Just Want to Talk to Myself, I Guess

I just sometimes need someone to chat with to fall asleep. My fiancé is busy a lot. And even if we did chat, I can't find anything to chat about. 

My day hasn't been productive. I woke up at 10 am. That was only because my brother texted there's an Oppenheimer show time at 11 am. Got up to shower but water wasn't running. We didn't go out in the end. We did yesterday, though, but the line at the tickets was too long and we wouldn't be able to make it to the show time. We are at Bigby's instead. I ate too much. Been eating too much for the past 6 days. Probably going to weigh heavier on Saturday. I want to eat less tomorrow so at least there wouldn't be too much weight added.

Back to my day today. I got invited to a few raids but could only afford one raid pass. I biked around. I wanted to practice biking uphill with the seat higher but there were boys at the top "teasing" me lmao I think that was the most productive thing today, apart from doing the Nicos Weg course. Chatted with my best friend at noon, too.

I was trying to work on doing a cover of Monster these past days. My streak on touching that ended today. Didn't get my guitar, didn't continue with the drawing. 

Voice chatted with my fiancé when he was on his way to work. He bought bread. The attendant noticed he was early. When he was at his building, he tried to help a woman, telling her the entrance was at the other side of the building. I understood what he said in German, too. The woman couldn't understand and could only speak Russian -Ukranian. They used Google translator. He concluded that maybe she was just looking at the building.

How am I feeling right now? I'm sometimes thinking of what I can do for a living. Doing that just makes me feel dread. I'm sometimes thinking of the present, how it's different from being in school. Being an adult is so different. Being the one mostly in charge of your life, being the one who makes the decisions. If you become a parent, you get to be responsible for your kid. Sometimes derealization kicks in. It's kicking in a little bit now. Trying to ground through writing all this. Fuck. Ok.

I should sleep. I think it was coffee that made me productive and motivated with the Monster cover a few days ago. I shouldn't drink it, but boy do I like being able to do stuff. Trying not to think of inducing hypomania right now. It's a really bad idea. If only you can only get the euphoria and productivity. Only the good stuff. And if only they don't go away. Why do we have to suffer? Lmao alright enough now.

I guess I'll end with a plan for tomorrow (my plans don't usually go through lmao) instead of grateful things today.

1. Eat less. No rice or sweets!

2. Work on the Monster cover.

3. Laundry (?)

4. Bake (?)

5. Nicos Weg 

Let's not plan too much now. There's only a few hours when you have a burst of motivation during the day. Good night.