I hate remembering certain events from the past that induce unpleasant feelings. It does not seem so long ago that I...
Agh, too painful.
Also, this thought, it is also painful.
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Why did you let me do that again? That one time that we were chatting, you made me send you screenshots of our past conversations. You said "basta". It made me hurt. I still did it. I am still left hanging.
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Sometimes when my hormones are all fired up, sad songs make me cry. Right now, it isn't. So I am good. I do not feel like crying.
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Wondering what I would do with my life now that I do not have to go to school anymore. I still want to play in a band. A foreign band. Not here in the Philippines. The music industry here sucks. The media sucks. All kinds of reception here suck. I need a sign. I need God to guide me in my dream. Inspiration. It doesn't help if I just keep lying here being fat.
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Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend somewhere along in the bitterness.
I could have stayed up with you all night had I known how to save a life.
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It's tiring to be depressed, you know? Not knowing why makes it seem worse. I am not that depressed, though. Let me end this train of thought here before I get all trippy.
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Existence is pain. Lol. Mr. Meseeks. Rick and Morty. Lol.
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This segment is me just talking to myself. Lol. Like I am not doing that already. Lol.
Hey, remember the times when you took medication? Lol. Remember the side effects? Lol. You were salivating that one time. Also, your ears kept ringing. Lol. Haha. Do you also remember when your jaw hardened? That was awful, right? You want it back, don't you? No. Stop it. Stop saying that. Lol. Remember that one time when you were watching Breaking Bad with your siblings, then suddenly, you started to get all—, STOP IT. YOU CAN'T EVEN DESCRIBE THAT FEELING. STOP! YOU'RE TRIGGERING YOURSELF! —panicky that you had to leave the room touching your cranium saying "Mah Braaaain" like some fuck. Hahaha. :( why are you doing this... Remember that one time when your dad was at home, you think he didn't go to work because of you. He was...
This is too much already. Stop trying to remember, dammit. You will make your future self sad again when she reads this.
Fine. I'll stop.
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I wish you would call, even though that seems unlikely. Why am I like this? This isn!t me. I'm cool and collected. I do not. I am apathetic, indifferent. I don't care. I have always been like that.
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Fucking flashbacks, man. Why do I get them? I'm trying to distract myself by typing stuff here. I also try playing games. Somehow, in the end, they don't work anymore when I stop doing them. I tried drawing, I couldn't. I tried reading, I also couldn't. Lol. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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This is already a long train
of thought. Lol.
Whatever, I've got a lot of time. I've got all the time in the world. I don't have school anymore. I spend most of my time thinking, daydreaming, sleeping, playing, eating. Lol. That is something to be happy about.
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It's great having a Smartphone. You can do a lot of things with it. I love my phone now. Back then, I would miss my old lost phone when I had a new phone. Now, I don't anymore. I love my current phone. I hope it won't die on me or leave me. I think maybe typing this here could jynx it but hey, its anniversary is coming up. Haha. Happy 1 year, phone! Lol. I'll end this here. I'm happy now :)
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