Last week, I went to my psychiatrist. Told her about my doc visits. Told her about my problems during sleeping, where I jerk when I'm about to, and I would be afraid to actually fall asleep, thinking I would die? I just know I would get afraid. She prescribed me clonazepam. And all the complaints from the previous doc visits went away. Didn't know all of those symptoms were panic disorder induced. The rheumatologist mentioned that those stuff maybe were just mental stuff. Ugh, I can't reedit this paragraph into a chronologic order anymore because I'm too lazy.
Been playing a lot of Dota 12v12. Been losing more than winning. It's too stressful of a game. Why do I keep playing it?
Yesterday, my bro wanted to accompany him to the mall because he wanted to buy shorts. There were a lot of people. We went grocery shopping for samgyupsal for noche buena. The queues were long. I was jokingly asking him to give me Sea of Stars on Steam and he blackmailed me to come with him to the mall. lol
Right now, I'm quite tired. Went to church, walked all the way home, helped my sister carry the dried fish she got from her Boracay trip. I prepped the stuff for the samgyup. Then, bro and sis lied down. Dad went to church. So I guess we're waiting for him to come home. He's probably disappointed again that we're not going to church too.
My mood hasn't been on the upper spectrum for the past weeks. I was having pms symptoms, and then it was 12 days late. It's over now. I'm supposed to feel better after having my period. But no, I guess.
Yesterday, from the grocery shopping, we were also buying ingredients for lasagna. All the time, I was thinking of "Jolly Lasagna", a play from Jolly Spaghetti from Jollibee and BB's name. So last night, I dreamt of him. Talking something about yuta. Something positive about what he is to me. He cried a bit and I think he was saying he couldn't forget about me while he's still with his gf now. And I was like, get rid of those sticky notes I gave you. I don't remember other stuff about the dream anymore.
I want to play dota now. I don't want to play dota. You get me? It's too stressful. I don't want to. But it's an itch. help. I guess I'm gonna search how to cope with gaming addiction. Or maybe just dota addiction.
I miss my fiancé. Only 29 days left till I fly to Germany. I have to chat the 3 little kids group chat about it soon so we could meet up one last time before I go. Maybe I should chat Beans too. I'm already out of money this month tho, because of the laboratory tests and doc visits. Maybe from Shopee too.
My sister borrowed my laptop so she could work while in Boracay. She let me borrow her PC. I played dota on her pc. She's home now, right, and I found out that she closed my 3 google translate tabs. I forgot to tell her not to. Lol. It's fine tho. I wasn't even reviewing them as I should.
I'm immersing in German music now. Currently playing and done playing is Nice wie du bist. Now it's Aus der Liebe zu Dir. Let's find out if I'm gonna skip it. Anyway, my mind keeps coming back to my depression. I want to just not think about stuff cuz I get depressed about it. Psychologically speaking, you should not ignore your emotions, but I already know what's causing it. Ugh. I think I'll just keep on redirecting my thoughts until I'm not depressed anymore. Maybe play a game. That's a good distraction. I gotta end the blogpost now. Merry Christmas.
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