I want to take a long ride on the bicycle right now. Been wanting to for a few months already. This pandemic is chill at first. It's subjective now, I guess. The urge to die doesn't go away. I forget about it at times. I don't like it when my brain reminds me. I don't like it when my mind wanders off to me thinking that it never gets better. A technique I've learned to negate bad thoughts is that when you start to notice that you're having it, you should redirect your thoughts to the things you like about yourself, or reflect on the things that happened during the day that you're happy about. It works, yeah. It doesn't work, too, though. The negative thoughts prevail, too.
It's been written that it's your mindset that's killing you. It's really hard to change it. They say that if you say something in a bad way, you should rephrase it to another way that changes the perspective of what you said. It feels like lying to yourself when it's like that, but it really isn't. It's the former that's lying to you, the bad ones, your brain lying to you thinking you're not enough. Then again when you rephrase it to a more positive note it doesn't feel right, like you're not being realistic. I don't know which one of them is real anymore.
I fucking hate myself. I don't know why this thought keeps coming in. I don't know how to rephrase it. I should redirect it right now: I love how intelligent I am that people want to be as intelligent as I am. (This doesn't feel good at all. It feels like I'm being conceited and now I feel worse.) I am beautiful and people tell me that from time to time. My skin is glowing and I am happy for that. (Fuck, okay I should not let the side thoughts get to me, but shit.) It's amazing how I can play a lot of instruments, and how much of a fast learner I am.
________________________
I'm chatting with someone on Discord. It broke this chain of thoughts now. I guess it helps me distract myself.
______________________
The conversation makes me want to smoke.
I guess I'll end this post for now.
No comments:
Post a Comment