I ran out of quetiapine. Now I can't sleep. Now the thoughts can creep in again. Ugh. Stupid me forgot to replenish them. I thought I still had some in the box.
Last week I wrote a spreadsheet of pros and cons of dropping out and working, and staying in school. Dropping out seemed like the better option. I really want to get this degree though. Some time after when I let Shiloh join in the spreadsheet, the part where I tried to let her recall the time when Victor said that he thought that I would choose a different path, made me cry. That was last Thursday, I think. I was still emotional on Friday. Yesterday, I still was. I also cried. Today, I cried, too, lmao. Is this normal when you're hormonal? lol
Anyway, can't sleep. Was at bed at around 9:30. I shouldn't have spent time on my phone. I started to spiral unto getting my hands on some bitter almonds. I read that 50 of them could kill you. Then I started to have anxiety and felt really bad. I grabbed my guitar at some point. I also grabbed my notebook that has drawings at some point too. I can't recall which one I did first. Maybe I grabbed the notebook first. I wanted to draw how I looked like lying down, feeling like shit. I drew some guide circles and I felt like it really wasn't my style drawing that way. I started to draw an anime eye below it. I ended up drawing an anime profile. It made me feel better for a while. I lied down again, then the thoughts of wanting to die still persisted. I grabbed my guitar and played My Heart by Paramore softly. I was feeling reeeallly anxious and every time I was gonna cry I just whispered the lyrics, or made no sound at all. I don't think I finished the song and just sobbed quietly. I played River Flows in You instead since it did not involve any singing. I figured that playing it was really redundant because I always play it every time I grab my guitar. At some point I played Roundabout shortly. After that, I wanted to sing Summertime by My Chemical Romance. I had to stop a bunch of times because I was always tearing up and I didn't want anyone to hear a singing crying voice that's cringe-y. Lol. I know it's not really cringe-y but... *sigh*...
I still couldn't sleep and it was more than 15 minutes of trying already. It was between 11:30-12:00 that I got off from bed. I have a quiz in Organic Chemistry tomorrow. My brain isn't absorbing any information. I can't feed it. I put my clothes in the washer around 30 minutes ago. Not all of them. I'm doing them by batch. Segregating the color and all.
In the afternoon, I finished watching Invincible with Seiya and Yuta. We didn't expect that it was actually the last episode. That's why they woke up early. We proceeded to watch one episode of this anime about kids playing arcade games. After that, I suggested we watch Mieruko-chan.
I think my thoughts are running out now.
No they're not. lol
I want to deactivate my Facebook account, man. But I can't because of school. Oh wait, I actually can and just leave my messenger account. Yeah. Doing it right now. Oh god, I remember how I hate anxiety.
Also, fuck. Help. Trying to ground myself. Things are starting to feel unreal. I think it's dissociation. Grounding myself now. Fuck. It happened earlier, too.
Ahhhhh I'm good now. I just searched the term dissociate in the bipolar support server.
When will this menstruation come and go and end my suffering already.
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