Just Rumination

Please let me do it tonight. I don't want to hold on till Monday. I can't do this anymore. I didn't take my meds for a whole month in the hopes that I would have the guts to do it. This isn't a call for help. I'm just sick of it all. Please, just let me end it. Please. I can't do this. I can't take it. I'm running out of distractions. I can't find meaning in life. I have to do it. Please. I'm begging. I don't want to continue. I have had enough. I want to die. I want to kill myself. I want someone to murder me. I want to drown. I want to poison myself. How can I do it? I want it to be quick. Someone kill me please. I want to die so much. I'm not helping myself. I have no plans for the future. I can't find happiness. Happiness is temporary. Sadness, too. Everything is. Why can't this all end. Please don't be sad when I'm gone. It's no one's fault. I blame biology. I should sleep this off. This is not a good idea. Nothing is a good idea. I'm ruminating. Where are my positive thoughts? They're lost. Everything is gone. I want to be gone. I want to disappear. Why am I like this? What is causing me to think all this? I really don't want to be here anymore. I want to die. I keep entertaining these thoughts. I'm not finding a distraction like my therapist told me to. Fuck the therapist. I'm not going to my next session. I don't want to make it next week. I don't want to see anyone's faces. This post is getting so long. It's boring. It's just me ranting, repeating the same words over and over again. This blog is my therapy now. No one can help me.