Just Writing Down That One Panic Attack From Five Years Ago That Keeps Flashing Back So I Could Get It Over With

I felt like floating away...

Everything... seems unreal... I look down, and the ground is there, I feel it below my legs, but I don't feel anchored at all.

My state of mind is off. This isn't right. People are in front of me. My eyes are looking at something else. They are looking at my thoughts, inside my mind. That is the problem. My physical surroundings are so far from me, even if they're right in front of me.

I look to my classmates beside me. They sense something's wrong. They ask what it is. I don't know what it is (I didn't know it was a panic attack). I suddenly cry. They ask why I am crying. I then laugh nervously because I do not want them to think I am sad. I am not sad, but I feel like crying.

The gymnasium is so big... I feel like I can't breathe. I can breathe fine, though. I have to get out. I need to get out.

My classmates look worried. No, I don't want them to worry. I'm fine. Nothing's wrong. What is happening with me? What is this? Everything is so numb. Am I alive? What the fuck?

My classmates grab my arms and guide me to our teacher and ask her if they can take me to the nurse. Teacher says yes. While all this is happening, I keep digging my nails on my arms to keep me conscious. It feels like I'm going to black out. I have not experienced blacking out ever in my life.

Keep calm, damn it! We're out of the gym now. I'm at the nurse's. My classmates leave. The nurse asks me what's wrong. I cry, then laugh it off because there's nothing really to cry about. She asks if I would like to talk to a guidance counselor. I say sure. I keep digging my nails on my arms. The "student shrink" arrives. She asks what's wrong. I say I think I'm losing touch with reality...

I calm down after a while. I go back to the gymnasium. Everyone is on the bleachers. I go to where my class is. Friends ask me what happened. I laugh them off. One of them saw my arms and asks what happened to them and why they're red. I look at my arms, nail marks. I have not noticed this previously. They have not hurt while I was digging my nails earlier. Have I dug them to deep that they would leave marks? I ignored her question and I feel a dread welling up. They think I'm trying to kill myself. I'm not. This is what I told the guidance counselor earlier, that I am not suicidal.

Fuck, I am starting to panic again. Thank God that it's already time to go home.

I go home and sleep everything off,
for now.