. I like spontaneity. You get to adjust accordingly. If you ask me what I want, well, am I still even allowed to want anything at this point?
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